Making a Group of Fun Friends

Maybe you have no problem making individual friends who you can do things with one-on-one, but you also want a group of buddies to hang out with. This chapter covers how to do that. It goes over the three main ways to make a group of friends:

merging your individual friends into a group;
making one friend and then falling in with their social circle; and
making a new group of friends all at once.

The second and third methods involve joining an existing group, so the second half of the chapter gives some pointers on how to do that. Once more, keep in mind the social world is unpredictable, and over the short term, you’ll only have so much power to create the exact type of friend circle you want.

Making a Group of Fun Friends Maybe you have no problem making individual friends who you can do things with one-on-one, but you also want a group of buddies to hang out with. This chapter covers how to do that. It goes over the three main ways to make a group of friends: merging your individual friends into a group; making one friend and then falling in with their social circle; and making a new group of friends all at once. The second and third methods involve joining an existing group, so the second half of the chapter gives some pointers on how to do that. Once more, keep in mind the social world is unpredictable, and over the short term, you’ll only have so much power to create the exact type of friend circle you want. Even if you set out to become part of a group, it may not happen right away. Here are more details on the three ways to make a group of friends: Merge your individual friends into a group If you have several individual friends, how can you get them to start hanging out with each other? First, you’ll need to arrange some way for them to meet. You could try introducing them to each other one or two at a time, perhaps by seeing a movie or going out to eat together, or you could organize a bigger get-together and have them all meet at once. However, there’s no foolproof way to ensure your individual friends will like each other. Everyone hangs out with a variety of people, and they’re not always compatible with each other, even though they all share the commonality of getting along with you. You just have to put them together and see if it works out. One basic tip is to mention things they have in common to break the ice between your friends to get them talking (“Bob, David used to work at the same nonprofit you did”). If you’re introducing one friend to a small group, don’t leave them to fend for themselves. To allow for the best chance of your friends clicking, try to hang out with everyone on several occasions. People often don’t have enough time to really learn much about each other during one meeting. Spending time with each other over multiple outings also gets everyone thinking along the lines of, “We’re a group that often hangs out together.” Make one friend, meet their buddies, and try to fall in with that group If you’ve made an individual friend or two already, you can try to meet their friends and see if you can join that social circle. If you hang out with someone enough, these opportunities will likely come up naturally. If not, you can take the initiative to meet your friend’s friends. If you catch wind that they do any kind of group activity regularly, you can ask to come along. You could also try to meet them by planning some sort of party or larger get-together. Here it’s also a good play to try to meet your friend’s friends more than once so they have more time to get to know you and get adjusted to the idea of having you around. Make a group of new friends all at once There are two ways you can do this. The first is when you join a pre-existing social circle at a class, job, or club. For example, you start volunteering at an animal shelter and quickly fall in with a group of fellow volunteers you see often. The second is when outside circumstances force you and several other people, who don’t know each other either, to spend a lot of time together (for example, you all moved into the same floor of a dorm, or you’ve all started a job at the same time). When you’re in these situations, try to organize a get-together that brings everyone together outside of the context where you’ve all met. If you want to make a group of friends in a work, school, or club setting, it’s also important to be friendly with many of the people and existing groups there. You can hardly create a larger circle at your job if you only talk to two coworkers. More advice on how to join an existing group of friends When people talk of wanting to join groups, they usually mean one of two things: They’ve identified a group they think they want to join, haven’t talked to any of the members much, if at all, and don’t know how to approach them. They interact with the group at least somewhat regularly, but still feel like an occasional guest; they’d prefer to be a full-fledged member. Just like you can’t form a group of friends to order, there’s no way to guarantee you can join any specific group. This subsection covers how to join groups that you have some things in common with and who are open to having you, not how to sneak into that one super-snobby clique. Some groups are just going to be difficult to join because the members have known each other a while and are reluctant to include new members. Whatever the group you’re trying to get in with, try not to put them on a pedestal. They’re just a social circle, not gods with the power to determine your happiness. If you don’t become closer with them, it may be disappointing, but there are always other prospects. Depending on your particular situation and the group you want to join, you may not need to use every one of the following steps: Step 1: Make initial contact This step may be taken care of automatically if you’ve been introduced by a friend or your circumstances. If not, your options for making the initial contact depend on the access you have to the group. Here are the two main possibilities: Approach 1: Introduce yourself to everyone at once For example: You work at a big company. In the cafeteria you notice a group of coworkers from another department who seem right up your alley. One day you ask if you can sit with them. There’s a gaming store on your campus, and every time you’ve walked by, you’ve seen a bunch of regulars hanging out and playing a game you’re into. You walk in one day, introduce yourself, and explain how you’re a fan of the game too and looking for a group to play with. It takes a certain amount of guts to go up to a group of people and insert yourself into their conversation. You may worry it will come off as lame or overeager. If you’ve seen them around for a while without approaching them, you may also think they’ll see you as strange for only coming over now. But if you’re their type and you come off as reasonably likable and confident, it can all go quite smoothly. If it makes you too nervous, you can always try the next option. Approach 2: Get to know a few members, then meet the rest of the group through them Again, these are situations where you have to go out of your way to make contact with the group. A few examples: You’ve noticed a group you want to join in one of your university classes. In a second class, it’s just you and one of the members. You get to know her in that class, and after the two of you are on friendly terms, you start sitting with the whole group in the other course. You play in a rec softball league and have noticed one of the other teams is made up of a group of friends whom you seem to have a lot in common with. A few weeks later at a league-wide end-of-season party, you start talking to one of them and seem to get along. You ask them to introduce you to their teammates, which they happily do. However you first make contact with a group, if you’re a good fit, this step may be the only point of struggle. After you’ve broken the ice, the rest will easily fall into place. Step 2: Find a way to hang out with the group consistently and become closer with everyone Assuming you didn’t effortlessly become accepted as soon as you met everybody, the work will then be in moving from “The group now knows I exist and seems okay with me” to “I spend time with them regularly, and they consider me a friend.” Don’t get discouraged if things don’t go perfectly the first time The first time you spend time with a group usually doesn’t make or break you. People may form a rough idea of what you’re like after talking to you once, but they don’t decide then and there if they want to be friends. They usually have to hang out with someone a few times before they know how the relationship is going to develop. Occasionally, your first meeting with everyone isn’t super encouraging. Your interactions may have been a little strained or inhibited, or you may have felt stuck on the sidelines despite your best efforts to stay in the mix. It can be tempting to throw in the towel, but give it a few more chances. Sometimes people get off to an iffy start and then realize they’re more compatible than they first assumed. Figure out how to get in on the group’s get-togethers Sometimes people successfully make initial contact with a group and become friendly with the members in a light, casual way. However, they’re not getting in on the fun group activities that are one of the reasons they want to join the group in the first place. For example, they may be able to chat with a group of people in one of their classes, but not see them on the weekends when they all hang out. If you’re in this situation, there are a few things you can try: As with making friends in general, you may just need to get on the group’s radar as someone they could hang out with outside of the situation where you all met. After you let them know you enjoy the same activities they do, they may get the picture and start keeping you in the loop (for example, “You all go out and try new restaurants every week? I’m into trying new places too, and I’d be down to join. I can even suggest some good spots”). You could ask about more specific future plans and then politely ask if you can take part. You could try arranging a get-together yourself. Even if everyone can’t make it, your invitation sends the message that you’re interested in hanging out with them. For this suggestion, you have to use your judgment about whether planning something for the group would be appropriate. Some groups are fine with newer members trying to make plans. Others are more established and set in their ways and will tune out ideas from anyone they don’t know well enough. If you got into the group through one or two people, get connected to the other members Another problem people have when joining a group is they’ll start hanging out with a group regularly, but even if everyone is nice to them, it’s still like they’re perpetual guests of the friend or friends who initially introduced them. Aside from spending more time with the group, here are some ways to move beyond that situation: When you’re all hanging out, take time to break away from your original friend(s) and get to know the other members. Make it clear you want to get to know everyone better and not just accompany your buddy to the odd get-together. Get the other group members’ contact info. Aside from allowing you to get in touch with them and sending another signal that you want to get to know the whole group, it also frees you from having to rely on your original connection as your sole means of hearing about the group’s plans. You don’t have to become equally close to everyone or have them all like you to the same degree. Although you want to get away from being seen as the guest of one or two members, you don’t have to become best friends with every last person in the group. As long as a group on the whole wants you around, it’s okay if your connection with a few members is a little undeveloped. In most social circles, even though everyone gets along, some members are closer than others. If the group is big enough, there will be subgroups within the larger one. When you’re new to a group, try to be on fairly good terms with everyone, but also look for the handful of members you get along with best. As long as one of the subgroups takes you in, you’ll be seen as part of the bigger crowd. Step 3: Put in your time with the group and deepen your relationship with everyone After you’re hanging out with the group consistently, becoming more enmeshed in it is mostly a matter of time. If you put in enough hours with them, they’ll naturally start to think of you as a member. You’ll get to know everyone better, even if it’s only a group that gets together to party, rather than have lots of intimate discussions. You’ll share some memorable experiences. You’ll become familiar with their private jokes and get in on the ground floor for new ones that develop. Mostly this will all happen automatically, but you can speed the process along by consciously adapting and applying the ideas in the previous chapter on growing relationships. Understand that you may not feel like a full-fledged member for a while Sometimes when you join a group, you’ll feel like a full-on member right away. Alternatively, you might feel like a hanger-on for a few months. That doesn’t necessarily mean the group doesn’t like you; if some members have known each other for years and years, they’ll be more drawn toward each other and might unintentionally leave you out. Once you’re hanging out with the group on a regular basis, you’re in. Don’t discount that and convince yourself you’re still an outsider. Just keep showing up and doing what you’re doing; over time you’ll get to know everyone better and become more of a core member. Accept that becoming part of a group doesn’t always work out Exposure and familiarity generally increase bonds between people, but it’s not guaranteed. Sometimes you’ll join a group, feel on thin ice the whole time, and then eventually leave when you realize you’ll never be fully included. You need to be willing to go through this uncertain, risky period. Any feelings of being a second-tier member may only be temporary. If you really feel yourself struggling, it may be a sign the group isn’t a good match for you.

Even if you set out to become part of a group, it may not happen right away. Here are more details on the three ways to make a group of friends:

Merge your individual friends into a group

If you have several individual friends, how can you get them to start hanging out with each other? First, you’ll need to arrange some way for them to meet. You could try introducing them to each other one or two at a time, perhaps by seeing a movie or going out to eat together, or you could organize a bigger get-together and have them all meet at once.

However, there’s no foolproof way to ensure your individual friends will like each other. Everyone hangs out with a variety of people, and they’re not always compatible with each other, even though they all share the commonality of getting along with you. You just have to put them together and see if it works out.

One basic tip is to mention things they have in common to break the ice between your friends to get them talking (“Bob, David used to work at the same nonprofit you did”). If you’re introducing one friend to a small group, don’t leave them to fend for themselves. To allow for the best chance of your friends clicking, try to hang out with everyone on several occasions.

People often don’t have enough time to really learn much about each other during one meeting. Spending time with each other over multiple outings also gets everyone thinking along the lines of, “We’re a group that often hangs out together.”

Make one friend, meet their buddies, and try to fall in with that group

If you’ve made an individual friend or two already, you can try to meet their friends and see if you can join that social circle. If you hang out with someone enough, these opportunities will likely come up naturally. If not, you can take the initiative to meet your friend’s friends. If you catch wind that they do any kind of group activity regularly, you can ask to come along.

You could also try to meet them by planning some sort of party or larger get-together. Here it’s also a good play to try to meet your friend’s friends more than once so they have more time to get to know you and get adjusted to the idea of having you around.

Make a group of new friends all at once

There are two ways you can do this. The first is when you join a pre-existing social circle at a class, job, or club. For example, you start volunteering at an animal shelter and quickly fall in with a group of fellow volunteers you see often.

The second is when outside circumstances force you and several other people, who don’t know each other either, to spend a lot of time together (for example, you all moved into the same floor of a dorm, or you’ve all started a job at the same time). When you’re in these situations, try to organize a get-together that brings everyone together outside of the context where you’ve all met.

If you want to make a group of friends in a work, school, or club setting, it’s also important to be friendly with many of the people and existing groups there. You can hardly create a larger circle at your job if you only talk to two coworkers.

More advice on how to join an existing group of friends

When people talk of wanting to join groups, they usually mean one of two things:

They’ve identified a group they think they want to join, haven’t talked to any of the members much, if at all, and don’t know how to approach them.
They interact with the group at least somewhat regularly, but still feel like an occasional guest; they’d prefer to be a full-fledged member.

Just like you can’t form a group of friends to order, there’s no way to guarantee you can join any specific group. This subsection covers how to join groups that you have some things in common with and who are open to having you, not how to sneak into that one super-snobby clique.

Some groups are just going to be difficult to join because the members have known each other a while and are reluctant to include new members. Whatever the group you’re trying to get in with, try not to put them on a pedestal.

They’re just a social circle, not gods with the power to determine your happiness. If you don’t become closer with them, it may be disappointing, but there are always other prospects. Depending on your particular situation and the group you want to join, you may not need to use every one of the following steps:

Step 1: Make initial contact

This step may be taken care of automatically if you’ve been introduced by a friend or your circumstances. If not, your options for making the initial contact depend on the access you have to the group. Here are the two main possibilities:

Approach 1: Introduce yourself to everyone at once

For example:

You work at a big company. In the cafeteria you notice a group of coworkers from another department who seem right up your alley. One day you ask if you can sit with them.
There’s a gaming store on your campus, and every time you’ve walked by, you’ve seen a bunch of regulars hanging out and playing a game you’re into. You walk in one day, introduce yourself, and explain how you’re a fan of the game too and looking for a group to play with.

It takes a certain amount of guts to go up to a group of people and insert yourself into their conversation. You may worry it will come off as lame or overeager. If you’ve seen them around for a while without approaching them, you may also think they’ll see you as strange for only coming over now. But if you’re their type and you come off as reasonably likable and confident, it can all go quite smoothly. If it makes you too nervous, you can always try the next option.

Approach 2: Get to know a few members, then meet the rest of the group through them

Again, these are situations where you have to go out of your way to make contact with the group. A few examples:

You’ve noticed a group you want to join in one of your university classes. In a second class, it’s just you and one of the members. You get to know her in that class, and after the two of you are on friendly terms, you start sitting with the whole group in the other course.
You play in a rec softball league and have noticed one of the other teams is made up of a group of friends whom you seem to have a lot in common with. A few weeks later at a league-wide end-of-season party, you start talking to one of them and seem to get along. You ask them to introduce you to their teammates, which they happily do.

However you first make contact with a group, if you’re a good fit, this step may be the only point of struggle. After you’ve broken the ice, the rest will easily fall into place.

Step 2: Find a way to hang out with the group consistently and become closer with everyone

Assuming you didn’t effortlessly become accepted as soon as you met everybody, the work will then be in moving from “The group now knows I exist and seems okay with me” to “I spend time with them regularly, and they consider me a friend.”

Don’t get discouraged if things don’t go perfectly the first time

The first time you spend time with a group usually doesn’t make or break you. People may form a rough idea of what you’re like after talking to you once, but they don’t decide then and there if they want to be friends. They usually have to hang out with someone a few times before they know how the relationship is going to develop. Occasionally, your first meeting with everyone isn’t super encouraging. Your interactions may have been a little strained or inhibited, or you may have felt stuck on the sidelines despite your best efforts to stay in the mix. It can be tempting to throw in the towel, but give it a few more chances. Sometimes people get off to an iffy start and then realize they’re more compatible than they first assumed.

Figure out how to get in on the group’s get-togethers

Sometimes people successfully make initial contact with a group and become friendly with the members in a light, casual way. However, they’re not getting in on the fun group activities that are one of the reasons they want to join the group in the first place. For example, they may be able to chat with a group of people in one of their classes, but not see them on the weekends when they all hang out.

If you’re in this situation, there are a few things you can try:

As with making friends in general, you may just need to get on the group’s radar as someone they could hang out with outside of the situation where you all met. After you let them know you enjoy the same activities they do, they may get the picture and start keeping you in the loop (for example, “You all go out and try new restaurants every week? I’m into trying new places too, and I’d be down to join. I can even suggest some good spots”).
You could ask about more specific future plans and then politely ask if you can take part.
You could try arranging a get-together yourself. Even if everyone can’t make it, your invitation sends the message that you’re interested in hanging out with them. For this suggestion, you have to use your judgment about whether planning something for the group would be appropriate. Some groups are fine with newer members trying to make plans. Others are more established and set in their ways and will tune out ideas from anyone they don’t know well enough.

If you got into the group through one or two people, get connected to the other members

Another problem people have when joining a group is they’ll start hanging out with a group regularly, but even if everyone is nice to them, it’s still like they’re perpetual guests of the friend or friends who initially introduced them. Aside from spending more time with the group, here are some ways to move beyond that situation:

When you’re all hanging out, take time to break away from your original friend(s) and get to know the other members. Make it clear you want to get to know everyone better and not just accompany your buddy to the odd get-together.
Get the other group members’ contact info. Aside from allowing you to get in touch with them and sending another signal that you want to get to know the whole group, it also frees you from having to rely on your original connection as your sole means of hearing about the group’s plans.

You don’t have to become equally close to everyone or have them all like you to the same degree. Although you want to get away from being seen as the guest of one or two members, you don’t have to become best friends with every last person in the group. As long as a group on the whole wants you around, it’s okay if your connection with a few members is a little undeveloped.

In most social circles, even though everyone gets along, some members are closer than others. If the group is big enough, there will be subgroups within the larger one. When you’re new to a group, try to be on fairly good terms with everyone, but also look for the handful of members you get along with best. As long as one of the subgroups takes you in, you’ll be seen as part of the bigger crowd.

Step 3: Put in your time with the group and deepen your relationship with everyone

After you’re hanging out with the group consistently, becoming more enmeshed in it is mostly a matter of time. If you put in enough hours with them, they’ll naturally start to think of you as a member. You’ll get to know everyone better, even if it’s only a group that gets together to party, rather than have lots of intimate discussions. You’ll share some memorable experiences. You’ll become familiar with their private jokes and get in on the ground floor for new ones that develop. Mostly this will all happen automatically, but you can speed the process along by consciously adapting and applying the ideas in the previous chapter on growing relationships.

Understand that you may not feel like a full-fledged member for a while

Sometimes when you join a group, you’ll feel like a full-on member right away. Alternatively, you might feel like a hanger-on for a few months. That doesn’t necessarily mean the group doesn’t like you; if some members have known each other for years and years, they’ll be more drawn toward each other and might unintentionally leave you out.

Once you’re hanging out with the group on a regular basis, you’re in. Don’t discount that and convince yourself you’re still an outsider. Just keep showing up and doing what you’re doing; over time you’ll get to know everyone better and become more of a core member.

Accept that becoming part of a group doesn’t always work out

Exposure and familiarity generally increase bonds between people, but it’s not guaranteed. Sometimes you’ll join a group, feel on thin ice the whole time, and then eventually leave when you realize you’ll never be fully included.

You need to be willing to go through this uncertain, risky period. Any feelings of being a second-tier member may only be temporary. If you really feel yourself struggling, it may be a sign the group isn’t a good match for you.

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