How To Making Plans with Potential Friends?

Making Plans with Potential Friends

After you've met some people you click with, the next step is to try to arrange to hang out with them outside of the situation where you met. This is an important step and another one where lonely people sometimes slip up. 

You can meet all the people you want, and they can think you’re great, but if you don’t make any moves to spend time with them, you won’t form many lasting relationships. Your potential friends will stay as the girl you talk to in class, or the group you chat with at work on your lunch break, or the guy you joke around with at your rec league games. 
Making Plans with Potential Friends After you've met some people you click with, the next step is to try to arrange to hang out with them outside of the situation where you met. This is an important step and another one where lonely people sometimes slip up. You can meet all the people you want, and they can think you’re great, but if you don’t make any moves to spend time with them, you won’t form many lasting relationships. Your potential friends will stay as the girl you talk to in class, or the group you chat with at work on your lunch break, or the guy you joke around with at your rec league games. Even if you get to know them quite well in that environment, if you don’t take the relationship to the outside world, it may vanish when the semester is over, they get a new job, or the season ends. This chapter covers how to make plans with people so you can hang out with them and develop your relationship. It explains how to set up your own get togethers—with individuals and groups—as well as how to get in on other people’s activities. It also touches on some important habits and mentalities to keep in mind when it comes to making plans. The ideas in this post chapter are important for getting a new social life off the ground, but they are also really useful for maintaining or growing an existing one. When you’re good at making plans, you can really take charge and create the kind of social life you want for yourself, instead of having to go along with whatever everyone else decides. Being able to coordinate plans is so powerful that even people who don’t have particularly outstanding personalities can have busy social lives, just because they’re constantly arranging one outing or another. Meanwhile, someone who is more fun or interesting, but lazy about setting up get-togethers, may not go out as much as they’d like. Two useful habits To up your odds that you’ll be able to successfully make plans with people, get in the habit of doing two things. Ask for people’s contact information fairly soon after you’ve met them You may meet someone interesting, but you often can’t be sure you’re going to see them again anytime soon. Ask for their phone number or email address, or see if they’re on whatever social networking site people in your area and age group use. That way they’ll be easy to reach if you want to try to get together. Also, if they have your info, they can get in touch with you if they want to chat or invite you somewhere. Stay in the loop technology-wise Events are often announced and planned through social networking sites, and sometimes only through them, so join whichever ones your peers are a part of. You don’t necessarily have to enjoy or use them that much, but at least sign up for the social opportunities they facilitate. Knowing how quickly you can extend an invitation How long should you know someone for before inviting them out? There’s no right answer. If you’ve quickly hit it off, it’s fine to invite someone out right away. It’s also okay to have an initial good feeling about them, but want to get to know them a little bit more before inviting them somewhere. You won’t always have the option of taking it slow, though. If you’ve met someone you probably won’t run into again, you can continue to get to know them better through texting or social media, but for the most part, you need to act on the lead before it goes cold. In these cases, you may have enjoyed initially talking to them, but be unsure how compatible you’d be if you spent a longer amount of time together. Again, there’s no right answer about what to do. You could take a risk and ask them to do something, knowing the chemistry may not be there. Or you could extend an invitation only when you’re fairly certain you’ll have a good time. Steps to arranging your own plan There are only two steps to setting up a plan, though there are details to explain about each: 1) coming up with something to do, and 2) making the invitation. Trying to set up one-on-one vs. group plans For the most part, the process of setting up plans with people is the same whether you’re inviting one person or a larger group. The main difference is that group plans usually take more work to coordinate because you have to find something that works for everyone. That will be covered later in the chapter. Deciding whether to have a solid plan in mind or make a vague invitation and work out the details after Either approach can work, though it’s better to come up with a plan yourself and then see if everyone is interested. Friends take the loose, “We should do something this weekend” route all the time and still manage to see each other, but that method has more potential to peter out: You ask, they say, “Yeah, that sounds good…” and then no one takes it further. If you come to people with a solid suggestion, they have something to react to. They’ll do one of a couple of things: accept it, express interest but want to change some of the details, suggest an alternative, or turn it down. Even starting with one or two details is better than nothing. For example, “Want to see a movie next week?” is preferable to, “Want to hang out sometime?” The specific film, location, time, and day are still up in the air, but at least they can decide whether seeing a show seems like a good idea. Step 1: Come up with something to do One early planning roadblock some people hit is they have someone in mind they want to hang out with, but they’re not sure what to invite them to do. It’s also not uncommon for socially inexperienced people to say they don’t even know what people their age typically do when they spend time together. Spending time with other people is always at the heart of hanging out with them Don’t think that spending time with someone is all about coming up with the perfect event to attend. Especially don’t think that there’s no point in being with them if you can’t come up with something spectacular to do. When you choose to hang out with someone, the central reason you’re there is to enjoy their company. Of course, it makes your time together more fun and memorable if you see a band or go on a hike or whatnot, but that’s not strictly necessary. Inviting people to get together is often more about doing variations on a few reliable activities than coming up with something incredibly original each time. If you really like your friend’s company, then you can easily hang around their house several times a week or go to the same rotation of cafes or pubs with the just the occasional more exciting event thrown in to mix things up. Examples of activities friends commonly do together Hang out somewhere, mainly to talk chill at someone’s house grab coffee eat at a restaurant get a drink at a pub hang around downtown sit around at a park Wander around, also to talk go shopping go for a walk keep them company while they run errands See a show see a movie see live music see a live comedy show see a play Play something together play video games (possibly online and not even in the same room together) play cards play a board game play a pen-and-paper RPG play darts or pool go bowling play golf throw a ball or frisbee around Do something sports-related watch a game at home or at a pub play a team sport together do an individual sport side by side (for example, rock climbing, skiing) compete against each other in an individual sport (for example, tennis) train or practice for a sport go to a game Work on something together work on something artsy or crafty, like rehearsing with a band or knitting prepare a meal together work on a repair or building project Get out in nature go for a hike or mountain bike ride go fishing go canoeing go boating Party together go to a bar or dance club go to a house party hang around someone’s place and have drinks Try other one-off activities visit a local attraction like an art gallery, zoo, or aquarium go to a yearly festival or carnival check out a trade show or convention take a day trip out of the city go camping go on vacation together How to narrow down what to ask them to do What you ask someone to do will depend on what you figure they’d be interested in and, when you’re first getting to know them, what you feel comfortable with. It may seem natural to invite a potential friend over to your place to watch a movie the first time you hang out. That may not feel as appropriate with someone else. As a general rule, if you think you’ll be fine making conversation with someone, then invite them to do whatever you think will be fun. If you’re worried the discussion may not flow that well, a more activity-focused outing is better. You won’t be forced to chat with each other the entire time, and the activity will give you something to talk about. If you’re not sure how well you’ll click with them, a group outing is lower stakes. You’re not stuck with them one on one if it turns out you don’t have much chemistry. Also consider how convenient the plan will be for them, as well as their financial situation. For example, if you know they’re broke and don’t have a car, don’t invite them to meet you at a pricey restaurant that they’ll have to take the bus for an hour to get to. Step 2: Make the invitation After you’ve come up with something to do, you have to ask everyone if they’re interested in doing it. Methods of inviting people out Whether someone accepts your invitation will depend on whether they want to spend time with you, whether the proposed activity interests them, and whether they’re available. It doesn’t matter if you asked in person, through a text, or over the phone. Go with whatever method is most convenient for you. However, group invitations are easier to organize through a single email that everyone can chime in on. The tone of the invitation However you invite people out, ask in a non-pressuring tone that suggests, “It’d be fun if you came, but if not, that’s cool.” Examples of inviting a single person to do something There are many ways you can phrase the invitation: specific; open-ended; open ended but somewhat specific; and immediate / spontaneous. Here are examples of each: Specific invitation “What are you up to this Thursday? Do you want to get something to eat after our evening class?” “I’m going to go see (band) when they come to town on the 17th. Tickets aren’t that pricey. Want to come with me?” Open-ended invitation “Do you want to grab a drink some time?” “We should go snowboarding sometime this season.” Open-ended, but a little more specific “Do you feel like getting coffee one day after class?” “Want to go hiking one Saturday fairly soon?” If the person says yes to a more open-ended invitation, work out the details soon after. One mistake is to get a yes and then leave the other person hanging by not following through and arranging the rest of the plan. Immediate / spontaneous At the end of the workday or as class is getting out: “What are you doing right now? Feel like grabbing a coffee?” To a dorm-mate you ran into in the hall: “Hey, I’m heading to the mall to get some stuff for my room if you want to join me.” It can feel a little less nerve-racking to invite someone out spontaneously. You know they may not be free right then, so it doesn’t sting as much if they say no. Examples of inviting a group to hang out The group of people you’re inviting out could know each other well already, and you’re trying to join their clique. Or everyone could be fairly new to each other, and you’re trying to turn them into a new social circle. Inviting a group out is similar to asking a single person to do something. Some people find trying to organize a group event less scary, because if it doesn’t work out, the rejection is more diffused. It feels like the suggestion itself fizzled, rather than one person specifically declining to spend time with you. Everyone wasn’t just turning you down either; they were also saying they didn’t want to spend time with the whole group (you can even phrase invitations as “We’re doing X. Want to come?”). Alternatively, some people find extending an invitation to a group more stressful, because if their suggestion goes nowhere, they feel like a whole bunch of people are passing judgment on them. Specific invitation “Do you guys want to hang out at my place this Friday? We could go out later if we feel like it.” “Does everyone want to go to ’80s Night at (nightclub) this Thursday?” “There’s a fair coming to town this weekend. Who’s up for it? I was thinking Saturday afternoon.” Open-ended invitation “Do you guys want to get together sometime soon?” “We should all hang out outside of work.” Open-ended, but a little more specific “What does everyone think of getting coffee after line dancing lessons one day?” “Maybe we could check out that new Korean restaurant before we all get busy with exams.” Immediate / spontaneous “Anyone feel like coming back to my place now? We could play some video games or watch a movie.” “Do you guys want to go downtown after class gets out?” What’s different with group invitations is what happens after everyone starts considering the plan. When you invite one person out, they either say yes or no. If they say yes, then you only need to figure out the specifics with them. When you invite a group, more work goes into getting the plan fleshed out. Some people may say yes, some might say no. The plan may go through a few different permutations before everyone agrees on it. Inviting one or more people to do something with your existing friends When groups are involved, you can invite a potential new friend to do something with your current group of friends. “My friends and I are going out on Saturday. Want to join us if you’re free?” “My buddies and I get together every Tuesday evening to play poker. You should come out one week.” If you don’t have much of an existing social circle, you can’t do this. However, if you have this option, it’s probably the lowest-stakes way to extend an invitation. You’re not inviting someone from a position of neediness. You’re offering a social opportunity. If they say no, you can still hang out with your other friends. What if you invite someone out and they turn you down? If someone turns you down, you may get confused because you may not know where you stand with them. Most people find it uncomfortable to directly tell someone they’re not keen on hanging out. They also don’t want to make future interactions awkward by directly rejecting you. Instead, they’ll make excuses, “forget” to reply to your written invitation, or vaguely agree that maybe the two of you could do something some time, but never follow up. Of course, these things could also just mean they’re genuinely busy. How many times should you ask someone to hang out before giving up? Three times, maybe four if the invitations are spread out. You can ask a second time fairly soon, and if they say no again, give them some space before trying once or twice more. If you haven’t gotten together after that, they’re either politely brushing you off, or they’ve shown they’re too busy to have new friends. On occasion, someone will genuinely want to be friends with you, but their life is hectic and they have to turn down your invitations for legitimate reasons. However, after three rejected invites with no effort on their part to arrange something, it’s likely they just aren’t interested, and it’s better to put your energy elsewhere. The exception to this guideline is when you’re extending low-effort group activity invitations to someone you’re on good terms with and who comes to your get-togethers, but only occasionally because they have hectic lives. In that case, it’s fine to tell them, “We’re all hanging out at Tina’s this Friday” for several weeks in a row without them attending because you know they will show up every now and then. Try to set up recurring plans Usually once you’ve hung out with a person or group, you have to go through another round of making plans if you want to see them again. That’s hardly a terrible amount of work, but it can make you feel like your social life is uncertain from week to week. You could try to set up a recurring plan, like watching a movie at someone’s place every Wednesday night or going out for dinner once a month. Often everyone is too busy to establish an ongoing arrangement, but it’s great when you can set up these reliable social activities for yourself. These arrangements take work to maintain, so don’t take them for granted. Occasionally people will get distracted with other aspects of their lives, and it can take some effort to get everyone together each time, so be flexible about cancelling or rescheduling as needed. These plans also work better when a larger group is in on them, so that even if only half the members can make it each time, enough people still show up for them to be fun. Ways to hang out with people, aside from setting up a plan yourself This chapter just went into how to set up your own plans, and it’s the most important skill because you have direct control over it, but you can find other ways to hang out with people without doing much work yourself: Be invited to hang out It’s great when other people ask you to spend time with them, though you should never count on it and always be prepared to take the initiative to make your own plans. But when it comes to hearing about plans made by other people… Do your best to accept every invitation If you’re trying to get your social life off the ground and someone invites you to do something, do your best to go. Why turn down a chance to get out there? After you have more friends and invitations competing for your time, you can be choosier. If you’re more of an anxious or solitary person, it’s easy to overthink an invitation and come up with reasons why it won’t be fun. Try to work past those worries and go anyway. You can never be sure how enjoyable something will be until you show up and see for yourself. Sometimes you’ll have to inconvenience yourself for the sake of your social life. You may get invited to a movie you’re not particularly excited to see or be asked at the last minute to a party on a cold, rainy Friday night when you were planning to go to bed early. Again, being in a social setting outweighs these minor annoyances. Most people will stop inviting you out if you decline too often. They may have nothing against you, but the next time they’re planning an event, they’ll think, “They’ve never come when I’ve asked before, so no point in letting them know this time.” If you’re interested in an invitation but can’t attend for legitimate reasons, make it clear to the inviter you want to hang out with them and would if you could. The best way to show that is to extend an invitation of your own fairly soon after. Figure out what other people’s plans are and then hop on board Many people consistently have things to do with their friends because they regularly ask around to see what everyone is up to. They don’t try to initiate their own plan every single week. If they want to go out on the weekend, they’ll start pinging their social circle around Thursday and ask what their plans are for Friday night and the weekend. If they hear something they like, they’ll get on board. If no one has solid plans yet, but some people are interested in doing something, the “asking around” conversation provides a starting point for figuring out what they could do together (for example, “We could have a barbecue at the park like Morgan was talking about the other day”). Also, asking around is a good way to take initiative, show you’re interested in spending time with people, and generally stay on a group’s radar. Inviting yourself to social events A tricky aspect of getting on board with other people’s plans is inviting yourself to a get-together when you’re not sure if you’d be welcome. The key thing to know is that on occasion it is okay to invite yourself. Sometimes you won’t get an invitation, but if you ask if you can come along, everyone will be fine with it. In the end, you’ll have to use your judgment about whether you should try for an invite, but here are some broad guidelines: When you ask if you can come, always speak in a casual, non pressuring way (for example, “You’re going to a party tomorrow? Seems fun. Is that something I could show up to? No worries if you guys are trying to keep it small”). Generally, don’t invite yourself to events like dinner parties or cottage weekends where the host is putting in a lot of work and has limited space or resources. An extra person may inconvenience them. “The more, the merrier” drop-in-type plans like parties or pub nights are safer bets. Some get-togethers also have an unspoken open invitation, like a group of coworkers who go for drinks after work every Thursday. Consider the other people who are going. Are they are a loose, cheerful group of friends who are open to hanging out with anyone? Are they a pair of closed-off couples who want to spend quality time together? If you know who the organizer is, consider their personality. Are they a stickler for rules and etiquette, and protective of their social circle, or are they easygoing and eager to have new people around? There’s always a risk of coming off as rude, presumptuous, or needy when you try to invite yourself to an event. However, sometimes the risk is worth it. If you really, really want to attend a get-together, you may not mind if you’re not entirely slick about how you get there. Hear about someone else’s plan, and then help build on it This is similar to setting up a plan yourself, but some of the steps have already been taken care of for you. For example, someone in your gardening club suggests you all see a movie next weekend, and everyone expresses interest in the moment, but no one follows up. If you pick it up from there, it should be relatively easy to finish putting together the outing. Mentalities to keep in mind about making plans Now you know the basics of how to arrange to hang out with people. Here’s yet another list of mentalities that will make the process go more smoothly for you. Accept that making plans can take work at times It’s fairly easy and satisfying to get a text or call out of the blue asking if you want to go to dinner with six friends on a particular date at a particular time at a particular location. It’s a lot harder to set up that get-together yourself. Making your own plans can be hard because you have to: Deal with any fear of rejection about inviting people out. Figure out what to do. Research the plan (for example, looking up restaurant menus or movie times, calling around to see what bars are showing a match on TV, staying on top of what attractions are coming to town). Ask everyone to attend. Adjust the plan so it works for everybody. This is often the lengthiest step. Sometimes no agreement is reached, and you have to try again later. Spend time persuading people to attend or not bail at the last second (“Ah, come on, you’ve studied for the exam all day. It’s fine to come out and blow off some steam for a few hours”). Set up things necessary for the plan to happen (for example, making reservations, buying food and drinks for a party, booking a camping site). If coordinating plans seems like a big hassle, realize it also feels that way for everyone else. Other people shouldn’t always have to step up and organize things for you. Do some of the lifting yourself when you need to. After people have accepted your plan, be open to it changing If you’re arranging something with a bigger group and everyone’s agreed to your plan, but they are still working out the details with each other, it’s not yours any more. Don’t get too hung up on it going in one particular direction. Be flexible and be prepared for the date, location, time, or even every last detail to change, possibly multiple times. Also, expect aspects of it to change up until the very last minute (they may even change on the cab ride there). Obviously there are times when you have to be more rigid than others, like if your favorite band is coming to town for one date this year. But if you just want to get together with some friends, what does it matter if you do it on Friday instead of Saturday? Or head out at seven instead of six? Also keep in mind that until you’re actually there with everyone, the plan could fall through at any time. It may never get off the ground because everyone’s schedules conflict. Or it could be canceled at the last minute because two of the four people attending can’t make it after all. These things come with the territory, and it does no good to be too tightly wound about them. Be tolerant of some mild flakiness It’s annoying, but people can be flaky. They won’t respond to your texts or email invites. They’ll agree to come to your party and then bail at the last minute. They’ll show up late. You’ll drive yourself nuts, seem insecure, and run out of friends if you get overly annoyed every time these types of things happen. If a friend is consistently unreliable or they do something more serious like stand you up on a one-on-one outing, then you should say something or stop inviting them out. However, if you’re planning a bigger get-together, it’s usually a given that not everyone who says they’ll show up will actually be there. Make the best of it with the people who do attend. For larger activities, don’t get too hung up on certain people attending Once a certain number of people are involved, getting the event off the ground takes precedence over every last person being able to make it or guaranteeing certain people show up (unless it’s for something like their own birthday party, of course). People have stuff going on in their lives, and it’s not realistic to think every last person will be free on a certain date. If you try to set up the plan so everyone can show up, it will probably keep getting put off for a perfect time until it’s eventually forgotten about.


Even if you get to know them quite well in that environment, if you don’t take the relationship to the outside world, it may vanish when the semester is over, they get a new job, or the season ends. This chapter covers how to make plans with people so you can hang out with them and develop your relationship. 

It explains how to set up your own get togethers—with individuals and groups—as well as how to get in on other people’s activities. It also touches on some important habits and mentalities to keep in mind when it comes to making plans. 

The ideas in this post chapter are important for getting a new social life off the ground, but they are also really useful for maintaining or growing an existing one. When you’re good at making plans, you can really take charge and create the kind of social life you want for yourself, instead of having to go along with whatever everyone else decides. 

Being able to coordinate plans is so powerful that even people who don’t have particularly outstanding personalities can have busy social lives, just because they’re constantly arranging one outing or another. Meanwhile, someone who is more fun or interesting, but lazy about setting up get-togethers, may not go out as much as they’d like.

Two useful habits 

To up your odds that you’ll be able to successfully make plans with people, get in the habit of doing two things. 

Ask for people’s contact information fairly soon after you’ve met them 

You may meet someone interesting, but you often can’t be sure you’re going to see them again anytime soon. Ask for their phone number or email address, or see if they’re on whatever social networking site people in your area and age group use. That way they’ll be easy to reach if you want to try to get together. Also, if they have your info, they can get in touch with you if they want to chat or invite you somewhere. 

Stay in the loop technology-wise 

Events are often announced and planned through social networking sites, and sometimes only through them, so join whichever ones your peers are a part of. You don’t necessarily have to enjoy or use them that much, but at least sign up for the social opportunities they facilitate. 

Knowing how quickly you can extend an invitation 

How long should you know someone for before inviting them out? There’s no right answer. If you’ve quickly hit it off, it’s fine to invite someone out right away. 

It’s also okay to have an initial good feeling about them, but want to get to know them a little bit more before inviting them somewhere. You won’t always have the option of taking it slow, though. If you’ve met someone you probably won’t run into again, you can continue to get to know them better through texting or social media, but for the most part, you need to act on the lead before it goes cold. 

In these cases, you may have enjoyed initially talking to them, but be unsure how compatible you’d be if you spent a longer amount of time together. Again, there’s no right answer about what to do. 

You could take a risk and ask them to do something, knowing the chemistry may not be there. Or you could extend an invitation only when you’re fairly certain you’ll have a good time.

Steps to arranging your own plan 

There are only two steps to setting up a plan, though there are details to explain about each: 1) coming up with something to do, and 2) making the invitation. 

Trying to set up one-on-one vs. group plans 

For the most part, the process of setting up plans with people is the same whether you’re inviting one person or a larger group. The main difference is that group plans usually take more work to coordinate because you have to find something that works for everyone. That will be covered later in the chapter. 

Deciding whether to have a solid plan in mind or make a vague invitation and work out the details after 

Either approach can work, though it’s better to come up with a plan yourself and then see if everyone is interested. Friends take the loose, “We should do something this weekend” route all the time and still manage to see each other, but that method has more potential to peter out: You ask, they say, “Yeah, that sounds good…” and then no one takes it further. 

If you come to people with a solid suggestion, they have something to react to. They’ll do one of a couple of things: accept it, express interest but want to change some of the details, suggest an alternative, or turn it down. Even starting with one or two details is better than nothing. For example, “Want to see a movie next week?” is preferable to, “Want to hang out sometime?” The specific film, location, time, and day are still up in the air, but at least they can decide whether seeing a show seems like a good idea. 

Step 1: Come up with something to do

One early planning roadblock some people hit is they have someone in mind they want to hang out with, but they’re not sure what to invite them to do. It’s also not uncommon for socially inexperienced people to say they don’t even know what people their age typically do when they spend time together. 

Spending time with other people is always at the heart of hanging out with them 

Don’t think that spending time with someone is all about coming up with the perfect event to attend. Especially don’t think that there’s no point in being with them if you can’t come up with something spectacular to do. When you choose to hang out with someone, the central reason you’re there is to enjoy their company. 

Of course, it makes your time together more fun and memorable if you see a band or go on a hike or whatnot, but that’s not strictly necessary. Inviting people to get together is often more about doing variations on a few reliable activities than coming up with something incredibly original each time. If you really like your friend’s company, then you can easily hang around their house several times a week or go to the same rotation of cafes or pubs with the just the occasional more exciting event thrown in to mix things up.

Examples of activities friends commonly do together 

Hang out somewhere, mainly to talk 
  • chill at someone’s house 
  • grab coffee 
  • eat at a restaurant 
  • get a drink at a pub 
  • hang around downtown 
  • sit around at a park
Wander around, also to talk 
  • go shopping 
  • go for a walk 
  • keep them company while they run errands 
See a show 
  • see a movie 
  • see live music 
  • see a live comedy show 
  • see a play 
Play something together 
  • play video games (possibly online and not even in the same room together) 
  • play cards 
  • play a board game 
  • play a pen-and-paper RPG 
  • play darts or pool 
  • go bowling 
  • play golf 
  • throw a ball or frisbee around 
Do something sports-related 
  • watch a game at home or at a pub 
  • play a team sport together 
  • do an individual sport side by side (for example, rock climbing, skiing) 
  • compete against each other in an individual sport (for example, tennis) 
  • train or practice for a sport
  • go to a game
Work on something together 
  • work on something artsy or crafty, like rehearsing with a band or knitting 
  • prepare a meal together 
  • work on a repair or building project 
Get out in nature 
  • go for a hike or mountain bike ride 
  • go fishing 
  • go canoeing 
  • go boating 
Party together 
  • go to a bar or dance club 
  • go to a house party 
  • hang around someone’s place and have drinks 
Try other one-off activities 
  • visit a local attraction like an art gallery, zoo, or aquarium 
  • go to a yearly festival or carnival 
  • check out a trade show or convention 
  • take a day trip out of the city 
  • go camping 
  • go on vacation together

How to narrow down what to ask them to do 

What you ask someone to do will depend on what you figure they’d be interested in and, when you’re first getting to know them, what you feel comfortable with. It may seem natural to invite a potential friend over to your place to watch a movie the first time you hang out. 

That may not feel as appropriate with someone else. As a general rule, if you think you’ll be fine making conversation with someone, then invite them to do whatever you think will be fun. 

If you’re worried the discussion may not flow that well, a more activity-focused outing is better. You won’t be forced to chat with each other the entire time, and the activity will give you something to talk about. If you’re not sure how well you’ll click with them, a group outing is lower stakes. 

You’re not stuck with them one on one if it turns out you don’t have much chemistry. Also consider how convenient the plan will be for them, as well as their financial situation. For example, if you know they’re broke and don’t have a car, don’t invite them to meet you at a pricey restaurant that they’ll have to take the bus for an hour to get to. 

Step 2: Make the invitation 

After you’ve come up with something to do, you have to ask everyone if they’re interested in doing it. 

Methods of inviting people out 

Whether someone accepts your invitation will depend on whether they want to spend time with you, whether the proposed activity interests them, and whether they’re available. It doesn’t matter if you asked in person, through a text, or over the phone. Go with whatever method is most convenient for you. However, group invitations are easier to organize through a single email that everyone can chime in on. 

The tone of the invitation

However you invite people out, ask in a non-pressuring tone that suggests, “It’d be fun if you came, but if not, that’s cool.” 

Examples of inviting a single person to do something 

There are many ways you can phrase the invitation: specific; open-ended; open ended but somewhat specific; and immediate / spontaneous. Here are examples of each: 

Specific invitation 

  • “What are you up to this Thursday? Do you want to get something to eat after our evening class?” 
  • “I’m going to go see (band) when they come to town on the 17th. Tickets aren’t that pricey. Want to come with me?” 

Open-ended invitation 

  • “Do you want to grab a drink some time?” 
  • “We should go snowboarding sometime this season.” 

Open-ended, but a little more specific 

  • “Do you feel like getting coffee one day after class?” 
  • “Want to go hiking one Saturday fairly soon?” 
If the person says yes to a more open-ended invitation, work out the details soon after. One mistake is to get a yes and then leave the other person hanging by not following through and arranging the rest of the plan. 

Immediate / spontaneous 

  • At the end of the workday or as class is getting out: “What are you doing right now? Feel like grabbing a coffee?”
  • To a dorm-mate you ran into in the hall: “Hey, I’m heading to the mall to get some stuff for my room if you want to join me.” It can feel a little less nerve-racking to invite someone out spontaneously. You know they may not be free right then, so it doesn’t sting as much if they say no. 

Examples of inviting a group to hang out 

The group of people you’re inviting out could know each other well already, and you’re trying to join their clique. Or everyone could be fairly new to each other, and you’re trying to turn them into a new social circle. 

Inviting a group out is similar to asking a single person to do something. Some people find trying to organize a group event less scary, because if it doesn’t work out, the rejection is more diffused. 

It feels like the suggestion itself fizzled, rather than one person specifically declining to spend time with you. Everyone wasn’t just turning you down either; they were also saying they didn’t want to spend time with the whole group (you can even phrase invitations as “We’re doing X. Want to come?”). Alternatively, some people find extending an invitation to a group more stressful, because if their suggestion goes nowhere, they feel like a whole bunch of people are passing judgment on them. 

Specific invitation 

  • “Do you guys want to hang out at my place this Friday? We could go out later if we feel like it.” 
  • “Does everyone want to go to ’80s Night at (nightclub) this Thursday?” 
  • “There’s a fair coming to town this weekend. Who’s up for it? I was thinking Saturday afternoon.” 

Open-ended invitation 

  • “Do you guys want to get together sometime soon?” 
  • “We should all hang out outside of work.”

Open-ended, but a little more specific 

  • “What does everyone think of getting coffee after line dancing lessons one day?” 
  • “Maybe we could check out that new Korean restaurant before we all get busy with exams.” 

Immediate / spontaneous 

  • “Anyone feel like coming back to my place now? We could play some video games or watch a movie.” 
  • “Do you guys want to go downtown after class gets out?” 
What’s different with group invitations is what happens after everyone starts considering the plan. When you invite one person out, they either say yes or no. If they say yes, then you only need to figure out the specifics with them. When you invite a group, more work goes into getting the plan fleshed out. Some people may say yes, some might say no. The plan may go through a few different permutations before everyone agrees on it. 

Inviting one or more people to do something with your existing friends 

When groups are involved, you can invite a potential new friend to do something with your current group of friends. 
  • “My friends and I are going out on Saturday. Want to join us if you’re free?” 
  • “My buddies and I get together every Tuesday evening to play poker. You should come out one week.” 
If you don’t have much of an existing social circle, you can’t do this. However, if you have this option, it’s probably the lowest-stakes way to extend an invitation. You’re not inviting someone from a position of neediness. You’re offering a social opportunity. If they say no, you can still hang out with your other friends. 

What if you invite someone out and they turn you down? 

If someone turns you down, you may get confused because you may not know where you stand with them. Most people find it uncomfortable to directly tell someone they’re not keen on hanging out. They also don’t want to make future interactions awkward by directly rejecting you. Instead, they’ll make excuses, “forget” to reply to your written invitation, or vaguely agree that maybe the two of you could do something some time, but never follow up. Of course, these things could also just mean they’re genuinely busy. 

How many times should you ask someone to hang out before giving up? 

Three times, maybe four if the invitations are spread out. You can ask a second time fairly soon, and if they say no again, give them some space before trying once or twice more. If you haven’t gotten together after that, they’re either politely brushing you off, or they’ve shown they’re too busy to have new friends. On occasion, someone will genuinely want to be friends with you, but their life is hectic and they have to turn down your invitations for legitimate reasons. However, after three rejected invites with no effort on their part to arrange something, it’s likely they just aren’t interested, and it’s better to put your energy elsewhere. The exception to this guideline is when you’re extending low-effort group activity invitations to someone you’re on good terms with and who comes to your get-togethers, but only occasionally because they have hectic lives. In that case, it’s fine to tell them, “We’re all hanging out at Tina’s this Friday” for several weeks in a row without them attending because you know they will show up every now and then. 

Try to set up recurring plans

Usually once you’ve hung out with a person or group, you have to go through another round of making plans if you want to see them again. That’s hardly a terrible amount of work, but it can make you feel like your social life is uncertain from week to week. You could try to set up a recurring plan, like watching a movie at someone’s place every Wednesday night or going out for dinner once a month. Often everyone is too busy to establish an ongoing arrangement, but it’s great when you can set up these reliable social activities for yourself. These arrangements take work to maintain, so don’t take them for granted. Occasionally people will get distracted with other aspects of their lives, and it can take some effort to get everyone together each time, so be flexible about cancelling or rescheduling as needed. These plans also work better when a larger group is in on them, so that even if only half the members can make it each time, enough people still show up for them to be fun. 

Ways to hang out with people, aside from setting up a plan yourself 

This chapter just went into how to set up your own plans, and it’s the most important skill because you have direct control over it, but you can find other ways to hang out with people without doing much work yourself: 

Be invited to hang out 

It’s great when other people ask you to spend time with them, though you should never count on it and always be prepared to take the initiative to make your own plans. But when it comes to hearing about plans made by other people… 

Do your best to accept every invitation 

If you’re trying to get your social life off the ground and someone invites you to do something, do your best to go. Why turn down a chance to get out there? After you have more friends and invitations competing for your time, you can be choosier. If you’re more of an anxious or solitary person, it’s easy to overthink

an invitation and come up with reasons why it won’t be fun. Try to work past those worries and go anyway. You can never be sure how enjoyable something will be until you show up and see for yourself. Sometimes you’ll have to inconvenience yourself for the sake of your social life. 

You may get invited to a movie you’re not particularly excited to see or be asked at the last minute to a party on a cold, rainy Friday night when you were planning to go to bed early. Again, being in a social setting outweighs these minor annoyances. Most people will stop inviting you out if you decline too often. 

They may have nothing against you, but the next time they’re planning an event, they’ll think, “They’ve never come when I’ve asked before, so no point in letting them know this time.” If you’re interested in an invitation but can’t attend for legitimate reasons, make it clear to the inviter you want to hang out with them and would if you could. The best way to show that is to extend an invitation of your own fairly soon after. 

Figure out what other people’s plans are and then hop on board 

Many people consistently have things to do with their friends because they regularly ask around to see what everyone is up to. They don’t try to initiate their own plan every single week. If they want to go out on the weekend, they’ll start pinging their social circle around Thursday and ask what their plans are for Friday night and the weekend. If they hear something they like, they’ll get on board. If no one has solid plans yet, but some people are interested in doing something, the “asking around” conversation provides a starting point for figuring out what they could do together (for example, “We could have a barbecue at the park like Morgan was talking about the other day”). Also, asking around is a good way to take initiative, show you’re interested in spending time with people, and generally stay on a group’s radar.

Inviting yourself to social events 

A tricky aspect of getting on board with other people’s plans is inviting yourself to a get-together when you’re not sure if you’d be welcome. The key thing to know is that on occasion it is okay to invite yourself. Sometimes you won’t get an invitation, but if you ask if you can come along, everyone will be fine with it. In the end, you’ll have to use your judgment about whether you should try for an invite, but here are some broad guidelines: 
  • When you ask if you can come, always speak in a casual, non pressuring way (for example, “You’re going to a party tomorrow? Seems fun. Is that something I could show up to? No worries if you guys are trying to keep it small”). 
  • Generally, don’t invite yourself to events like dinner parties or cottage weekends where the host is putting in a lot of work and has limited space or resources. An extra person may inconvenience them. 
  • “The more, the merrier” drop-in-type plans like parties or pub nights are safer bets. Some get-togethers also have an unspoken open invitation, like a group of coworkers who go for drinks after work every Thursday. 
  • Consider the other people who are going. Are they are a loose, cheerful group of friends who are open to hanging out with anyone? Are they a pair of closed-off couples who want to spend quality time together? 
  • If you know who the organizer is, consider their personality. Are they a stickler for rules and etiquette, and protective of their social circle, or are they easygoing and eager to have new people around? 
There’s always a risk of coming off as rude, presumptuous, or needy when you try to invite yourself to an event. However, sometimes the risk is worth it. If you really, really want to attend a get-together, you may not mind if you’re not entirely slick about how you get there.

Hear about someone else’s plan, and then help build on it 

This is similar to setting up a plan yourself, but some of the steps have already been taken care of for you. For example, someone in your gardening club suggests you all see a movie next weekend, and everyone expresses interest in the moment, but no one follows up. If you pick it up from there, it should be relatively easy to finish putting together the outing. 

Mentalities to keep in mind about making plans 

Now you know the basics of how to arrange to hang out with people. Here’s yet another list of mentalities that will make the process go more smoothly for you. 

Accept that making plans can take work at times 

It’s fairly easy and satisfying to get a text or call out of the blue asking if you want to go to dinner with six friends on a particular date at a particular time at a particular location. It’s a lot harder to set up that get-together yourself. Making your own plans can be hard because you have to: 
  • Deal with any fear of rejection about inviting people out. 
  • Figure out what to do. 
  • Research the plan (for example, looking up restaurant menus or movie times, calling around to see what bars are showing a match on TV, staying on top of what attractions are coming to town). 
  • Ask everyone to attend. 
  • Adjust the plan so it works for everybody. This is often the lengthiest step. Sometimes no agreement is reached, and you have to try again later. 
  • Spend time persuading people to attend or not bail at the last second (“Ah, come on, you’ve studied for the exam all day. It’s fine to come out and blow off some steam for a few hours”). 
  • Set up things necessary for the plan to happen (for example, making reservations, buying food and drinks for a party, booking a camping site). 
If coordinating plans seems like a big hassle, realize it also feels that way for everyone else. Other people shouldn’t always have to step up and organize things for you. Do some of the lifting yourself when you need to. 

After people have accepted your plan, be open to it changing 

If you’re arranging something with a bigger group and everyone’s agreed to your plan, but they are still working out the details with each other, it’s not yours any more. Don’t get too hung up on it going in one particular direction. Be flexible and be prepared for the date, location, time, or even every last detail to change, possibly multiple times. Also, expect aspects of it to change up until the very last minute (they may even change on the cab ride there). Obviously there are times when you have to be more rigid than others, like if your favorite band is coming to town for one date this year. But if you just want to get together with some friends, what does it matter if you do it on Friday instead of Saturday? 

Or head out at seven instead of six? Also keep in mind that until you’re actually there with everyone, the plan could fall through at any time. It may never get off the ground because everyone’s schedules conflict. Or it could be canceled at the last minute because two of the four people attending can’t make it after all. These things come with the territory, and it does no good to be too tightly wound about them. 

Be tolerant of some mild flakiness 

It’s annoying, but people can be flaky. They won’t respond to your texts or email invites. They’ll agree to come to your party and then bail at the last minute. They’ll show up late. You’ll drive yourself nuts, seem insecure, and run out of friends if you get overly annoyed every time these types of things happen. 

If a friend is consistently unreliable or they do something more serious like stand you up on a one-on-one outing, then you should say something or stop inviting them out. However, if you’re planning a bigger get-together, it’s usually a given that not everyone who says they’ll show up will actually be there. Make the best of it with the people who do attend. 

For larger activities, don’t get too hung up on certain people attending 

Once a certain number of people are involved, getting the event off the ground takes precedence over every last person being able to make it or guaranteeing certain people show up (unless it’s for something like their own birthday party, of course). People have stuff going on in their lives, and it’s not realistic to think every last person will be free on a certain date. If you try to set up the plan so everyone can show up, it will probably keep getting put off for a perfect time until it’s eventually forgotten about.
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