How to Deepening New Friendships?

Deepening New Friendships

Not every friendships you have has to be really close. People are often happy to have some friends who are lighter activity or partying buddies. However, we usually need at least one of our friendships to be more deep and intimate. This post chapter lays out the factors that lead to friendships becoming closer. 

The concepts described below often happen automatically as a friendship progresses, but you can take some control of your relationships by deliberately trying to use these points. They mainly apply to individual friends, but some of them also carry over to becoming tighter with a group. Some things to know going in: 

There’s no formula to becoming better friends with everybody you meet 

Not everyone you meet is going to want to hang out with you. And even if you get along on a surface level, not everyone you hang out with is going to become a closer friend. We’re just not compatible with most people in terms of availability, interests, values, and what we’re looking for in a friendship. Although you can try to apply the ideas below to your new friends, realize they’re not all going to go the distance and become your soul mates. 
Deepening New Friendships Not every friendships you have has to be really close. People are often happy to have some friends who are lighter activity or partying buddies. However, we usually need at least one of our friendships to be more deep and intimate. This post chapter lays out the factors that lead to friendships becoming closer. The concepts described below often happen automatically as a friendship progresses, but you can take some control of your relationships by deliberately trying to use these points. They mainly apply to individual friends, but some of them also carry over to becoming tighter with a group. Some things to know going in: There’s no formula to becoming better friends with everybody you meet Not everyone you meet is going to want to hang out with you. And even if you get along on a surface level, not everyone you hang out with is going to become a closer friend. We’re just not compatible with most people in terms of availability, interests, values, and what we’re looking for in a friendship. Although you can try to apply the ideas below to your new friends, realize they’re not all going to go the distance and become your soul mates. That’s okay though, because people are often enjoyable to be around on a more casual basis. On the same note, just because you may be able to successfully apply one or more of the ideas below to someone, that won’t guarantee the friendship is going to go anywhere. For example, you may have a really intimate conversation with them, but overall they’ll continue to think of you as someone they run into every now and then. If you’re making an effort to become better friends with someone and you get the sense you’re putting more energy into it than they are, consider backing off and adjusting your expectations. Sometimes you’ll become good friends with someone pretty quickly; at other times it takes a while Many people have had the experience of meeting someone new and immediately starting to hang out with them nearly every day. Just as many have friendships where the bond grew more gradually. Neither progression is better than the other. Friendships can get off the ground quickly in the following situations: when you just click with a person unusually well; when you’re both at a place in your lives where you’re looking for new friends (for example, during the first weeks of college); when you’re both available and easily accessible to each other (for example, you live in the same building and have lots of free time to hang out); when you fulfill an unmet need in each other’s lives (for example, you absolutely love reading and discussing books, but none of your other friends care much about them); when you’re in a situation where the usual standards for friendship progression don’t apply, like when you meet people while traveling and feel like friends for life after knowing them for only five days. Friendships can grow more slowly when one or both of you are pretty busy with your day-to-day lives and/or already have many friends who fill up your calendar; when you get along well enough, but there isn’t that instant spark of intense compatibility; when you’re not actively trying to deepen your friendship with them. For example, they’re on the periphery of your social circle, and you get to know them better here and there. It’s natural to feel a bit awkward and insecure as a new friendship begins There are times when you’ll hit it off with someone right away and never feel uncomfortable around them. There are also those times where your friendships will develop in a low-stakes, almost accidental way. However, sometimes the process is more nerve-racking, like if you meet someone at a one-off event and then actively try to start a friendship with them. Here it’s understandable that things will feel uncertain because you’re not sure how much they like you or if you’ll continue to get along and have things to say to each other. It usually takes a month or so before you start to feel more relaxed and secure about the relationship. Ways to develop a new friendship Every friendship is different, and not every point will apply to every type equally. Some friendships are more about sharing and connecting, while others are based around hobbies, joking around, and going out at night. Spend more time together Simply spending more time with someone is the backbone of becoming better friends with them. A close relationship isn’t something that happens in a few hours. You need space for all the relationship-enhancing things covered below to happen. Time is an important enough factor that we often become good friends with the people we naturally have a lot of contact with, like coworkers, friends of friends, classmates, and team members. With time, friendships can even develop between people who were initially indifferent to each other. Make an effort to hang out with them regularly The main way to spend enough time with someone is to hang out with them fairly often. Sometimes you’ll be in a situation where you’ll automatically put in those hours. If not, you should try to use the ideas in the previous chapter to organize get-togethers so you can continue seeing them. With some people, you’ll quickly fall into a routine of hanging out all the time. With others, you may only be able to get together every three weeks for a quick bite to eat. This step needs to be ongoing. It’s not about coordinating a one-time hangout. It’s about putting in the effort to keep seeing them continuously over a period of months. You might have trouble here because: You’re a bit too busy or lazy, and don’t put in the work to see your new friends regularly. You’re shy and reluctant to invite someone to hang out because you fear rejection or an awkward moment. This most often comes up during the first few invites, but may subtly affect your actions later if you believe your friend is “above” you. You’re insecure and prone to thinking you’re not worth hanging around and your new friends must not really like you. You don’t have the highest need to socialize, and it causes you to not initiate get-togethers as often as needed to keep your new friendships going. Spend one-on-one time talking with them People can get to know each other and bond in a group setting, but often the real opportunities to connect come when it’s just you and one other person. Also, if you haven’t hung out with someone on your own, how close is your friendship really? Many people have known someone through group outings, but have seen a different side of them when they started hanging out as a pair. They’ll point to that as when their friendship really started to develop. You could get that one on-one time by arranging to do something with them separately. You could also find moments to break off with them from the larger group. For example, the two of you may be able to retreat to the backyard to talk at a party. Keep up with them in between hanging out One thing that distinguishes closer friends from more casual ones is how much they stay in contact between times when they hang out in person. Good friends often keep in touch. More casual buddies think along the lines of, “I’ll be happy to see them when we run into each other in person, but I don’t need to keep up with them otherwise.” Especially if you’re not hanging out with your new friends all the time, keep up with them in between get-togethers. Send them a text making a joke or asking how their week was, email them a link they may like, or call them on the phone to catch up. Take their response rate and their own efforts to reach out to you as a gauge of how often you should be in touch with them. Some people are happy to text back and forth all day. Others are more of a weekly contact type. Of course, after you’ve established a certain level of friendship, you can often get away with going weeks at a time without talking, then picking up where you left off. However, you’ll only maintain the relationship this way, not actively grow it. The problems listed as hindrances to hanging out with a friend regularly— laziness, shyness, insecurity, fear of rejection—can also crop up when it comes to keeping in touch (for example, you start composing a text and then think, “Ah, I’m probably bugging her. She doesn’t want to hear from me”). If you do go a few months without talking to someone you know well, it’s usually not a huge deal to get back in touch and catch up. There’s nothing odd about dropping someone a line after being out of contact for a while. It’s another one of those emotional reasoning moments where if you feel awkward about doing it, you believe it’s an inappropriate thing to do. Never feel you have to throw a relationship away because you went too long without speaking and now it would be weird to get in touch. When you contact them, just say you’ve been busy lately and ask what they’ve been up to. If they don’t want to reconnect, you can handle it. It’s not like you were regularly spending time with them anyway. Have a good time together when you hang out What a “good time” entails depends on what you’re looking for. It could be an intellectual conversation over coffee, an afternoon working on a car together, or a night out at the bars. You can help grow a relationship by going out of your way to do things you know your new friend will enjoy. As the last chapter mentioned, you don’t have to do something incredibly novel each time. On the other hand, don’t fall into a rut where all you ever do is sit around and be bored. Learn more about each other and expand the range of topics you talk about When you’re not particularly close to someone, you only know their standard biographical info, and your conversations often stay on a handful of topics, like your shared workplace and a sport you both follow. We feel closer to people when we know more details about them and can discuss any number of subjects. Open up to each other Not every friendship has to include tons of intimate sharing, but in general, people see their relationships as deeper and more rewarding when they can talk to each other about weighty or personal topics that they don’t feel comfortable bringing up with just anyone. It also feels good to know you’ve shown someone pieces of your “real self” and they accept you for it, or to connect when you realize you both share the same hidden quirk or past experience. You should consciously try to steer your conversations with your new friend to deeper territory if they aren’t heading that way on their own over time. If your friend is the first to head in a more intimate direction, don’t shy away. Be a good friend in all the usual ways Being a good friend is a broad concept that’s hard to sum up in a few paragraphs. A friendship will grow closer if each person comes to see the other as someone they can count on and who makes them feel good about themselves. That means showing the standard traits of a good friend and a likable person, including generally showing that you like the other person and want to hang out with them; being positive and fun to be around; being dependable; being emotionally supportive; being willing to go out of your way for them; not gossiping or complaining about them behind their back; not blabbing to everyone about things they told you in confidence; not using them or taking them for granted; not freaking out at them over little things or taking out your frustrations on them; showing good character on the whole. You can act awesome around them, but if they hear that you’re a scumbag otherwise, they may not want anything to do with you. No one’s perfect, and no one expects their buddies to be, either. Everyone’s also different regarding traits they think are important and the flaws they’re willing to overlook. One person may primarily look for friends who are entertaining to go out with and not care if they’re unreliable. Another may see flakiness as a deal breaker and put a premium on someone who will be honest with them and keep their secrets. Have some adventures or crazy times together Having a shared history increases the sense that you have a strong relationship with someone. Even better is a history with some truly memorable experiences. It gives you that ability to say, “Ha ha, remember the time when we…?” Lots of people have memories of seeing someone, or a group, as casual friends until they took that one legendary camping trip together and started to think of each other as a tightly knit unit. An adventure is some sort of excursion or experience that’s fun and out of the ordinary. It doesn’t have to be a ridiculous drunken night if that’s not your style. Be there for them during their difficult times People can bond when one of them helps the other. They can also grow closer when they support each other through a shared challenge, whether it’s being in a demanding graduate program, working under an annoying boss, or living together as broke aspiring entrepreneurs. They can look back over the relationship and think, “We’re pretty close. We’ve gotten each other through some rough patches.” It’s harder to see someone as just a casual friend when you’ve seen their vulnerable side, had them lean on you, and empathized with their struggles. As always, this isn’t a guarantee you’ll become closer, and you could even come to feel used and unappreciated. But if the friendship is going in a good direction, helping each other can strengthen it further. Although larger, emotionally heavy life events lead to stronger bonds, helping a new friend could be as simple as offering to give them a ride to the mechanic to pick up their car or letting them vent over something inconsiderate their mom said.


That’s okay though, because people are often enjoyable to be around on a more casual basis. On the same note, just because you may be able to successfully apply one or more of the ideas below to someone, that won’t guarantee the friendship is going to go anywhere. 

For example, you may have a really intimate conversation with them, but overall they’ll continue to think of you as someone they run into every now and then. If you’re making an effort to become better friends with someone and you get the sense you’re putting more energy into it than they are, consider backing off and adjusting your expectations.

Sometimes you’ll become good friends with someone pretty quickly; at other times it takes a while 

Many people have had the experience of meeting someone new and immediately starting to hang out with them nearly every day. Just as many have friendships where the bond grew more gradually. Neither progression is better than the other. Friendships can get off the ground quickly in the following situations: 
  • when you just click with a person unusually well; 
  • when you’re both at a place in your lives where you’re looking for new friends (for example, during the first weeks of college); 
  • when you’re both available and easily accessible to each other (for example, you live in the same building and have lots of free time to hang out); 
  • when you fulfill an unmet need in each other’s lives (for example, you absolutely love reading and discussing books, but none of your other friends care much about them); 
  • when you’re in a situation where the usual standards for friendship progression don’t apply, like when you meet people while traveling and feel like friends for life after knowing them for only five days. 

Friendships can grow more slowly 

  • when one or both of you are pretty busy with your day-to-day lives and/or already have many friends who fill up your calendar; 
  • when you get along well enough, but there isn’t that instant spark of intense compatibility; 
  • when you’re not actively trying to deepen your friendship with them. For example, they’re on the periphery of your social circle, and you get to know them better here and there. 

It’s natural to feel a bit awkward and insecure as a new friendship begins

There are times when you’ll hit it off with someone right away and never feel uncomfortable around them. There are also those times where your friendships will develop in a low-stakes, almost accidental way. However, sometimes the process is more nerve-racking, like if you meet someone at a one-off event and then actively try to start a friendship with them. 

Here it’s understandable that things will feel uncertain because you’re not sure how much they like you or if you’ll continue to get along and have things to say to each other. It usually takes a month or so before you start to feel more relaxed and secure about the relationship. 

Ways to develop a new friendship 

Every friendship is different, and not every point will apply to every type equally. Some friendships are more about sharing and connecting, while others are based around hobbies, joking around, and going out at night. 

Spend more time together 

Simply spending more time with someone is the backbone of becoming better friends with them. A close relationship isn’t something that happens in a few hours. You need space for all the relationship-enhancing things covered below to happen. Time is an important enough factor that we often become good friends with the people we naturally have a lot of contact with, like coworkers, friends of friends, classmates, and team members. With time, friendships can even develop between people who were initially indifferent to each other. 

Make an effort to hang out with them regularly 

The main way to spend enough time with someone is to hang out with them fairly often. Sometimes you’ll be in a situation where you’ll automatically put in those hours. 

If not, you should try to use the ideas in the previous chapter to organize get-togethers so you can continue seeing them. With some people, you’ll quickly fall into a routine of hanging out all the time. 

With others, you may only be able to get together every three weeks for a quick bite to eat. This step needs to be ongoing. It’s not about coordinating a one-time hangout. It’s about putting in the effort to keep seeing them continuously over a period of months. You might have trouble here because: 
  • You’re a bit too busy or lazy, and don’t put in the work to see your new friends regularly. 
  • You’re shy and reluctant to invite someone to hang out because you fear rejection or an awkward moment. This most often comes up during the first few invites, but may subtly affect your actions later if you believe your friend is “above” you. 
  • You’re insecure and prone to thinking you’re not worth hanging around and your new friends must not really like you. 
  • You don’t have the highest need to socialize, and it causes you to not initiate get-togethers as often as needed to keep your new friendships going. 

Spend one-on-one time talking with them 

People can get to know each other and bond in a group setting, but often the real opportunities to connect come when it’s just you and one other person. Also, if you haven’t hung out with someone on your own, how close is your friendship really? Many people have known someone through group outings, but have seen a different side of them when they started hanging out as a pair. 

They’ll point to that as when their friendship really started to develop. You could get that one on-one time by arranging to do something with them separately. You could also find moments to break off with them from the larger group. For example, the two of you may be able to retreat to the backyard to talk at a party. 

Keep up with them in between hanging out 

One thing that distinguishes closer friends from more casual ones is how much they stay in contact between times when they hang out in person. Good friends often keep in touch. More casual buddies think along the lines of, “I’ll be happy to see them when we run into each other in person, but I don’t need to keep up with them otherwise.” 

Especially if you’re not hanging out with your new friends all the time, keep up with them in between get-togethers. Send them a text making a joke or asking how their week was, email them a link they may like, or call them on the phone to catch up. 

Take their response rate and their own efforts to reach out to you as a gauge of how often you should be in touch with them. Some people are happy to text back and forth all day. Others are more of a weekly contact type. 

Of course, after you’ve established a certain level of friendship, you can often get away with going weeks at a time without talking, then picking up where you left off. However, you’ll only maintain the relationship this way, not actively grow it. 

The problems listed as hindrances to hanging out with a friend regularly— laziness, shyness, insecurity, fear of rejection—can also crop up when it comes to keeping in touch (for example, you start composing a text and then think, “Ah, I’m probably bugging her. She doesn’t want to hear from me”). If you do go a few months without talking to someone you know well, it’s usually not a huge deal to get back in touch and catch up. 

There’s nothing odd about dropping someone a line after being out of contact for a while. It’s another one of those emotional reasoning moments where if you feel awkward about doing it, you believe it’s an inappropriate thing to do. 

Never feel you have to throw a relationship away because you went too long without speaking and now it would be weird to get in touch. When you contact them, just say you’ve been busy lately and ask what they’ve been up to. If they don’t want to reconnect, you can handle it. It’s not like you were regularly spending time with them anyway. 

Have a good time together when you hang out 

What a “good time” entails depends on what you’re looking for. It could be an intellectual conversation over coffee, an afternoon working on a car together, or a night out at the bars. You can help grow a relationship by going out of your way to do things you know your new friend will enjoy. As the last chapter mentioned, you don’t have to do something incredibly novel each time. On the other hand, don’t fall into a rut where all you ever do is sit around and be bored. 

Learn more about each other and expand the range of topics you talk about 

When you’re not particularly close to someone, you only know their standard biographical info, and your conversations often stay on a handful of topics, like your shared workplace and a sport you both follow. We feel closer to people when we know more details about them and can discuss any number of subjects. 

Open up to each other 

Not every friendship has to include tons of intimate sharing, but in general, people see their relationships as deeper and more rewarding when they can talk to each other about weighty or personal topics that they don’t feel comfortable bringing up with just anyone. It also feels good to know you’ve shown someone pieces of your “real self” and they accept you for it, or to connect when you realize you both share the same hidden quirk or past experience. You should consciously try to steer your conversations with your new friend to deeper territory if they aren’t heading that way on their own over time. If your friend is the first to head in a more intimate direction, don’t shy away. 

Be a good friend in all the usual ways 

Being a good friend is a broad concept that’s hard to sum up in a few paragraphs. A friendship will grow closer if each person comes to see the other as someone they can count on and who makes them feel good about themselves. That means showing the standard traits of a good friend and a likable person, including 
  • generally showing that you like the other person and want to hang out with them;
  • being positive and fun to be around; 
  • being dependable; 
  • being emotionally supportive; 
  • being willing to go out of your way for them; 
  • not gossiping or complaining about them behind their back; 
  • not blabbing to everyone about things they told you in confidence; 
  • not using them or taking them for granted; 
  • not freaking out at them over little things or taking out your frustrations on them; showing good character on the whole. You can act awesome around them, but if they hear that you’re a scumbag otherwise, they may not want anything to do with you. 
No one’s perfect, and no one expects their buddies to be, either. Everyone’s also different regarding traits they think are important and the flaws they’re willing to overlook. One person may primarily look for friends who are entertaining to go out with and not care if they’re unreliable. Another may see flakiness as a deal breaker and put a premium on someone who will be honest with them and keep their secrets. 

Have some adventures or crazy times together 

Having a shared history increases the sense that you have a strong relationship with someone. Even better is a history with some truly memorable experiences. It gives you that ability to say, “Ha ha, remember the time when we…?” 

Lots of people have memories of seeing someone, or a group, as casual friends until they took that one legendary camping trip together and started to think of each other as a tightly knit unit. An adventure is some sort of excursion or experience that’s fun and out of the ordinary. It doesn’t have to be a ridiculous drunken night if that’s not your style. 

Be there for them during their difficult times

People can bond when one of them helps the other. They can also grow closer when they support each other through a shared challenge, whether it’s being in a demanding graduate program, working under an annoying boss, or living together as broke aspiring entrepreneurs. 

They can look back over the relationship and think, “We’re pretty close. We’ve gotten each other through some rough patches.” It’s harder to see someone as just a casual friend when you’ve seen their vulnerable side, had them lean on you, and empathized with their struggles. As always, this isn’t a guarantee you’ll become closer, and you could even come to feel used and unappreciated. 

But if the friendship is going in a good direction, helping each other can strengthen it further. Although larger, emotionally heavy life events lead to stronger bonds, helping a new friend could be as simple as offering to give them a ride to the mechanic to pick up their car or letting them vent over something inconsiderate their mom said.
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