Becoming Aware of Empathy

How to Becoming Aware of Empathy?

Empathy is the first of four core conversation skills this stretch of the trending.plengdut.com post is going to cover. You can technically interact with people without being empathetic, but you’ll be at a big disadvantage. The posting chapter defines the two types of empathy and explains their benefits, then offers some suggestions on how to cultivate it in yourself.

Empathy defined 

Broadly speaking, empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. There are two types: 
  • Emotional empathy is the ability to pick up on other people’s emotions and have an appropriate feeling in response. For example, if your friend gets some upsetting news, you feel sympathetic for them and a bit sad yourself. Sometimes people refer to empathy as this ability to feel what another person is feeling. At other times what they mean by empathy is acting on those feelings and showing concern and support. 
  • Cognitive empathy is the ability to more logically get inside someone’s head and take on their perspective. You don’t necessarily feel what they’re feeling, but you can rationally understand how they see the world (for example, a certain book doesn’t bother you, but you can grasp how it would be offensive to someone with more traditional values). Again, some people see this kind of empathy as simply being able to deduce what’s going through another person’s mind, while others don’t think someone is being empathetic unless they effectively put their conclusions to use.
Of course, there’s overlap between the two because you can often use one to give you information about the other (for example, knowing someone’s worldview and history helps you emotionally empathize with why a certain event makes them so angry).
How to Becoming Aware of Empathy? Empathy is the first of four core conversation skills this stretch of the trending.plengdut.com post is going to cover. You can technically interact with people without being empathetic, but you’ll be at a big disadvantage. The posting chapter defines the two types of empathy and explains their benefits, then offers some suggestions on how to cultivate it in yourself. Empathy defined Broadly speaking, empathy is the ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes. There are two types: Emotional empathy is the ability to pick up on other people’s emotions and have an appropriate feeling in response. For example, if your friend gets some upsetting news, you feel sympathetic for them and a bit sad yourself. Sometimes people refer to empathy as this ability to feel what another person is feeling. At other times what they mean by empathy is acting on those feelings and showing concern and support. Cognitive empathy is the ability to more logically get inside someone’s head and take on their perspective. You don’t necessarily feel what they’re feeling, but you can rationally understand how they see the world (for example, a certain book doesn’t bother you, but you can grasp how it would be offensive to someone with more traditional values). Again, some people see this kind of empathy as simply being able to deduce what’s going through another person’s mind, while others don’t think someone is being empathetic unless they effectively put their conclusions to use. Of course, there’s overlap between the two because you can often use one to give you information about the other (for example, knowing someone’s worldview and history helps you emotionally empathize with why a certain event makes them so angry). Benefits of empathy Overall, empathy helps you to discern people’s needs, emotions, values, interests, and overall personality. It doesn’t take much effort to see how these skills could be useful in social situations: In conversations, it helps you answer questions like: What are they looking for from the exchange? What topics would they enjoy talking about? Which ones would make them uneasy, bored, or offended? Why are they telling this particular story, and what reaction do they hope to get from me? Having answers to questions like these doesn’t mean you have to become a soulless chameleon or spineless people pleaser, but the information could help you make the interaction more mutually enjoyable and rewarding. In your day-to-day life, it helps you be considerate of others. Whether they’re feeling cheerful or worried, you can show someone that you’re tuned in and care about what they’re going through. You can do thoughtful things for your friends, like being extra supportive to them on the day they have to give an important presentation or making sure to let them know you appreciate a favor they did for you. It helps you generally approach new people with a more open-minded, welcoming attitude. A core part of empathy is accepting that not everyone looks at the world the same way. Knowing the mistakes that arise from not being empathetic You can make social errors when aspects of your empathy aren’t well developed and you unintentionally come off as thoughtless and insensitive. The errors fall into two categories that correspond with the two types of empathy: Mistakes caused by less-developed cognitive empathy When you’re short on cognitive empathy, you don’t always consider the other person’s point of view, which may upset them. Here are some of the mistakes that arise: going on about a topic that bores your friend because you haven’t thought, “Maybe they don’t care about this subject as much as I do;” being offensive by making crass or edgy jokes to people who don’t appreciate that kind of humor; bringing up topics that are inappropriate for the people you’re talking to; for example, telling stories about your casual drug use to your conservative grandparents; being hurtfully blunt and casually critical; for example, “That shirt looks really bad on you. It looks too tight on your potbelly… What? Why are you getting mad?! I’m giving you useful feedback!” disregarding things that are important to other people; for example, forgetting an anniversary, or continuing to bring up a sensitive topic around a friend even after they’ve asked you to stop; seeming to take close friends for granted by always letting them do nice things for you, but not realizing they’d like you to show appreciation in return; getting annoyed at someone for not grasping something that’s obvious to you because you don’t consider that they may not have the same education, experience, or talents. Mistakes caused by less-developed emotional empathy When you haven’t fully developed your emotional empathy, you don’t always feel the emotions of the person you’re speaking with. This creates a disconnect in the interaction. Consider these mistakes: not responding much at all when people are really upset or happy; giving invalidating, tone-deaf responses to people who are distressed; for example, “Why are you so upset your pet rat died? You knew it was only going to a live a few years when you bought it.” seeming uncaring by not showing much reaction to bad news about other people; for example, looking unfazed upon learning a roommate’s sister has been in a car accident. Seeing why people may not show empathy Sometimes people come across as unsympathetic and insensitive without meaning to. They often aren’t aware that they’re not responding in the most appropriate manner. Here are some reasons why people may not show empathy: They’re socially inexperienced, and either it isn’t on their radar that they should care about other people’s feelings and perspectives, or they know they should, but they aren’t very practiced at it. They may unconsciously have a mind-set of “This is how I would feel in this situation, so everyone else will be the same.” They don’t know how to show they’re concerned or caring, or it makes them feel flustered and awkward. If a friend is upset, they’re not sure what to do with themselves, so they say nothing. They may come off as emotionally blank because they’re too stuck in their head worrying that they don’t know how to respond properly. They have more logical, detached personalities and just don’t get as emotional about things. News that may upset some people, like a child from across the country going missing, doesn’t get to them because they think, “Well, I don’t know them personally, so why should it affect me?” What someone else sees as an insult, they may see as a dry, rational critique. People with a more solitary, independent social style sometimes unintentionally become too focused on their own needs and forget to consider everyone else’s. It’s not that they’re selfish monsters, just that they develop some thoughtless habits as a side effect of spending most of their time in circumstances where they only have to worry about what’s best for them. People who are going through a lot of stress and emotional turmoil will naturally focus on their own problems. When people are younger, especially in their teenage years, their empathy sometimes hasn’t fully developed simply because they haven’t had enough life experience. They haven’t encountered enough hardship or been exposed to many contrasting worldviews, so they have a tougher time relating to people who are hurting or who see things differently than they do. The above are benign, accidental reasons someone could seem insensitive, but the fact is, some people lack empathy because they have a selfish, self-absorbed, arrogant, or close-minded side to their personality. Those are clearly negative traits, which we all show bits of from time to time. If you realize you have more than the usual number of those traits, you can work on minimizing them. How to develop and show more empathy Your ability to emotionally and cognitively empathize with people can be improved. No one becomes a flawless mind reader, but even being moderately better at figuring out what others are thinking and feeling will make a big difference in your interactions. Ways to develop your cognitive empathy Generally learn about a variety of perspectives and worldviews and try to respect them It’s hard to be empathetic if you unconsciously assume your way of doing and thinking about things is the only correct one. Considering another point of view doesn’t mean you have to condone everything about it, but you can at least try to see the reasons for it. For example, if you’re careful with your money, try to learn about the benefits of spending it more freely. Don’t look at a different perspective through the filter of “My default style of looking at the world is right, so I’m going to spot all the ways this other one is ignorant and misinformed.” Aim to be nonjudgmental and open-minded, and try to consider how someone could come to think this way. Practice actively considering particular points of view You can consider another person’s point of view while you’re in the middle of talking to someone or as a solitary thought exercise. For example, if you’re not a parent, try seeing things from the mind-set of your coworker who has two young children. What’s important to them? What motivates them? How are they similar to you? How are they different? What types of things would they want to discuss? What wouldn’t they want to hear about? Learn people’s basic needs A component of empathy is figuring out what drives other people. Everyone has needs that are unique to them, but most people also share a set of basic ones. Most people want to be liked; be respected; feel like they’re important to their friend; spend at least some time being social for its own sake; be kept in the loop about what their close friends and family are up to; feel like the things they have to say are interesting or entertaining; feel appreciated and acknowledged for the things they do for others; feel like their thoughts, emotions, and actions are healthy, reasonable, and normal; feel understood and supported when they’re going through a tough time; be given the benefit of the doubt when they screw up; not be embarrassed or have their flaws or failures thrown in their face; feel accomplished. Once you start considering these basic needs, you’ll feel much more confident about how you could act in various situations. For example, if a friend is telling you a funny story, odds are they want you to seem amused by it, not bored. If they share a mistake they made, they don’t want you to tut-tut them. Ways to develop your emotional empathy Learn to respect the role of emotions People with more logical, cerebral personalities sometimes look down on emotions and see them as irrational and unnecessary. When a friend or colleague is feeling a strong negative emotion, their first thought isn’t “Oh no! They’re so unhappy. How can I comfort them?” It’s “This is so pointless. Why don’t they pull themselves together and use their brain to work through their problem?” Emotions sometimes can lead people astray, but they can’t be written off entirely. It’s best to have a balance of emotion and logic. Emotions are essential in making a lot of decisions. More logical individuals think dry facts are all people need, but without emotions, we’re often left with two choices that have an equal number of pros and cons on each side. It’s those gut feelings of “Mmm, this one makes me happy” or “Yech, I don’t want that one” that break the tie. Emotions also motivate you to act. When you’ve been procrastinating on an assignment, the fear of failing finally gets you started. Emotions are also a part of being human. Even if you don’t have much use for them yourself, you have to accept that they drive most people. Learn to get in touch with your own emotions People can have trouble with emotional empathy because they’re cut off from their own feelings. If they see a family member looking depressed, they may feel sad for them deep down, but not be able to access it. Although some people are less baseline emotional than others, even the most logical, analytical person isn’t a complete robot. The idea of getting in touch with your feelings has a negative, touchy-feely connotation for some people, but it’s hardly New Age fluff to have a basic awareness of what’s going on in your own head and how your emotions are affecting your behavior. Here are some starter, do-at-home suggestions for getting more in touch with your feelings. As a caution, if you’ve experienced a traumatic event and are suppressing your emotions as a coping mechanism, it may be best to do this kind of work with a counselor. Also be careful if you’re prone to anxiety attacks that are triggered by noticing that things like your heart rate or breathing have changed. Get into the habit of asking yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” Do this randomly throughout the day and when you’re vaguely emotionally charged up. Sometimes you’ll be feeling a certain way and won’t even be aware of it until you check in with yourself. Try to add more nuance to the way you identify your emotions. For example, instead of calling an emotion “sad,” ask yourself if a more accurate label might be “disappointed,” “regretful,” or “dejected.” Think about whether you use any tactics to avoid or bypass your emotions. Some common ones are distracting yourself with work or entertainment, immediately jumping into an intellectualizing problemsolving mode, making jokes about the situation, changing your mood with substances, or always being around other people so you’re forced to hold it together. In general, whenever you’re having an emotion, see if there’s another one beneath it. It’s not always the case, but one emotion can be masked by another. Sadder emotions tend to get covered up by ones like anger and worry. Think about whether you have a default emotion that you feel whenever you’re upset, which drowns out your other feelings. Common go-to emotions are anger and anxiety. When you’re having an emotion, and you’re in a safe place to do so, don’t try to push it away. Take your time and let yourself soak in it. Notice what’s happening in your body. Is your jaw clenching? Is your stomach upset? Do you want to make a glum face and slump your shoulders? Could you use any of these observations to let you know when you’re feeling the same emotion in the future? Even if the emotion is on the stronger or more uncomfortable side, realize it won’t hurt you or make you go crazy, and it will pass in time. Practice feeling other people’s emotions Just as you can hone your skills in tuning in to other people’s opinions and worldview, you can work on being able to tap in to their emotions. Start by watching a dramatic television show or movie. Pause during the emotional moments and try to imagine yourself as the characters and feel what they’re feeling. Say the protagonist finds out her car has been stolen. Rather than continue on without giving it a second thought, take a few minutes to reflect on what that would be like, how confused and then angry and inconvenienced you’d feel. Next, think back on times people you know were being emotional and try to empathize with them. As you get the hang of that, empathize with people in the moment. Practice in order to get more comfortable showing your support and concern Maybe you aren’t the best at seeming empathetic in the “showing concern” sense of the word because it makes you feel awkward and self-conscious. Even if you know exactly what to say and do to comfort a distraught friend, it feels forced and artificial. Through experience, you can get used to showing concern. Even if you’re truly feeling compassion for someone, the first few times you say something like, “Wow, that must be tough…” you may feel like an insincere bad actor, but it will become more natural. Learn when it’s appropriate to play along on the surface You may find yourself in situations where someone else is upset about something that wouldn’t bother you. Even when you make an effort to see things through other people’s eyes, you’re not always going to have the same emotional reactions they do. Sometimes the most sensitive move is to show the response that’s expected in that situation. Acting supportive and understanding trumps getting to say everything that’s on your mind right at that moment.

Benefits of empathy 

Overall, empathy helps you to discern people’s needs, emotions, values, interests, and overall personality. It doesn’t take much effort to see how these skills could be useful in social situations: 
  • In conversations, it helps you answer questions like: What are they looking for from the exchange? What topics would they enjoy talking about? Which ones would make them uneasy, bored, or offended? Why are they telling this particular story, and what reaction do they hope to get from me? Having answers to questions like these doesn’t mean you have to become a soulless chameleon or spineless people pleaser, but the information could help you make the interaction more mutually enjoyable and rewarding. 
  • In your day-to-day life, it helps you be considerate of others. Whether they’re feeling cheerful or worried, you can show someone that you’re tuned in and care about what they’re going through. You can do thoughtful things for your friends, like being extra supportive to them on the day they have to give an important presentation or making sure to let them know you appreciate a favor they did for you. 
  • It helps you generally approach new people with a more open-minded, welcoming attitude. A core part of empathy is accepting that not everyone looks at the world the same way.

Knowing the mistakes that arise from not being empathetic

You can make social errors when aspects of your empathy aren’t well developed and you unintentionally come off as thoughtless and insensitive. The errors fall into two categories that correspond with the two types of empathy: 

Mistakes caused by less-developed cognitive empathy 

When you’re short on cognitive empathy, you don’t always consider the other person’s point of view, which may upset them. Here are some of the mistakes that arise: 
  • going on about a topic that bores your friend because you haven’t thought, “Maybe they don’t care about this subject as much as I do;” 
  • being offensive by making crass or edgy jokes to people who don’t appreciate that kind of humor; 
  • bringing up topics that are inappropriate for the people you’re talking to; for example, telling stories about your casual drug use to your conservative grandparents; 
  • being hurtfully blunt and casually critical; for example, “That shirt looks really bad on you. It looks too tight on your potbelly… What? Why are you getting mad?! I’m giving you useful feedback!” 
  • disregarding things that are important to other people; for example, forgetting an anniversary, or continuing to bring up a sensitive topic around a friend even after they’ve asked you to stop; 
  • seeming to take close friends for granted by always letting them do nice things for you, but not realizing they’d like you to show appreciation in return; 
  • getting annoyed at someone for not grasping something that’s obvious to you because you don’t consider that they may not have the same education, experience, or talents. 

Mistakes caused by less-developed emotional empathy

When you haven’t fully developed your emotional empathy, you don’t always feel the emotions of the person you’re speaking with. This creates a disconnect in the interaction. Consider these mistakes: 
  • not responding much at all when people are really upset or happy; 
  • giving invalidating, tone-deaf responses to people who are distressed; for example, “Why are you so upset your pet rat died? You knew it was only going to a live a few years when you bought it.” 
  • seeming uncaring by not showing much reaction to bad news about other people; for example, looking unfazed upon learning a roommate’s sister has been in a car accident. 

Seeing why people may not show empathy 

Sometimes people come across as unsympathetic and insensitive without meaning to. They often aren’t aware that they’re not responding in the most appropriate manner. Here are some reasons why people may not show empathy: 
  • They’re socially inexperienced, and either it isn’t on their radar that they should care about other people’s feelings and perspectives, or they know they should, but they aren’t very practiced at it. They may unconsciously have a mind-set of “This is how I would feel in this situation, so everyone else will be the same.” 
  • They don’t know how to show they’re concerned or caring, or it makes them feel flustered and awkward. If a friend is upset, they’re not sure what to do with themselves, so they say nothing. They may come off as emotionally blank because they’re too stuck in their head worrying that they don’t know how to respond properly. 
  • They have more logical, detached personalities and just don’t get as emotional about things. News that may upset some people, like a child from across the country going missing, doesn’t get to them because they think, “Well, I don’t know them personally, so why should it affect me?” What someone else sees as an insult, they may see as a dry, rational critique. 
  • People with a more solitary, independent social style sometimes unintentionally become too focused on their own needs and forget to consider everyone else’s. It’s not that they’re selfish monsters, just that they develop some thoughtless habits as a side effect of spending most of their time in circumstances where they only have to worry about what’s best for them. 
  • People who are going through a lot of stress and emotional turmoil will naturally focus on their own problems. 
  • When people are younger, especially in their teenage years, their empathy sometimes hasn’t fully developed simply because they haven’t had enough life experience. They haven’t encountered enough hardship or been exposed to many contrasting worldviews, so they have a tougher time relating to people who are hurting or who see things differently than they do. 
The above are benign, accidental reasons someone could seem insensitive, but the fact is, some people lack empathy because they have a selfish, self-absorbed, arrogant, or close-minded side to their personality. Those are clearly negative traits, which we all show bits of from time to time. If you realize you have more than the usual number of those traits, you can work on minimizing them.

How to develop and show more empathy 

Your ability to emotionally and cognitively empathize with people can be improved. No one becomes a flawless mind reader, but even being moderately better at figuring out what others are thinking and feeling will make a big difference in your interactions. 

Ways to develop your cognitive empathy

Generally learn about a variety of perspectives and worldviews and try to respect them 

It’s hard to be empathetic if you unconsciously assume your way of doing and thinking about things is the only correct one. Considering another point of view doesn’t mean you have to condone everything about it, but you can at least try to see the reasons for it. For example, if you’re careful with your money, try to learn about the benefits of spending it more freely. Don’t look at a different perspective through the filter of “My default style of looking at the world is right, so I’m going to spot all the ways this other one is ignorant and misinformed.” Aim to be nonjudgmental and open-minded, and try to consider how someone could come to think this way. 

Practice actively considering particular points of view 

You can consider another person’s point of view while you’re in the middle of talking to someone or as a solitary thought exercise. For example, if you’re not a parent, try seeing things from the mind-set of your coworker who has two young children. What’s important to them? What motivates them? How are they similar to you? How are they different? What types of things would they want to discuss? What wouldn’t they want to hear about? 

Learn people’s basic needs 

A component of empathy is figuring out what drives other people. Everyone has needs that are unique to them, but most people also share a set of basic ones. Most people want to 
  • be liked; 
  • be respected; 
  • feel like they’re important to their friend; 
  • spend at least some time being social for its own sake; 
  • be kept in the loop about what their close friends and family are up to;
  • feel like the things they have to say are interesting or entertaining; 
  • feel appreciated and acknowledged for the things they do for others; 
  • feel like their thoughts, emotions, and actions are healthy, reasonable, and normal; 
  • feel understood and supported when they’re going through a tough time; 
  • be given the benefit of the doubt when they screw up; 
  • not be embarrassed or have their flaws or failures thrown in their face; 
  • feel accomplished. 
Once you start considering these basic needs, you’ll feel much more confident about how you could act in various situations. For example, if a friend is telling you a funny story, odds are they want you to seem amused by it, not bored. If they share a mistake they made, they don’t want you to tut-tut them.

Ways to develop your emotional empathy 

Learn to respect the role of emotions 

People with more logical, cerebral personalities sometimes look down on emotions and see them as irrational and unnecessary. When a friend or colleague is feeling a strong negative emotion, their first thought isn’t “Oh no! They’re so unhappy. How can I comfort them?” It’s “This is so pointless. Why don’t they pull themselves together and use their brain to work through their problem?” 

Emotions sometimes can lead people astray, but they can’t be written off entirely. It’s best to have a balance of emotion and logic. Emotions are essential in making a lot of decisions. More logical individuals think dry facts are all people need, but without emotions, we’re often left with two choices that have an equal number of pros and cons on each side. 

It’s those gut feelings of “Mmm, this one makes me happy” or “Yech, I don’t want that one” that break the tie. Emotions also motivate you to act. When you’ve been procrastinating on an assignment, the fear of failing finally gets you started. Emotions are also a part of being human. Even if you don’t have much use for them yourself, you have to accept that they drive most people.

Learn to get in touch with your own emotions 

People can have trouble with emotional empathy because they’re cut off from their own feelings. If they see a family member looking depressed, they may feel sad for them deep down, but not be able to access it. 

Although some people are less baseline emotional than others, even the most logical, analytical person isn’t a complete robot. The idea of getting in touch with your feelings has a negative, touchy-feely connotation for some people, but it’s hardly New Age fluff to have a basic awareness of what’s going on in your own head and how your emotions are affecting your behavior. 

Here are some starter, do-at-home suggestions for getting more in touch with your feelings. As a caution, if you’ve experienced a traumatic event and are suppressing your emotions as a coping mechanism, it may be best to do this kind of work with a counselor. Also be careful if you’re prone to anxiety attacks that are triggered by noticing that things like your heart rate or breathing have changed. 
  • Get into the habit of asking yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” Do this randomly throughout the day and when you’re vaguely emotionally charged up. Sometimes you’ll be feeling a certain way and won’t even be aware of it until you check in with yourself. 
  • Try to add more nuance to the way you identify your emotions. For example, instead of calling an emotion “sad,” ask yourself if a more accurate label might be “disappointed,” “regretful,” or “dejected.” 
  • Think about whether you use any tactics to avoid or bypass your emotions. Some common ones are distracting yourself with work or entertainment, immediately jumping into an intellectualizing problemsolving mode, making jokes about the situation, changing your mood with substances, or always being around other people so you’re forced to hold it together. 
  • In general, whenever you’re having an emotion, see if there’s another one beneath it. It’s not always the case, but one emotion can be masked by another. Sadder emotions tend to get covered up by ones like anger and worry. 
  • Think about whether you have a default emotion that you feel whenever you’re upset, which drowns out your other feelings. Common go-to emotions are anger and anxiety. 
  • When you’re having an emotion, and you’re in a safe place to do so, don’t try to push it away. Take your time and let yourself soak in it. Notice what’s happening in your body. Is your jaw clenching? Is your stomach upset? Do you want to make a glum face and slump your shoulders? Could you use any of these observations to let you know when you’re feeling the same emotion in the future? Even if the emotion is on the stronger or more uncomfortable side, realize it won’t hurt you or make you go crazy, and it will pass in time.

Practice feeling other people’s emotions 

Just as you can hone your skills in tuning in to other people’s opinions and worldview, you can work on being able to tap in to their emotions. Start by watching a dramatic television show or movie. Pause during the emotional moments and try to imagine yourself as the characters and feel what they’re feeling. Say the protagonist finds out her car has been stolen. 

Rather than continue on without giving it a second thought, take a few minutes to reflect on what that would be like, how confused and then angry and inconvenienced you’d feel. Next, think back on times people you know were being emotional and try to empathize with them. As you get the hang of that, empathize with people in the moment.

Practice in order to get more comfortable showing your support and concern

Maybe you aren’t the best at seeming empathetic in the “showing concern” sense of the word because it makes you feel awkward and self-conscious. Even if you know exactly what to say and do to comfort a distraught friend, it feels forced and artificial. Through experience, you can get used to showing concern. Even if you’re truly feeling compassion for someone, the first few times you say something like, “Wow, that must be tough…” you may feel like an insincere bad actor, but it will become more natural.

Learn when it’s appropriate to play along on the surface 

You may find yourself in situations where someone else is upset about something that wouldn’t bother you. Even when you make an effort to see things through other people’s eyes, you’re not always going to have the same emotional reactions they do. Sometimes the most sensitive move is to show the response that’s expected in that situation. Acting supportive and understanding trumps getting to say everything that’s on your mind right at that moment.
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