How to Shifting your Mindset about Your Social Discomfort?

Shifting your Mindset about Your Social Discomfort

Shifting your Mindset about Your Social Discomfort Before you can start working on any shyness, anxiety, or lack of confidence, you need to develop the right mind-set for dealing with these problems. People often believe two big myths that give their social discomfort too much power and hinder their ability to deal with it: “There must be a way to totally eradicate my shyness, social anxiety, and insecurities (and therefore I’ll put improving my social life on hold until I do that).” “I can’t show any signs of social discomfort to people. It’s shameful and will ruin the interaction.” You’ll have to do some work, but you can limit the impact of these counterproductive mind-sets. This chapter presents some useful attitudes to adopt regarding social situations. If you keep these points in mind, you’ll be on your way to feeling more comfortable around people and handling any uneasiness that pops up along the way. Know and accept that you’ll never banish all social discomfort from your life Although the strategies in the following chapters will help you turn down the dial on your social discomfort, you’ll never banish those issues completely. Humans just aren’t wired to be blissfully happy and self-assured 100 percent of the time. Even if you learn and apply every coping strategy there is, you need to accept that the following things will still happen: At times you’ll have worried, insecure, or counterproductive thoughts, even if you use every technique you know to try to make them go away. Sometimes you’ll feel anxious, regardless of how much you try to control it or logically realize there’s nothing to fret about. Some situations will always make you a little nervous, even if you’ve successfully gone through them plenty of times (for example, most people never get entirely comfortable with public speaking or trying to start a conversation with someone they’re attracted to). There will be instances where you’ll make a mistake, get rejected, or look bad in a social situation, even if you do everything you can to prevent it. You’ll feel down on yourself at times, no matter how much you try to psych yourself up or remind yourself of your strengths. Even if you seem to have your shyness and insecurities under control, you may go through a stressful period in your life that makes them flare up again. You’ll never be able to predict the future or have full certainty an upcoming social event will go well. You may have been born with a tendency to be more anxious and insecure than average, and it’s something you’ll have to learn to work around. Accepting that you may sometimes get uncomfortable in social situations takes away some of the control your shyness and insecurities have over you. For example, if you think awkward silences are terrible, you’ll avoid countless conversations in an attempt to only chat to someone under the perfect, safe set of conditions. If you make peace with the fact that lulls happen sometimes, no matter how prepared you are, you’ll be willing to talk to more people. Even when you really don’t want a certain outcome, you’ll often feel a kind of relief when you know for sure it’s going to happen. At least the uncertainty and “what if?” worrying are gone, and you can focus on how you’re going to handle it. If you knew with 100 percent certainty you were going to stumble over your words whenever you met someone new, it would be inconvenient, but you could shift your energy toward coming up with strategies to deal with that fact. Aim to become socially functional, rather than 100 percent assured at all times After you accept that you’re still going to encounter some social unease from time to time, your aim should be to become socially functional, where even if you’re nervous or self-doubting, you can still meet your goals. Don’t put your social life on hold until you wipe all shyness from your mind, because that will never happen. A key part of being functional is to realize you can be shy, nervous, or insecure during a social event and still function and ultimately enjoy yourself. Socializing while experiencing a case of the jitters When people struggle with social anxiety, they sometimes look at their discomfort in either–or terms when they’re deciding whether to attend a gettogether. They think if they’re not completely confident and relaxed, then they have to skip it. If nerves strike when they’re with people, they think the whole outing is ruined. You can get through most social situations with some self-doubt or jitters. If your nerves or insecurities are mild, they may not interfere with your outward performance at all. Even if they trip you up a little, they won’t fully ruin the interaction. Only the most extreme, sustained anxiety will do that. A conversation can easily be a success, even if you trembled or had trouble putting your thoughts together at the beginning of it. When looking back at an outing, how nervous or unsure you were at the time becomes even less important. If you get nervous in crowds but go to see your favorite band anyway, five years from now you’ll be happy you went and cherish the good memories you have; you’ll hardly regret the experience because you felt on edge at the start of the show. Acknowledging that nervousness comes with valued goals Figure out what is truly important to you in life and commit to going after it, regardless of your fears or insecurities. This will put your discomfort in perspective and help you set your priorities. If you’re pursuing something you truly care about, then any nervousness that comes up along the way will be worth it. For example, you might decide it’s important to increase your social circle and try new things. If you get an invitation to go rock climbing with some coworkers, but the thought of it makes you anxious, it’ll be easier to get yourself to go because you know it aligns with what you want. Accept that it’s okay to show signs of your issues Shyness and anxiety can have such a powerful hold on you because you’re afraid of experiencing their symptoms in front of people. You can take a lot of that influence away if you say to yourself, “You know what? If I look scared in front of people, then so be it. If I turn red while talking to someone, it’s not the worst thing ever, if I seem comfortable with myself otherwise.” If you can start to care less about the consequences of your self-doubts or anxiety, you’ll be less likely to feel insecure or anxious in the first place. Caring less about your social faux pas is easier said than done. The secret is to make acting against your worries a higher priority than trying to make every interaction go perfectly. You can achieve this by employing two mentalities, either of which may motivate you depending on your personality: Be pleasant and understanding toward your fears and insecurities. You see your anxiety as just trying to help, but it’s going too far. If you’re nervous about meeting your new friends for drinks, tell yourself, “Anxiety, thanks for your concern, but getting to know new people is a priority for me, so I’m not going to cancel and stay home.” Be more angry and defiant. You’re tired of letting your shyness and worries push you around, and you won’t let them run your life any longer. You may be heading to a meet-up and think, “If I get nervous, I get nervous. At least I showed up and didn’t let my anxiety rule my life.” On the walk home, you may think, “I was a little inhibited and queasy at the start of the night, but I hung in there. My anxiety wanted me to leave, but I beat it.” Mention when you’re shy, nervous, or insecure Part of accepting your shyness or anxiety can include a willingness to tell people you’re feeling shy or anxious at that moment, or have a problem with those issues in general. Being able to talk about your problems takes away the belief that you can’t let anyone find out what you’re going through. Occasionally someone will respond insensitively, but most people know what it’s like to feel nervous and will be understanding. If you tell someone, don’t phrase it as a shameful confession or go into the entire backstory of your struggles. Just casually let them know you’re a bit nervous and then move on with the conversation. If you set a tone that your nerves aren’t that big a deal, everyone else will follow your cues. Know it’s normal to be shy, insecure, or socially anxious at times It’s certainly not fun or helpful to feel shy or nervous, but it’s not a sign you’re weak or mentally defective. These problems are very common. Just because they may be giving you more trouble than average doesn’t change that they’re normal human emotions. Go easy on yourself and give yourself permission to feel that way. Knowing whether working on your social skills directly will decrease your shyness Many people who are shy or socially anxious have perfectly good social skills. Their fears and insecurities just get in the way of them using those skills, unless they’re around people they’re comfortable with. Other people have underdeveloped interpersonal skills in addition to their shyness and anxiety, and the two problems feed into and amplify each other. If your social skills are creaky, you may start to feel more socially confident once you develop them more, or even just learn some strategies on paper and feel more prepared. The book’s other two sections on conversation and making friends have plenty of advice on handling social situations. One warning though: If you attempt to practice your social skills but haven’t taken steps to address the counterproductive thinking at the core of your shyness and anxiety, you may end up worse off. You’ll put yourself in social situations but still see them as dangerous and high-stakes, and if something goes wrong, you may come to inaccurate, disheartening conclusions about yourself and your hopes of improving. You don’t have to get your thinking to a flawless place before you start practicing your people skills, but your thoughts should be at a level where they won’t completely sabotage you either. What if you can’t reduce your shyness or anxiety by yourself? If you have mild to moderate shyness or social anxiety, you should be able to apply the suggestions in the next four chapters using a self-help approach. Sometimes your anxiety will be more severe and too much to handle on your own. If that’s the case, consider seeing a therapist or joining an anxiety support group. You’ll still go through the same kinds of treatment approaches the following chapters cover, but a professional or others with similar issues can support you through the rough patches and customize everything to your needs. Also, go to a doctor to rule out whether your anxiety has a physical cause, like an issue with your thyroid gland. Medication may also be an option to look into. Speak to a physician or a psychiatrist about that possibility and to get the most up-to-date information about your options. Medication dampens the physical symptoms of anxiety, but doesn’t affect its underlying psychological causes. It needs to be used in conjunction with psychological treatment approaches that address those issues. Medication can reduce your symptoms enough that you can implement a treatment plan you’d otherwise be too nervous to progress through. Although many people take medication on a short-term basis, a smaller number feel it improves their quality of life enough to justify staying on it longterm. They realize that they were born with an overly high anxiety level, and medication brings it down to a level where they can function better. Some people are justifiably wary about taking any kind of drug, and it’s not a decision to be made lightly. Medication can cause side effects, and it can take people some time and experimentation before they find a drug and dosage that works for them. In more severe cases, it can make the difference though, so at least give it some thought if a professional makes that recommendation.

Before you can start working on any shyness, anxiety, or lack of confidence, you need to develop the right mind-set for dealing with these problems. People often believe two big myths that give their social discomfort too much power and hinder their ability to deal with it:
  1. “There must be a way to totally eradicate my shyness, social anxiety, and insecurities (and therefore I’ll put improving my social life on hold until I do that).”
  2. “I can’t show any signs of social discomfort to people. It’s shameful and will ruin the interaction.”
You’ll have to do some work, but you can limit the impact of these counterproductive mind-sets. This chapter presents some useful attitudes to adopt regarding social situations. If you keep these points in mind, you’ll be on your way to feeling more comfortable around people and handling any uneasiness that pops up along the way.

Know and accept that you’ll never banish all social discomfort from your life

Although the strategies in the following chapters will help you turn down the dial on your social discomfort, you’ll never banish those issues completely. Humans just aren’t wired to be blissfully happy and self-assured 100 percent of the time. Even if you learn and apply every coping strategy there is, you need to accept that the following things will still happen:
  • At times you’ll have worried, insecure, or counterproductive thoughts, even if you use every technique you know to try to make them go away. 
  • Sometimes you’ll feel anxious, regardless of how much you try to control it or logically realize there’s nothing to fret about. 
  • Some situations will always make you a little nervous, even if you’ve successfully gone through them plenty of times (for example, most people never get entirely comfortable with public speaking or trying to start a conversation with someone they’re attracted to). 
  • There will be instances where you’ll make a mistake, get rejected, or look bad in a social situation, even if you do everything you can to prevent it. 
  • You’ll feel down on yourself at times, no matter how much you try to psych yourself up or remind yourself of your strengths. 
  • Even if you seem to have your shyness and insecurities under control, you may go through a stressful period in your life that makes them flare up again. 
  • You’ll never be able to predict the future or have full certainty an upcoming social event will go well. 
  • You may have been born with a tendency to be more anxious and insecure than average, and it’s something you’ll have to learn to work around.
Accepting that you may sometimes get uncomfortable in social situations takes away some of the control your shyness and insecurities have over you. For example, if you think awkward silences are terrible, you’ll avoid countless conversations in an attempt to only chat to someone under the perfect, safe set of conditions. 

If you make peace with the fact that lulls happen sometimes, no matter how prepared you are, you’ll be willing to talk to more people.

Even when you really don’t want a certain outcome, you’ll often feel a kind of relief when you know for sure it’s going to happen. At least the uncertainty and “what if?” worrying are gone, and you can focus on how you’re going to handle it. 

If you knew with 100 percent certainty you were going to stumble over your words whenever you met someone new, it would be inconvenient, but you could shift your energy toward coming up with strategies to deal with that fact.

Aim to become socially functional, rather than 100 percent assured at all times

After you accept that you’re still going to encounter some social unease from time to time, your aim should be to become socially functional, where even if you’re nervous or self-doubting, you can still meet your goals. Don’t put your social life on hold until you wipe all shyness from your mind, because that will never happen. 

A key part of being functional is to realize you can be shy, nervous, or insecure during a social event and still function and ultimately enjoy yourself.

Socializing while experiencing a case of the jitters

When people struggle with social anxiety, they sometimes look at their discomfort in either–or terms when they’re deciding whether to attend a gettogether. They think if they’re not completely confident and relaxed, then they have to skip it. If nerves strike when they’re with people, they think the whole outing is ruined. 

You can get through most social situations with some self-doubt or jitters. If your nerves or insecurities are mild, they may not interfere with your outward performance at all. Even if they trip you up a little, they won’t fully ruin the interaction. 

Only the most extreme, sustained anxiety will do that. A conversation can easily be a success, even if you trembled or had trouble putting your thoughts together at the beginning of it. 

When looking back at an outing, how nervous or unsure you were at the time becomes even less important. If you get nervous in crowds but go to see your favorite band anyway, five years from now you’ll be happy you went and cherish the good memories you have; you’ll hardly regret the experience because you felt on edge at the start of the show.

Acknowledging that nervousness comes with valued goals

Figure out what is truly important to you in life and commit to going after it, regardless of your fears or insecurities. This will put your discomfort in perspective and help you set your priorities. If you’re pursuing something you truly care about, then any nervousness that comes up along the way will be worth it. 

For example, you might decide it’s important to increase your social circle and try new things. If you get an invitation to go rock climbing with some coworkers, but the thought of it makes you anxious, it’ll be easier to get yourself to go because you know it aligns with what you want.

Accept that it’s okay to show signs of your issues

Shyness and anxiety can have such a powerful hold on you because you’re afraid of experiencing their symptoms in front of people. You can take a lot of that influence away if you say to yourself, “You know what? If I look scared in front of people, then so be it. If I turn red while talking to someone, it’s not the worst thing ever, if I seem comfortable with myself otherwise.” 

If you can start to care less about the consequences of your self-doubts or anxiety, you’ll be less likely to feel insecure or anxious in the first place. Caring less about your social faux pas is easier said than done. The secret is to make acting against your worries a higher priority than trying to make every interaction go perfectly. You can achieve this by employing two mentalities, either of which may motivate you depending on your personality:
  1. Be pleasant and understanding toward your fears and insecurities. You see your anxiety as just trying to help, but it’s going too far. If you’re nervous about meeting your new friends for drinks, tell yourself, “Anxiety, thanks for your concern, but getting to know new people is a priority for me, so I’m not going to cancel and stay home.”
  2. Be more angry and defiant. You’re tired of letting your shyness and worries push you around, and you won’t let them run your life any longer. You may be heading to a meet-up and think, “If I get nervous, I get nervous. At least I showed up and didn’t let my anxiety rule my life.” On the walk home, you may think, “I was a little inhibited and queasy at the start of the night, but I hung in there. My anxiety wanted me to leave, but I beat it.”

Mention when you’re shy, nervous, or insecure

Part of accepting your shyness or anxiety can include a willingness to tell people you’re feeling shy or anxious at that moment, or have a problem with those issues in general. Being able to talk about your problems takes away the belief that you can’t let anyone find out what you’re going through. 

Occasionally someone will respond insensitively, but most people know what it’s like to feel nervous and will be understanding. If you tell someone, don’t phrase it as a shameful confession or go into the entire backstory of your struggles. Just casually let them know you’re a bit nervous and then move on with the conversation. If you set a tone that your nerves aren’t that big a deal, everyone else will follow your cues.

Know it’s normal to be shy, insecure, or socially anxious at times

It’s certainly not fun or helpful to feel shy or nervous, but it’s not a sign you’re weak or mentally defective. These problems are very common. Just because they may be giving you more trouble than average doesn’t change that they’re normal human emotions. Go easy on yourself and give yourself permission to feel that way.

Knowing whether working on your social skills directly will decrease your shyness

Many people who are shy or socially anxious have perfectly good social skills. Their fears and insecurities just get in the way of them using those skills, unless they’re around people they’re comfortable with. Other people have underdeveloped interpersonal skills in addition to their shyness and anxiety, and the two problems feed into and amplify each other. 

If your social skills are creaky, you may start to feel more socially confident once you develop them more, or even just learn some strategies on paper and feel more prepared. The book’s other two sections on conversation and making friends have plenty of advice on handling social situations. 

One warning though: If you attempt to practice your social skills but haven’t taken steps to address the counterproductive thinking at the core of your shyness and anxiety, you may end up worse off. You’ll put yourself in social situations but still see them as dangerous and high-stakes, and if something goes wrong, you may come to inaccurate, disheartening conclusions about yourself and your hopes of improving. You don’t have to get your thinking to a flawless place before you start practicing your people skills, but your thoughts should be at a level where they won’t completely sabotage you either.

What if you can’t reduce your shyness or anxiety by yourself?

If you have mild to moderate shyness or social anxiety, you should be able to apply the suggestions in the next four chapters using a self-help approach. Sometimes your anxiety will be more severe and too much to handle on your own. 

If that’s the case, consider seeing a therapist or joining an anxiety support group. You’ll still go through the same kinds of treatment approaches the following chapters cover, but a professional or others with similar issues can support you through the rough patches and customize everything to your needs. 

Also, go to a doctor to rule out whether your anxiety has a physical cause, like an issue with your thyroid gland. Medication may also be an option to look into. Speak to a physician or a psychiatrist about that possibility and to get the most up-to-date information about your options. 

Medication dampens the physical symptoms of anxiety, but doesn’t affect its underlying psychological causes. It needs to be used in conjunction with psychological treatment approaches that address those issues. 

Medication can reduce your symptoms enough that you can implement a treatment plan you’d otherwise be too nervous to progress through. Although many people take medication on a short-term basis, a smaller number feel it improves their quality of life enough to justify staying on it longterm. 

They realize that they were born with an overly high anxiety level, and medication brings it down to a level where they can function better. Some people are justifiably wary about taking any kind of drug, and it’s not a decision to be made lightly. 

Medication can cause side effects, and it can take people some time and experimentation before they find a drug and dosage that works for them. In more severe cases, it can make the difference though, so at least give it some thought if a professional makes that recommendation.
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