How to Deal Handling Counterproductive Thinking about Socializing?

Handling Counterproductive Thinking about Socializing

Shyness, social anxiety, insecurities, and discouragement about your chances of improving are all sustained in part by thoughts and beliefs that are counterproductive—that is, thoughts that lead you away from good outcomes. They create unpleasant feelings like nervousness and self-doubt, and cause you to behave in ways that go against your goals, such as avoiding get-togethers or giving up on trying to be friends with people. 
Handling Counterproductive Thinking about Socializing Shyness, social anxiety, insecurities, and discouragement about your chances of improving are all sustained in part by thoughts and beliefs that are counterproductive—that is, thoughts that lead you away from good outcomes. They create unpleasant feelings like nervousness and self-doubt, and cause you to behave in ways that go against your goals, such as avoiding get-togethers or giving up on trying to be friends with people. They can pop up in the present moment or when you’re looking back on the past or toward the future. If you can rein in your negative thoughts about socializing, you’ll be more content and confident and have an easier time going after what you want. This chapter explains the two broad ways your thinking can stifle you. Then it covers two approaches for dealing with your counterproductive thoughts. First, it gives you a framework for identifying and disputing these types of thoughts and replacing them with more-balanced alternatives. It then explains an equally effective alternative approach—using mindfulness principles to acknowledge and accept your counterproductive thoughts without getting sucked into them. Counterproductive thinking pattern 1: Cognitive distortions When thinking about social interactions, you may have thoughts that psychologists call cognitive distortions. These thought patterns become misleading and irrational in ways that sustain your problems. It’s possible to have cognitive distortions about all kinds of things, like your ability to grow tomatoes, but the examples below naturally focus on social situations. Emotional reasoning Emotional reasoning is when you think that because your emotions are telling you something is a certain way, it truly is that way. For example, thinking that because you feel anxious, something must be happening that is worth feeling anxious about, when in fact maybe you’re just on edge because you drank too much coffee. In social situations, it often creates the reasoning of “I’m nervous about doing X, therefore X must be scary, difficult, and complicated.” Jumping to conclusions When you jump to conclusions, you quickly assume something negative, even though your belief has little or no basis in reality. There are two variations: mind reading and fortune-telling. Mind reading is when you believe someone thinks a certain way without any solid evidence to support it (for example, “I just know everyone on my dodgeball team hates me” or “When she said ‘hi’ she was doing it sarcastically to subtly mock me”). Fortune-telling is when you assume an event will turn out a certain way (for example, when you “know” you’re not going to have fun at the bar later that night because some jerk is going to bother you). All-or-nothing thinking / Black-and-white thinking When you see things in simplistic, absolute terms, you’re using all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking. This may involve extreme comparisons like perfect vs. useless or words like “never” or “always.” It often comes up when you’re thinking about your social goals or evaluating how you’re currently doing. For example, “I don’t think I’ll be able to become incredibly charismatic, so there’s no point in trying to work on my social skills at all,” or “Not every person in my class loves me, so that means I’m a complete reject.” Overgeneralization Overgeneralization involves taking a few isolated incidents and making sweeping generalizations about yourself, other people, or your life. For example, “My one coworker didn’t invite me out. No one at my job wants to be friends,” or “I didn’t find those two people that interesting to talk to. I have nothing in common with anybody.” Filtering You’re filtering when you apply a dark-tinted mental lens to your perceptions so you dwell on the bad aspects of something, while ignoring the good. This can involve “seeing what you want to see.” Because life offers up a variety of experiences, no matter what conclusion you want to reach, you can usually cherry-pick enough “evidence” to support it. For example, you may be feeling discouraged about getting over your shyness and remember the times you felt self-conscious and inhibited, but “forget” all the instances where you weren’t. Or you may believe that other men / women are macho jerks / catty gossips. You overlook all the people who don’t fit that stereotype but can’t let it go if you spot someone acting like an obnoxious bro / backstabbing Queen Bee. Magnification and minimization When you overstate how something really is, once again with iffy evidence to back up your thinking, you magnify the situation; similarly, if you understate a situation with insufficient evidence, you minimize it. For example, you could magnify the supposed importance of the first week of college by believing that if you don’t make friends during that time, your social life for the next four years will be ruined. You could minimize the usefulness of a personal talent by telling yourself, “Sure, I’m good at singing, but there’s no way that could help me meet people. How much could joining a choir or band really do?” Catastrophizing When your mind leaps to the worst possible outcome, you’re catastrophizing. It can also mean to see a situation as totally hopeless or unbearable, when it’s really just uncomfortable. This cognitive distortion unsurprisingly tends to increase anxiety. Some examples: “I have no plans this weekend. I can’t take it. I just know I’m going to live a life of complete social isolation.” “If I seem shy at this lunch, everyone’s going to think I’m a weirdo and kick me out of the group.” “I’m feeling too nervous right now. I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I need to leave.” “Should” statements This cognitive distortion involves constraining yourself with unrealistic expectations about how things “should” be (for example, “People should invite their friends to hang out at least once a week, otherwise it’s a sign they hate them”; “I should always have brilliant things to say in conversations”; “I should never get anxious in social situations”). Labeling Labeling occurs when you slap simplistic labels on things in order to explain them, rather than looking at the unique facets of the situation. You’d be labeling if you explained away a strained conversation by saying it was because you’re a geek and the other person was a jock, or if you told yourself, “I’m an electrical engineering student. It’s a given that I’m awkward around people.” Personalization Personalization involves thinking you directly caused something to happen, or that something relates to you, when other forces may have been at work. For example, you might think your friends want to leave your place early because you’re so boring, when they’re really just tired. Disqualifying the positive Disqualifying the positive is when you dismiss positive events for no real reason, probably while being all too eager to accept the negative ones (for example, “I had a really nice conversation with Amy at that party, but it doesn’t count. She’s friendly to everyone. I still suck at talking to people”). Attributional style Disqualifying the positive ties into a related psychological concept called attributional style, or explanatory style, which is the way people tend to explain events to themselves. People who are socially insecure tend to dismiss positive experiences as being one-off flukes, while seeing negative interactions as being caused by their enduring flaws. If they have a good conversation, they’ll write it off as the other person being in a cheerful mood or talking to them out of pity. If they have a stilted exchange, they’ll blame it on how boring or awkward they are. Most people are the opposite. They’re slightly benignly deluded in a way that helps them function better. If an interaction goes well, they give themselves the credit, but if it doesn’t, they look for outside explanations, like that the other person was distracted and in a hurry. Counterproductive thinking pattern 2: Unhelpful beliefs A lot of counterproductive beliefs arise from cognitive distortions. Odds are, as you read the preceding section, you recognized a few cognitive distortions you’ve had yourself. Your thinking can also interfere with your social success when you hold inaccurate beliefs that are related to socializing. A few of these beliefs are straight-up false. Most have a kernel of truth to them, but that element has been blown out of proportion. Unhelpful beliefs can be about several categories. You’ll notice some of them contain cognitive distortions like mind reading or fortune-telling as well: Beliefs about yourself “Being shy or socially inexperienced is a very negative trait.” “I’m flawed and unappealing at my core.” “People won’t like me because I’m too X.” Beliefs about the risks and stakes of socializing “My worth as a person depends on how well I perform socially.” “My social performance has to be 100 percent at all times, or I won’t be successful.” “Every interaction is a test of my social skills and likability.” “It would be terrible if people thought of me as shy or awkward.” “Every social mistake I make will have horrible immediate consequences.” “If I screw up, people will remember it, hold it against me for a long time, and tell everyone they know, and it will ruin my social life.” “Rejection is terrible and intolerable.” Beliefs that give you responsibility for things you can’t control “I must make everyone like me.” “I’m 100 percent responsible for how well an interaction goes.” “I’m 100 percent responsible for other people’s reactions to me.” Beliefs about other people “Everyone is really choosy about what they look for in others.” “Everyone else has their act together socially.” “Other people are constantly evaluating how I’m coming across socially.” “This certain type of person is mean and especially likely to reject me.” “Certain people have the authority to judge my value as a person. If they don’t like me, then I’m a loser.” “People often mock others by pretending to compliment or be friendly to them.” Beliefs about improving your social situation “Something about my area makes meeting my social goals too hard.” (For example, “The people in my city are too unfriendly” or “There’s nowhere good to meet anyone in my town.”) “Something about me makes it too hard to reach my social goals.” (for example, “I’m too old to make friends.” or “I have bad skin. No one will want to hang out with me.”) “It’s inappropriate or ineffective to do certain things to try to reach my social goals.” (For example, “I can’t just start conversations with people I don’t know. Who does that? Everyone will think I’m a creep.”) These unhelpful beliefs may only somewhat interfere with your social success. For example, a belief that other people are putting your social skills under a microscope may make you somewhat more nervous around others, but not enough that it prevents you from meeting new friends. Beliefs can limit you when you believe them too strongly and refuse to accept the possibility that you’re wrong. For example, you could believe that you’ll never make friends in your new city because the locals are too cold and aloof; when anyone tries to say differently, you get angry. These limiting beliefs can be stubborn because the filtering cognitive distortion can kick in and cause you to focus only on things that confirm your existing views. Now that you have an understanding of how your thinking can get in the way, let’s look at the first method for dealing with it. Identifying, questioning, and replacing your counterproductive thinking Because counterproductive thoughts are distorted or inaccurate, you can overcome many of them by logically picking them apart and replacing them with a more realistic alternative. Here are the steps to doing this: Step 1: Identify your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs You can informally do this step and the next one in your head, but they’re more effective if you make a proper written exercise out of them. It’s an ongoing process. Don’t expect to spot and debunk all of your negative thoughts in one twenty-minute brainstorming session. Areas of counterproductive thinking to delve into Think of what your counterproductive beliefs are. If you’re like most shy or less-confident people, you’re all too familiar with the messages that scroll through your brain all day and won’t have trouble getting a bunch of them down on paper. Follow your negative emotions (for example, anxiety, discouragement, resentment) and see where they lead you. For example, you might start thinking about some acquaintances, feel a bit sad, and then identify some worries about them not wanting to become closer friends with you. Pick a specific social situation you struggle with and then examine your thoughts around it (for example, speaking up in class). Look back on a social interaction you recently had. Say you tried chatting with some coworkers during your lunch break. How do you feel it went? What discouraging or self-critical thoughts are you having about it? Step 2: Critically examine your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs Do this step when you have some time to yourself and you’re in a fairly neutral, logical mood. It is possible to analyze your thoughts when you’re in the middle of a social situation or in the grip of a strong emotion, but it’s a lot more difficult to stay objective. To begin, you want to shift your perspective. When dissecting each thought, imagine it’s something a friend told you they were feeling about themselves or a statement your worst enemy made to you. You’ll often uncritically accept ideas from your own mind that you would question instantly if they came from an outside source. You could also try “externalizing” your issues. Instead of seeing your anxiety or insecurity as a core part of you, view it as an outside entity that has taken up residence in your mind and is trying to sabotage it (for example, picture it as a cartoony demon). Next, ask several questions of each thought and see how well it holds up: What is the overall tone of the thought? Sometimes you’ll have thoughts that are technically accurate and free of distortions, but you’re still being way too harsh and unsympathetic toward yourself. Is there a cognitive distortion, self-effacing attribution, or unhelpful belief in the thought? Do you have any evidence that the thought is accurate and true? Don’t just think about it for a second and come to a knee-jerk conclusion. Write out all the objective arguments for each side, like you were arguing a case in court. Say you believe no one likes you. What real-world encounters are you basing that on? Are you giving too much weight to one negative memory? What about counterexamples of people who enjoy having you around? If you feel you do have evidence that the thought is true, is it accurate, or is it the product of counterproductive thinking as well? If you think, “No one likes me,” and for evidence you recall that last week one acquaintance didn’t respond to your text right away, that’s overgeneralizing or jumping to conclusions. If you say, “I just know everyone hates me. I just feel it every time I reach out to someone,” that’s mind reading and emotional reasoning. If you have a simplistic black-and-white thought about yourself, like “I’m boring,” can you break it down more? You’re not either 100 percent dull or 100 percent interesting. What percent interesting would you say you are? What are the individual elements of being interesting? Being funny? Having unique experiences and stories to share? Having insightful opinions? If you made each of those a scale from 0 to 10, where would you come out on them? What if a belief or observation turns out to be true? If you’re really shy and insecure, you should lean toward assuming your thoughts on socializing are at least somewhat skewed. However, sometimes you’ll put a thought or belief through the questioning process, and it will be accurate. For example, you can make a solid argument that two of your acquaintances truly don’t want to be closer friends. When that’s the case, don’t overgeneralize beyond it (two people not wanting to be friends with you doesn’t mean you’re utterly flawed and hopeless). Even if the conclusion you came to stings, try to get any useful feedback you can from it, such as realizing you were coming on a bit too strong and scared them off. Finally, ask yourself what the consequences are of holding a particular thought or belief. Even if it’s technically true, it may not lead to the best outcomes. For example, you could make a case that humans are inherently selfish; however, socializing under this assumption may lead you to be too guarded, distrusting, and cynical. It’s more adaptive to act as if people generally have good intentions. Step 3: Come up with more realistic, balanced alternatives for your counterproductive thoughts The key words here are realistic and balanced. The idea is not to skip around being blindly “positive.” An unrealistic counterproductive thought might be, “Everyone at this party will hate me. I’ll never make any friends in this city!” An equally unrealistic overly positive thought may be, “I’m an amazing person! Everyone there will love me instantly!” A balanced thought is, “Some people will probably like me, and others won’t. The ones who aren’t into me probably won’t be mean, just kind of indifferent. I can handle that and will concentrate on the ones who seem friendly.” As mentioned, tone is just as important as content. Even if what you’re telling yourself is technically balanced and true, you shouldn’t need talk to yourself as if you’re an incompetent piece of crap. You can work to improve yourself while being compassionate and understanding of your struggles at the same time. There will be several examples after the final step is explained. Step 4: Continually question your counterproductive thoughts If you have interpersonal issues, you have probably been thinking about yourself and your social skills in a negative light for many years. That’s not a pattern you’re going to undo in a week. You need to continue discovering and challenging your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs. Written exercises will always be useful, but after you’ve gotten the hang of analyzing your thoughts, practice noticing and quickly analyzing them as they appear. For example, you may be at a pub and suddenly stop having fun and get the urge to go home early. Why? You may realize you had a thought like, “I don’t belong here. My friends don’t really want me around. They just invited me because they feel sorry for me.” If you can nip that mind-reading thinking in the bud, your night can go on. You don’t necessarily have to sit down for an hour every day to do a full-on written analysis of your thoughts, but you should continually be on the alert for the ways your own mind is trying to hinder you. With time, your thinking really can shift. You’ll never completely be free of counterproductive thoughts—no one is—but your outlook can become a lot more self-supportive and optimistic. You’ll also become more familiar with the directions your mind tends to go and can learn to cut off many of your counterproductive thoughts before they pick up steam. Common cognitively distorted thoughts with more realistic alternatives “I just know everyone at my job hates me.” (Mind reading) Alternative: Unless you have strong, clear-cut evidence, the odds this is the case are really low. You’re probably projecting your insecurities onto ambiguous things like one person not giving you a big enough nod when you passed in the hallway. Maybe one or two coworkers aren’t fans of yours, but most are probably pretty neutral about you. “If I go out to the bar with my friends, I know all kinds of annoying things will go wrong with the night.” (Fortune-telling) Alternative: Social events hardly ever turn out exactly as we predict or anticipate, good or bad. The more social experience you get, the more this point will be driven home. “I can’t see myself becoming extremely charismatic so I don’t see the point in working on my people skills.” (Black-and-white thinking) Alternative: Even tweaking your social skills a little can make a big difference in the quality of your life. You only need average people skills to enjoy most of what the social world has to offer. “Not everyone in my class likes me. That means I’m a complete reject.” (Black-and-white thinking) Alternative: Your worth as a person doesn’t hinge on having every last person like you. No one is universally liked. You can get by in life by having a smaller group of friends with most other people being indifferent to you. “My one coworker didn’t invite me to his barbeque. No one wants to be friends with me.” (Overgeneralization) Alternative: How one or a few people act doesn’t say anything about the rest of the world. There are plenty more chances to make friends. “The first week of college makes or breaks you socially. If you don’t make a ton of friends, your social life for the next four years is ruined.” (Magnification) Alternative: There are lots of chances to make friends at the start of college, but if you don’t, you’ll have countless other chances to meet people. “Yeah, I’m a really good singer. But I don’t see how that will help me make friends.” (Minimization) Alternative: As with most skills, singing isn’t universally useful for meeting people, but it still opens some doors, such as being able to join a band or choir, and those opportunities shouldn’t be discounted. All else being equal, singing (and similar skills) is a helpful talent to have in your pocket. “I have no plans for the weekend. I’m never going to have a social life!” (Catastrophizing) Alternative: As discouraging or boring as it may be, one slow weekend doesn’t mean your social life is doomed for all the decades to follow, especially if you’re actively working to make friends. “I feel too nervous. I can’t take it! I can’t take it! I have to leave!” (Catastrophizing) Alternative: Anxiety can be unpleasant, but its worst moments are short-lived spikes. For the most part, you can handle those episodes, even if it’s not the most comfortable experience. “People should invite their friends out at least once a week.” (“Should” statements) Alternative: There’s no one way people have to act around their friends. Everyone has his or her own social style. If someone invites you out less frequently, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad. “I should never get anxious.” (“Should” statements) Alternative: This is unrealistic. Anxiety is a core human emotion that everyone feels from time to time, even the most confident individuals. “I’m an electrical engineering student. It’s a given that I’m awkward with people.” (Labeling) Alternative: Electrical engineering is a field of study. It doesn’t automatically doom anyone who’s interested in it to have certain social limitations. Even if you are an engineering student and you feel you’re not good with people, you can work to change that. “Everyone left early because I’m so boring to be around.” (Personalization) Alternative: They could have needed to leave for any number of reasons that had nothing to do with you; for example, maybe they were tired or had to be up early the next morning. “Sure, I had a good conversation with Amy, but she’s nice to everyone, so it doesn’t count.” (Disqualifying the positive) Alternative: You need to give yourself credit for your successes, even if some of them come more easily than others. There’s still a lot you have to do on your end to make good conversation with someone, even if they are nicer than average. Common unhelpful beliefs with more realistic alternatives “Being shy and socially inexperienced is one of the worst things someone can be.” Alternative: Those issues are common. Plenty of people have good friends and satisfying social lives despite not being socially perfect. As far as flaws go, it’s hardly comparable to, say, being a con artist who swindles money from unwary pensioners. “I couldn’t withstand rejection, disapproval, or an awkward interaction.” Alternative: Rejection can hurt, but you can bounce back from it, even if it makes you feel bummed out for a few days. No one ever becomes totally immune to it, but it’s possible to develop more productive attitudes toward rejection and become more tolerant to it: When it happens, rejection often doesn’t hurt as much as you expect it to. Just because one person rejects you doesn’t mean no one else is interested in you. Rejection isn’t a sign that you’re universally flawed; it just means you weren’t a good match for that particular person or group. Rejection sometimes isn’t about you at all. Someone may reject you because they were in a bad mood that day. Making new friends is partially a numbers game, and some amount of rejection is inevitable. Rejection helps screen out people who are incompatible with you and frees you to put your energy elsewhere. Sometimes you’ll be rejected for mistakes you make, but at least you’ll get feedback on how you can do better next time. People often respect someone who has the guts to go for what they want, even if they’re rejected. These mentalities tend to grow as you have more success and build up the real world experiences that prove that even if some people turn you down, you can go on to have a good social life. Also, when you’re purposely trying to get used to rejection, you’ll often react to it differently than when you were unconsciously trying to avoid it. You’ll tend to treat it as a form of training, like a martial artist trying to toughen his hands, rather than something scary to avoid at all costs. “I must make everyone like me.” Alternative: It’s impossible to make everyone like you. There are too many conflicting types of people in the world for that to happen. You wouldn’t want everyone to like you either. If you’re progressively minded, would you want to be friends with a bigot? Furthermore, the more alternative your lifestyle and values are, the fewer people who will be receptive to you. Even if you’re a pleasant, charming person, some closed-minded types won’t give you a chance based on a surface impression. There’s more to life than getting approval from the maximum percentage of the population. “It would be terrible if people thought of me as shy, socially awkward, or nervous.” Alternative: Most people are pretty forgiving of shyness and anxiety in others. They’ve felt nervous in situations themselves and are understanding. Sometimes shyness or social fumbling is seen as endearing and disarming. A few jerks may give you a hard time for it, but they’re relatively rare, especially after high school. “Every social mistake will have horrible consequences.” Alternative: People make little social errors all the time. Most of them are quickly forgotten and have no lasting effects. Again, aside from the occasional jerk, most people are willing to cut you some slack if you make some gaffes but are otherwise a good person. “If I do something wrong, people will care about it and think badly of me for a long time.” Alternative: Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to give much thought to whether you said the wrong thing or seemed nervous at the start of the conversation. Even if the odd person does think badly of you, you can handle it. “Every interaction is a test of my social skills and likability.” Alternative: You’re not a failure for all time just because you have one shaky social interaction. Everyone has them. There’s no social scoreboard in the sky. “I’m 100 percent responsible for how well an interaction goes.” Alternative: The other people in an interaction have to pull their weight as well. If a conversation goes badly, it could be just as much a reflection of their social abilities as yours. It’s a misconception that if someone’s people skills are good enough, they can make every interaction go smoothly. “I’m 100 percent responsible for other people’s reactions.” Alternative: People’s reactions are often as much about them as about you. If someone reacts badly to you, it may because they’re stressed for any number of possible reasons. “My social performance has to be at 100 percent at all times.” Alternative: Many people do just fine in social situations even if they’re not completely “on.” It’s possible to socialize effectively if you’re feeling a bit distracted, grumpy, or insecure. “Everyone has super high standards for what they expect in others. I have to come across as really impressive.” Alternative: Some people are choosy, but what most people look for in a friend is someone who they get along with, who they have some things in common with, and who they feel comfortable around. They’re not looking for someone who’s perfect in every way. “Everyone else totally has their act together socially.” Alternative: Everyone has weak areas and insecurities. Everyone has nervous moments. Most people are socially average. Only a handful are highly charming and confident, and even they feel unsure of themselves at times. “He just said he liked my shirt. He’s making fun of me.” Alternative: The vast majority of the time, if a person says something positive to you, they mean it at face value. They’re not subtly disrespecting you or setting up a trap. The best way to handle a compliment is with a simple, cheerful “Thanks.” “The people in this city have a reputation for being unfriendly to non-locals, and I’m overweight and have a stutter. It’s impossible for me to make friends here.” Alternative: All else being equal, it will be harder for you to make friends, but that’s not even close to meaning it’s impossible. Most people have a few traits or circumstances that get in the way of their social lives, but they manage. “It’s inappropriate to chat with strangers. Who does that? Everyone will think I’m a creep.” Alternative: Although not everyone talks to strangers, it’s not unusual to do so, and it often goes well. Sometimes you won’t get a warm reaction, even when you approach someone in a polite way, but it doesn’t mean the act itself is wrong. Using mindfulness-based techniques to deal with unhelpful thoughts and emotions The preceding part of the chapter explained how to reframe unhelpful thoughts by logically debunking them. The ideas in this part offer another approach: to deal with unwanted thoughts and emotions by acknowledging their presence, but not getting sucked in by them. The concepts may seem to contradict the suggestions above, but in practice the two approaches are complementary. Some of your unpleasant thoughts and feelings will respond better to a logical reasoning approach, while others are better managed by being mindful, which is covered in the following pages. Being mindful of unwanted thoughts and feelings Mindfulness involves focusing your attention on the present moment and experiencing your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without judgment. Rather than seeing anxiety, nervousness, or shyness as horrible things you must fight off at all costs, you can accept that they will sometimes appear, but you don’t have to get swallowed up by them. Instead, you can learn to experience them in a more detached way. Our minds are thought generators. Some of our thoughts are useful and valid, but others are mental noise. The anxious and unconfident parts of the mind in particular tend to send out a steady stream of worried or insecure chatter. These thoughts aren’t bad or evil. They’re just a by-product of how our brains work. You can learn to simply observe these thoughts and choose not to take them at face value or act on them. You don’t need to debate or break them down. That would give them too much credit and power. Instead, you can briefly note them in a distant, nonjudgmental way and then let them pass. Try this: Think to yourself, “There’s a hungry dragon nearby.” When you did this, you probably thought, “‘There’s a hungry dragon nearby’.… Uh… Okay?” You had the thought, but you didn’t automatically go, “Oh no! A dragon! I’ve got to hide!” However, when you have thoughts like, “No one likes me” or “I won’t be able to handle meeting my roommate’s friends tomorrow,” you’re much more likely to treat them as true and get pulled into worrying mode or see them as a type of thinking that must be battled and purged. You’ll never stop having undesirable thoughts, but with practice you can get better at not reacting to them. The same approach can be applied to emotions. If a negative feeling such as nervousness or sadness comes on, the idea is not to fight it and inadvertently fan the flames. Your moods come and go, and if you let them run their course instead of overreacting, you’ll usually feel different before long. For example, if you start to feel anxious, “be” with your anxiety, observe it with a detached curiosity, and let it do its thing; it will pass soon enough. It may not feel pleasant, but it can’t truly hurt you. On the other hand, if you get freaked out by your nervous symptoms, you’ll make them worse. A common analogy is that it’s like being out in the ocean as a big wave approaches you. If you stay calm and tread water, it will pass under you. If you struggle and try to swim away from the wave, you’ll stay with it until it slams into shore. Practicing mindful meditation You can cultivate your ability to experience your thoughts and feelings without overreacting to them by practicing mindful meditation. Unlike some other types of meditation, the idea isn’t to achieve a state of relaxation, stop all thinking entirely, or come to some Zen insight about the universe that sweeps all of your problems away. The goal is to sit quietly and feel any number of feelings or think any number of thoughts, but not judge, label, or overreact to any of it. As with any skill, you can get better at it through consistent practice. Here’s a quick overview of how to mindfully meditate. Some books in the Further Reading section go into more detail if it’s something that piques your interest. Caution: If you have a type of anxiety that tends to get triggered by focusing on your physical symptoms, this exercise may not be for you, at least without a counselor who’s familiar with the practice to guide you through it at first. Set aside roughly fifteen minutes. The exact length of time it isn’t critical. Sit or lie in a comfortable position. Feel free to use a chair or couch. Choose whether to open or close your eyes. Go with whichever you find easiest. Focus on your breathing. You don’t need to breathe in any special way; just pay attention to it. Sit or lie quietly. All kinds of thoughts will pass through your mind, from reminding yourself of errands you need to run to feeling insecure about yourself to thinking, “I’m bored. This isn’t working.” It doesn’t matter what the thoughts are. Try to acknowledge them in a detached way and then set them aside and return your focus to your breathing. Allow yourself to feel a variety of sensations, like noticing your face is itchy, wanting to move your leg, or feeling pangs of nervousness. Whatever the sensation is, don’t try to make it go away. Just sit with it and observe it with a gentle curiosity. Watch how it changes on its own and likely dissipates. If your mind wanders for minutes at a time, that’s fine. The purpose of this type of meditation is to realize that your thinking can go in any number of directions, that it’s all okay, and that you don’t need to react to all of it. When you’re done meditating, sit or lie still for another minute or two, then simply get up and resume your day. Try to mindfully meditate each day. If you’d like, gradually try to increase the length of your sessions, up to about an hour. However, don’t feel you must. Short meditations are still beneficial. As you become more proficient at being mindful while meditating, you’ll find the skill will carry over into your day-to-day life. You’ll have an easier time letting your thoughts and negative emotions happen and pass away without overreacting to them.


They can pop up in the present moment or when you’re looking back on the past or toward the future. If you can rein in your negative thoughts about socializing, you’ll be more content and confident and have an easier time going after what you want. This chapter explains the two broad ways your thinking can stifle you. 

Then it covers two approaches for dealing with your counterproductive thoughts. First, it gives you a framework for identifying and disputing these types of thoughts and replacing them with more-balanced alternatives. It then explains an equally effective alternative approach—using mindfulness principles to acknowledge and accept your counterproductive thoughts without getting sucked into them.

Counterproductive thinking pattern 1: Cognitive distortions 

When thinking about social interactions, you may have thoughts that psychologists call cognitive distortions. These thought patterns become misleading and irrational in ways that sustain your problems. It’s possible to have cognitive distortions about all kinds of things, like your ability to grow tomatoes, but the examples below naturally focus on social situations.

Emotional reasoning 

Emotional reasoning is when you think that because your emotions are telling you something is a certain way, it truly is that way. For example, thinking that because you feel anxious, something must be happening that is worth feeling anxious about, when in fact maybe you’re just on edge because you drank too much coffee. In social situations, it often creates the reasoning of “I’m nervous about doing X, therefore X must be scary, difficult, and complicated.” 

Jumping to conclusions 

When you jump to conclusions, you quickly assume something negative, even though your belief has little or no basis in reality. There are two variations: mind reading and fortune-telling. 
  • Mind reading is when you believe someone thinks a certain way without any solid evidence to support it (for example, “I just know everyone on my dodgeball team hates me” or “When she said ‘hi’ she was doing it sarcastically to subtly mock me”). 
  • Fortune-telling is when you assume an event will turn out a certain way (for example, when you “know” you’re not going to have fun at the bar later that night because some jerk is going to bother you).

All-or-nothing thinking / Black-and-white thinking 

When you see things in simplistic, absolute terms, you’re using all-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking. This may involve extreme comparisons like perfect vs. useless or words like “never” or “always.” It often comes up when you’re thinking about your social goals or evaluating how you’re currently doing. For example, “I don’t think I’ll be able to become incredibly charismatic, so there’s no point in trying to work on my social skills at all,” or “Not every person in my class loves me, so that means I’m a complete reject.”

Overgeneralization 

Overgeneralization involves taking a few isolated incidents and making sweeping generalizations about yourself, other people, or your life. For example, “My one coworker didn’t invite me out. No one at my job wants to be friends,” or “I didn’t find those two people that interesting to talk to. I have nothing in common with anybody.”

Filtering 

You’re filtering when you apply a dark-tinted mental lens to your perceptions so you dwell on the bad aspects of something, while ignoring the good. This can involve “seeing what you want to see.” Because life offers up a variety of experiences, no matter what conclusion you want to reach, you can usually cherry-pick enough “evidence” to support it. For example, you may be feeling discouraged about getting over your shyness and remember the times you felt self-conscious and inhibited, but “forget” all the instances where you weren’t. Or you may believe that other men / women are macho jerks / catty gossips. You overlook all the people who don’t fit that stereotype but can’t let it go if you spot someone acting like an obnoxious bro / backstabbing Queen Bee.

Magnification and minimization 

When you overstate how something really is, once again with iffy evidence to back up your thinking, you magnify the situation; similarly, if you understate a situation with insufficient evidence, you minimize it. For example, you could magnify the supposed importance of the first week of college by believing that if you don’t make friends during that time, your social life for the next four years will be ruined. You could minimize the usefulness of a personal talent by telling yourself, “Sure, I’m good at singing, but there’s no way that could help me meet people. How much could joining a choir or band really do?”

Catastrophizing

When your mind leaps to the worst possible outcome, you’re catastrophizing. It can also mean to see a situation as totally hopeless or unbearable, when it’s really just uncomfortable. This cognitive distortion unsurprisingly tends to increase anxiety. Some examples: 
  • “I have no plans this weekend. I can’t take it. I just know I’m going to live a life of complete social isolation.” 
  • “If I seem shy at this lunch, everyone’s going to think I’m a weirdo and kick me out of the group.” 
  • “I’m feeling too nervous right now. I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I need to leave.”

“Should” statements 

This cognitive distortion involves constraining yourself with unrealistic expectations about how things “should” be (for example, “People should invite their friends to hang out at least once a week, otherwise it’s a sign they hate them”; “I should always have brilliant things to say in conversations”; “I should never get anxious in social situations”).

Labeling 

Labeling occurs when you slap simplistic labels on things in order to explain them, rather than looking at the unique facets of the situation. You’d be labeling if you explained away a strained conversation by saying it was because you’re a geek and the other person was a jock, or if you told yourself, “I’m an electrical engineering student. It’s a given that I’m awkward around people.”

Personalization 

Personalization involves thinking you directly caused something to happen, or that something relates to you, when other forces may have been at work. For example, you might think your friends want to leave your place early because you’re so boring, when they’re really just tired.

Disqualifying the positive 

Disqualifying the positive is when you dismiss positive events for no real reason, probably while being all too eager to accept the negative ones (for example, “I had a really nice conversation with Amy at that party, but it doesn’t count. She’s friendly to everyone. I still suck at talking to people”).

Attributional style 

Disqualifying the positive ties into a related psychological concept called attributional style, or explanatory style, which is the way people tend to explain events to themselves. People who are socially insecure tend to dismiss positive experiences as being one-off flukes, while seeing negative interactions as being caused by their enduring flaws. If they have a good conversation, they’ll write it off as the other person being in a cheerful mood or talking to them out of pity. If they have a stilted exchange, they’ll blame it on how boring or awkward they are. Most people are the opposite. They’re slightly benignly deluded in a way that helps them function better. If an interaction goes well, they give themselves the credit, but if it doesn’t, they look for outside explanations, like that the other person was distracted and in a hurry.

Counterproductive thinking pattern 2: Unhelpful beliefs 

A lot of counterproductive beliefs arise from cognitive distortions. Odds are, as you read the preceding section, you recognized a few cognitive distortions you’ve had yourself. Your thinking can also interfere with your social success when you hold inaccurate beliefs that are related to socializing. A few of these beliefs are straight-up false. Most have a kernel of truth to them, but that element has been blown out of proportion. Unhelpful beliefs can be about several categories. You’ll notice some of them contain cognitive distortions like mind reading or fortune-telling as well:

Beliefs about yourself 

  • “Being shy or socially inexperienced is a very negative trait.” 
  • “I’m flawed and unappealing at my core.” 
  • “People won’t like me because I’m too X.” 

Beliefs about the risks and stakes of socializing 

  • “My worth as a person depends on how well I perform socially.” 
  • “My social performance has to be 100 percent at all times, or I won’t be successful.” 
  • “Every interaction is a test of my social skills and likability.” 
  • “It would be terrible if people thought of me as shy or awkward.” 
  • “Every social mistake I make will have horrible immediate consequences.” 
  • “If I screw up, people will remember it, hold it against me for a long time, and tell everyone they know, and it will ruin my social life.” 
  • “Rejection is terrible and intolerable.” 

Beliefs that give you responsibility for things you can’t control 

  • “I must make everyone like me.” 
  • “I’m 100 percent responsible for how well an interaction goes.” 
  • “I’m 100 percent responsible for other people’s reactions to me.” 

Beliefs about other people 

  • “Everyone is really choosy about what they look for in others.” 
  • “Everyone else has their act together socially.” 
  • “Other people are constantly evaluating how I’m coming across socially.” 
  • “This certain type of person is mean and especially likely to reject me.” 
  • “Certain people have the authority to judge my value as a person. If they don’t like me, then I’m a loser.” 
  • “People often mock others by pretending to compliment or be friendly to them.” 

Beliefs about improving your social situation 

  • “Something about my area makes meeting my social goals too hard.” (For example, “The people in my city are too unfriendly” or “There’s nowhere good to meet anyone in my town.”) 
  • “Something about me makes it too hard to reach my social goals.” (for example, “I’m too old to make friends.” or “I have bad skin. No one will want to hang out with me.”) 
  • “It’s inappropriate or ineffective to do certain things to try to reach my social goals.” (For example, “I can’t just start conversations with people I don’t know. Who does that? Everyone will think I’m a creep.”)
These unhelpful beliefs may only somewhat interfere with your social success. For example, a belief that other people are putting your social skills under a microscope may make you somewhat more nervous around others, but not enough that it prevents you from meeting new friends. 

Beliefs can limit you when you believe them too strongly and refuse to accept the possibility that you’re wrong. For example, you could believe that you’ll never make friends in your new city because the locals are too cold and aloof; when anyone tries to say differently, you get angry. 

These limiting beliefs can be stubborn because the filtering cognitive distortion can kick in and cause you to focus only on things that confirm your existing views. Now that you have an understanding of how your thinking can get in the way, let’s look at the first method for dealing with it.

Identifying, questioning, and replacing your counterproductive thinking

Because counterproductive thoughts are distorted or inaccurate, you can overcome many of them by logically picking them apart and replacing them with a more realistic alternative. Here are the steps to doing this:

Step 1: Identify your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs 

You can informally do this step and the next one in your head, but they’re more effective if you make a proper written exercise out of them. It’s an ongoing process. Don’t expect to spot and debunk all of your negative thoughts in one twenty-minute brainstorming session. 

Areas of counterproductive thinking to delve into 

  1. Think of what your counterproductive beliefs are. If you’re like most shy or less-confident people, you’re all too familiar with the messages that scroll through your brain all day and won’t have trouble getting a bunch of them down on paper.
  2. Follow your negative emotions (for example, anxiety, discouragement, resentment) and see where they lead you. For example, you might start thinking about some acquaintances, feel a bit sad, and then identify some worries about them not wanting to become closer friends with you.
  3. Pick a specific social situation you struggle with and then examine your thoughts around it (for example, speaking up in class).
  4. Look back on a social interaction you recently had. Say you tried chatting with some coworkers during your lunch break. How do you feel it went? What discouraging or self-critical thoughts are you having about it? 

Step 2: Critically examine your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs

Do this step when you have some time to yourself and you’re in a fairly neutral, logical mood. It is possible to analyze your thoughts when you’re in the middle of a social situation or in the grip of a strong emotion, but it’s a lot more difficult to stay objective. To begin, you want to shift your perspective. When dissecting each thought, imagine it’s something a friend told you they were feeling about themselves or a statement your worst enemy made to you. 

You’ll often uncritically accept ideas from your own mind that you would question instantly if they came from an outside source. You could also try “externalizing” your issues. 

Instead of seeing your anxiety or insecurity as a core part of you, view it as an outside entity that has taken up residence in your mind and is trying to sabotage it (for example, picture it as a cartoony demon).

Next, ask several questions of each thought and see how well it holds up: 
  • What is the overall tone of the thought? Sometimes you’ll have thoughts that are technically accurate and free of distortions, but you’re still being way too harsh and unsympathetic toward yourself. 
  • Is there a cognitive distortion, self-effacing attribution, or unhelpful belief in the thought? 
  • Do you have any evidence that the thought is accurate and true? Don’t just think about it for a second and come to a knee-jerk conclusion. Write out all the objective arguments for each side, like you were arguing a case in court. Say you believe no one likes you. What real-world encounters are you basing that on? Are you giving too much weight to one negative memory? What about counterexamples of people who enjoy having you around? 
  • If you feel you do have evidence that the thought is true, is it accurate, or is it the product of counterproductive thinking as well? If you think, “No one likes me,” and for evidence you recall that last week one acquaintance didn’t respond to your text right away, that’s overgeneralizing or jumping to conclusions. If you say, “I just know everyone hates me. I just feel it every time I reach out to someone,” that’s mind reading and emotional reasoning. 
  • If you have a simplistic black-and-white thought about yourself, like “I’m boring,” can you break it down more? You’re not either 100 percent dull or 100 percent interesting. What percent interesting would you say you are? What are the individual elements of being interesting? Being funny? Having unique experiences and stories to share? Having insightful opinions? If you made each of those a scale from 0 to 10, where would you come out on them?

What if a belief or observation turns out to be true? 

If you’re really shy and insecure, you should lean toward assuming your thoughts on socializing are at least somewhat skewed. However, sometimes you’ll put a thought or belief through the questioning process, and it will be accurate. 

For example, you can make a solid argument that two of your acquaintances truly don’t want to be closer friends. When that’s the case, don’t overgeneralize beyond it (two people not wanting to be friends with you doesn’t mean you’re utterly flawed and hopeless). 

Even if the conclusion you came to stings, try to get any useful feedback you can from it, such as realizing you were coming on a bit too strong and scared them off. Finally, ask yourself what the consequences are of holding a particular thought or belief. 

Even if it’s technically true, it may not lead to the best outcomes. For example, you could make a case that humans are inherently selfish; however, socializing under this assumption may lead you to be too guarded, distrusting, and cynical. It’s more adaptive to act as if people generally have good intentions.

Step 3: Come up with more realistic, balanced alternatives for your counterproductive thoughts

The key words here are realistic and balanced. The idea is not to skip around being blindly “positive.” An unrealistic counterproductive thought might be, “Everyone at this party will hate me. 

I’ll never make any friends in this city!” An equally unrealistic overly positive thought may be, “I’m an amazing person! Everyone there will love me instantly!” A balanced thought is, “Some people will probably like me, and others won’t. 

The ones who aren’t into me probably won’t be mean, just kind of indifferent. I can handle that and will concentrate on the ones who seem friendly.” As mentioned, tone is just as important as content. Even if what you’re telling yourself is technically balanced and true, you shouldn’t need talk to yourself as if you’re an incompetent piece of crap. 

You can work to improve yourself while being compassionate and understanding of your struggles at the same time. There will be several examples after the final step is explained.

Step 4: Continually question your counterproductive thoughts 

If you have interpersonal issues, you have probably been thinking about yourself and your social skills in a negative light for many years. That’s not a pattern you’re going to undo in a week. 

You need to continue discovering and challenging your counterproductive thoughts and beliefs. Written exercises will always be useful, but after you’ve gotten the hang of analyzing your thoughts, practice noticing and quickly analyzing them as they appear. 

For example, you may be at a pub and suddenly stop having fun and get the urge to go home early. Why? You may realize you had a thought like, “I don’t belong here. My friends don’t really want me around. 

They just invited me because they feel sorry for me.” If you can nip that mind-reading thinking in the bud, your night can go on. You don’t necessarily have to sit down for an hour every day to do a full-on written analysis of your thoughts, but you should continually be on the alert for the ways your own mind is trying to hinder you. 

With time, your thinking really can shift. You’ll never completely be free of counterproductive thoughts—no one is—but your outlook can become a lot more self-supportive and optimistic. You’ll also become more familiar with the directions your mind tends to go and can learn to cut off many of your counterproductive thoughts before they pick up steam.

Common cognitively distorted thoughts with more realistic alternatives 

“I just know everyone at my job hates me.” (Mind reading) 

Alternative: Unless you have strong, clear-cut evidence, the odds this is the case are really low. You’re probably projecting your insecurities onto ambiguous things like one person not giving you a big enough nod when you passed in the hallway. Maybe one or two coworkers aren’t fans of yours, but most are probably pretty neutral about you. 

“If I go out to the bar with my friends, I know all kinds of annoying things will go wrong with the night.” (Fortune-telling) 

Alternative: Social events hardly ever turn out exactly as we predict or anticipate, good or bad. The more social experience you get, the more this point will be driven home. 

“I can’t see myself becoming extremely charismatic so I don’t see the point in working on my people skills.” (Black-and-white thinking) 

Alternative: Even tweaking your social skills a little can make a big difference in the quality of your life. You only need average people skills to enjoy most of what the social world has to offer. 

“Not everyone in my class likes me. That means I’m a complete reject.” (Black-and-white thinking) 

Alternative: Your worth as a person doesn’t hinge on having every last person like you. No one is universally liked. You can get by in life by having a smaller group of friends with most other people being indifferent to you. 

“My one coworker didn’t invite me to his barbeque. No one wants to be friends with me.” (Overgeneralization) 

Alternative: How one or a few people act doesn’t say anything about the rest of the world. There are plenty more chances to make friends. 

“The first week of college makes or breaks you socially. If you don’t make a ton of friends, your social life for the next four years is ruined.” (Magnification) 

Alternative: There are lots of chances to make friends at the start of college, but if you don’t, you’ll have countless other chances to meet people. 

“Yeah, I’m a really good singer. But I don’t see how that will help me make friends.” (Minimization) 

Alternative: As with most skills, singing isn’t universally useful for meeting people, but it still opens some doors, such as being able to join a band or choir, and those opportunities shouldn’t be discounted. All else being equal, singing (and similar skills) is a helpful talent to have in your pocket. 

“I have no plans for the weekend. I’m never going to have a social life!” (Catastrophizing) 

Alternative: As discouraging or boring as it may be, one slow weekend doesn’t mean your social life is doomed for all the decades to follow, especially if you’re actively working to make friends. 

“I feel too nervous. I can’t take it! I can’t take it! I have to leave!” (Catastrophizing) 

Alternative: Anxiety can be unpleasant, but its worst moments are short-lived spikes. For the most part, you can handle those episodes, even if it’s not the most comfortable experience. 

“People should invite their friends out at least once a week.” (“Should” statements) 

Alternative: There’s no one way people have to act around their friends. Everyone has his or her own social style. If someone invites you out less frequently, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad. 

“I should never get anxious.” (“Should” statements) 

Alternative: This is unrealistic. Anxiety is a core human emotion that everyone feels from time to time, even the most confident individuals. 

“I’m an electrical engineering student. It’s a given that I’m awkward with people.” (Labeling) 

Alternative: Electrical engineering is a field of study. It doesn’t automatically doom anyone who’s interested in it to have certain social limitations. Even if you are an engineering student and you feel you’re not good with people, you can work to change that. 

“Everyone left early because I’m so boring to be around.” (Personalization) 

Alternative: They could have needed to leave for any number of reasons that had nothing to do with you; for example, maybe they were tired or had to be up early the next morning. 

“Sure, I had a good conversation with Amy, but she’s nice to everyone, so it doesn’t count.” (Disqualifying the positive) 

Alternative: You need to give yourself credit for your successes, even if some of them come more easily than others. There’s still a lot you have to do on your end to make good conversation with someone, even if they are nicer than average.

Common unhelpful beliefs with more realistic alternatives 

“Being shy and socially inexperienced is one of the worst things someone can be.” 

Alternative: Those issues are common. Plenty of people have good friends and satisfying social lives despite not being socially perfect. As far as flaws go, it’s hardly comparable to, say, being a con artist who swindles money from unwary pensioners. 

“I couldn’t withstand rejection, disapproval, or an awkward interaction.” 

Alternative: Rejection can hurt, but you can bounce back from it, even if it makes you feel bummed out for a few days. No one ever becomes totally immune to it, but it’s possible to develop more productive attitudes toward rejection and become more tolerant to it: 
  • When it happens, rejection often doesn’t hurt as much as you expect it to. Just because one person rejects you doesn’t mean no one else is interested in you. 
  • Rejection isn’t a sign that you’re universally flawed; it just means you weren’t a good match for that particular person or group. 
  • Rejection sometimes isn’t about you at all. Someone may reject you because they were in a bad mood that day. 
  • Making new friends is partially a numbers game, and some amount of rejection is inevitable. 
  • Rejection helps screen out people who are incompatible with you and frees you to put your energy elsewhere. 
  • Sometimes you’ll be rejected for mistakes you make, but at least you’ll get feedback on how you can do better next time. 
  • People often respect someone who has the guts to go for what they want, even if they’re rejected.
These mentalities tend to grow as you have more success and build up the real world experiences that prove that even if some people turn you down, you can go on to have a good social life. Also, when you’re purposely trying to get used to rejection, you’ll often react to it differently than when you were unconsciously trying to avoid it. 

You’ll tend to treat it as a form of training, like a martial artist trying to toughen his hands, rather than something scary to avoid at all costs.

“I must make everyone like me.” 

Alternative: It’s impossible to make everyone like you. There are too many conflicting types of people in the world for that to happen. You wouldn’t want everyone to like you either. If you’re progressively minded, would you want to be friends with a bigot? Furthermore, the more alternative your lifestyle and values are, the fewer people who will be receptive to you. Even if you’re a pleasant, charming person, some closed-minded types won’t give you a chance based on a surface impression. There’s more to life than getting approval from the maximum percentage of the population. 

“It would be terrible if people thought of me as shy, socially awkward, or nervous.” 

Alternative: Most people are pretty forgiving of shyness and anxiety in others. They’ve felt nervous in situations themselves and are understanding. Sometimes shyness or social fumbling is seen as endearing and disarming. A few jerks may give you a hard time for it, but they’re relatively rare, especially after high school. 

“Every social mistake will have horrible consequences.”

Alternative: People make little social errors all the time. Most of them are quickly forgotten and have no lasting effects. Again, aside from the occasional jerk, most people are willing to cut you some slack if you make some gaffes but are otherwise a good person. 

“If I do something wrong, people will care about it and think badly of me for a long time.” 

Alternative: Most people are too busy worrying about themselves to give much thought to whether you said the wrong thing or seemed nervous at the start of the conversation. Even if the odd person does think badly of you, you can handle it. 

“Every interaction is a test of my social skills and likability.” 

Alternative: You’re not a failure for all time just because you have one shaky social interaction. Everyone has them. There’s no social scoreboard in the sky. 

“I’m 100 percent responsible for how well an interaction goes.” 

Alternative: The other people in an interaction have to pull their weight as well. If a conversation goes badly, it could be just as much a reflection of their social abilities as yours. It’s a misconception that if someone’s people skills are good enough, they can make every interaction go smoothly. 

“I’m 100 percent responsible for other people’s reactions.” 

Alternative: People’s reactions are often as much about them as about you. If someone reacts badly to you, it may because they’re stressed for any number of possible reasons. 

“My social performance has to be at 100 percent at all times.” 

Alternative: Many people do just fine in social situations even if they’re not completely “on.” It’s possible to socialize effectively if you’re feeling a bit distracted, grumpy, or insecure.

“Everyone has super high standards for what they expect in others. I have to come across as really impressive.” 

Alternative: Some people are choosy, but what most people look for in a friend is someone who they get along with, who they have some things in common with, and who they feel comfortable around. They’re not looking for someone who’s perfect in every way. 

“Everyone else totally has their act together socially.” 

Alternative: Everyone has weak areas and insecurities. Everyone has nervous moments. Most people are socially average. Only a handful are highly charming and confident, and even they feel unsure of themselves at times. 

“He just said he liked my shirt. He’s making fun of me.” 

Alternative: The vast majority of the time, if a person says something positive to you, they mean it at face value. They’re not subtly disrespecting you or setting up a trap. The best way to handle a compliment is with a simple, cheerful “Thanks.” 

“The people in this city have a reputation for being unfriendly to non-locals, and I’m overweight and have a stutter. It’s impossible for me to make friends here.” 

Alternative: All else being equal, it will be harder for you to make friends, but that’s not even close to meaning it’s impossible. Most people have a few traits or circumstances that get in the way of their social lives, but they manage. 

“It’s inappropriate to chat with strangers. Who does that? Everyone will think I’m a creep.” 

Alternative: Although not everyone talks to strangers, it’s not unusual to do so, and it often goes well. Sometimes you won’t get a warm reaction, even when you approach someone in a polite way, but it doesn’t mean the act itself is wrong.

Using mindfulness-based techniques to deal with unhelpful thoughts and emotions 

The preceding part of the chapter explained how to reframe unhelpful thoughts by logically debunking them. The ideas in this part offer another approach: to deal with unwanted thoughts and emotions by acknowledging their presence, but not getting sucked in by them. 

The concepts may seem to contradict the suggestions above, but in practice the two approaches are complementary. Some of your unpleasant thoughts and feelings will respond better to a logical reasoning approach, while others are better managed by being mindful, which is covered in the following pages.

Being mindful of unwanted thoughts and feelings 

Mindfulness involves focusing your attention on the present moment and experiencing your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without judgment. Rather than seeing anxiety, nervousness, or shyness as horrible things you must fight off at all costs, you can accept that they will sometimes appear, but you don’t have to get swallowed up by them. Instead, you can learn to experience them in a more detached way. 

Our minds are thought generators. Some of our thoughts are useful and valid, but others are mental noise. The anxious and unconfident parts of the mind in particular tend to send out a steady stream of worried or insecure chatter. 

These thoughts aren’t bad or evil. They’re just a by-product of how our brains work. You can learn to simply observe these thoughts and choose not to take them at face value or act on them. You don’t need to debate or break them down. 

That would give them too much credit and power. Instead, you can briefly note them in a distant, nonjudgmental way and then let them pass. Try this: Think to yourself, “There’s a hungry dragon nearby.” When you did this, you probably thought, “‘There’s a hungry dragon nearby’.… Uh… Okay?”

You had the thought, but you didn’t automatically go, “Oh no! A dragon! I’ve got to hide!” However, when you have thoughts like, “No one likes me” or “I won’t be able to handle meeting my roommate’s friends tomorrow,” you’re much more likely to treat them as true and get pulled into worrying mode or see them as a type of thinking that must be battled and purged. 

You’ll never stop having undesirable thoughts, but with practice you can get better at not reacting to them. The same approach can be applied to emotions. If a negative feeling such as nervousness or sadness comes on, the idea is not to fight it and inadvertently fan the flames. 

Your moods come and go, and if you let them run their course instead of overreacting, you’ll usually feel different before long. For example, if you start to feel anxious, “be” with your anxiety, observe it with a detached curiosity, and let it do its thing; it will pass soon enough. It may not feel pleasant, but it can’t truly hurt you. 

On the other hand, if you get freaked out by your nervous symptoms, you’ll make them worse. A common analogy is that it’s like being out in the ocean as a big wave approaches you. If you stay calm and tread water, it will pass under you. If you struggle and try to swim away from the wave, you’ll stay with it until it slams into shore.

Practicing mindful meditation 

You can cultivate your ability to experience your thoughts and feelings without overreacting to them by practicing mindful meditation. Unlike some other types of meditation, the idea isn’t to achieve a state of relaxation, stop all thinking entirely, or come to some Zen insight about the universe that sweeps all of your problems away. 

The goal is to sit quietly and feel any number of feelings or think any number of thoughts, but not judge, label, or overreact to any of it. As with any skill, you can get better at it through consistent practice. Here’s a quick overview of how to mindfully meditate. Some books in the Further Reading section go into more detail if it’s something that piques your interest. 

Caution: If you have a type of anxiety that tends to get triggered by focusing on your physical symptoms, this exercise may not be for you, at least without a counselor who’s familiar with the practice to guide you through it at first. 

Set aside roughly fifteen minutes. The exact length of time it isn’t critical. Sit or lie in a comfortable position. Feel free to use a chair or couch. Choose whether to open or close your eyes. Go with whichever you find easiest. Focus on your breathing. 

You don’t need to breathe in any special way; just pay attention to it. Sit or lie quietly. All kinds of thoughts will pass through your mind, from reminding yourself of errands you need to run to feeling insecure about yourself to thinking, “I’m bored. This isn’t working.” It doesn’t matter what the thoughts are. 

Try to acknowledge them in a detached way and then set them aside and return your focus to your breathing. Allow yourself to feel a variety of sensations, like noticing your face is itchy, wanting to move your leg, or feeling pangs of nervousness. 

Whatever the sensation is, don’t try to make it go away. Just sit with it and observe it with a gentle curiosity. Watch how it changes on its own and likely dissipates. If your mind wanders for minutes at a time, that’s fine. 

The purpose of this type of meditation is to realize that your thinking can go in any number of directions, that it’s all okay, and that you don’t need to react to all of it. When you’re done meditating, sit or lie still for another minute or two, then simply get up and resume your day. 

Try to mindfully meditate each day. If you’d like, gradually try to increase the length of your sessions, up to about an hour. However, don’t feel you must. Short meditations are still beneficial. 

As you become more proficient at being mindful while meditating, you’ll find the skill will carry over into your day-to-day life. You’ll have an easier time letting your thoughts and negative emotions happen and pass away without overreacting to them.
By on