Being More Likable
Your interactions will be influenced by your comfort levels, your specific conversation skills, and your broader personality. One trait that affects how much people enjoy your company is how likable you are.
People know this and often ask how they can be more likable. The term seems vague, but this chapter lays out some well-known traits of likable people.
But first, some disclaimers to keep in mind as you work on your likability:
- A big factor in how people feel about each other is their compatibility. We typically like those who are similar to us. Even if you’re warm and pleasant, someone may not like you if you have completely opposing views on the world. The traits covered below will affect your likability in addition to, or in spite of, how well matched you are to someone otherwise.
- The traits below will help you become more likable on average, but you can’t reliably use any one of them to guarantee a specific individual will like you. As always, each person has their own tastes, and you can’t win them all over.
- As a whole, the list may seem like a bunch of bare-minimum requirements to be a pleasant person, not someone outstandingly likable. Likable people don’t operate using a set of secret techniques. They just do more of the things below and at a higher level.
- The traits below are pretty general. That means you can express them in a way that blends into your overall style and personality.
- There are many ways to be appealing. For every point listed, there are many people who don’t have that trait who are still likable because they make up for it in other ways.
- Unless you have an especially off-putting personality, you’re probably already likable to some people. You don’t need to be in the top 1 percent of any of the points below to be liked; just being decent enough at them helps your interactions.
Two ways to be more likable before anyone has even talked to you
People start to form an impression of your likability before you’ve even spoken. The first way you can seem more likable is if you make yourself more physically attractive: by dressing and grooming well, being in shape, and having self assured body language.
Even if you don’t transform yourself into an Adonis, every little bit helps. People tend to see attractive, put-together individuals as having more appealing personalities. It’s called the halo effect. Of course, attractiveness is somewhat subjective, and you’ll need to adjust anything you do based on your social goals and the types of people you want to make a good impression on.
An outfit or hairstyle that may be considered good-looking in an artsy neighborhood in a big city may not get the same response elsewhere. Your reputation and accomplishments can also color people’s perception of you. Have you ever seen someone from a distance and they seemed like nothing special, but then a friend told you about something they did that impressed you?
It skews you toward seeing them in a more positive light when you talk to them. The opposite can happen if you know someone’s a jerk. You can’t actively control this point like the ones coming up, but when you become more accomplished, it may affect the way people view you.
Be able to put your personality out there
Obviously you don’t want to seem unlikable. Another outcome that can be nearly as bad is when people meet you and don’t form much of an impression at all. This can happen if you’re extremely shy or quiet, or if you’re so scared of saying the wrong thing that you discuss everything in a very safe, bland way. You don’t have to become extremely outgoing or forceful with your opinions or humor, but you need to show enough of your personality that people have at least something to react to.
Be reasonably confident
On the whole, people like confidence in others. However, this isn’t to say you have to come across as an ultra-assured salesman type of person. That can be too much. Just be comfortable with yourself. Some people are even likable by being slightly shy or eccentric, but owning it, rather than acting ashamed and embarrassed.
Be reasonably cheerful and positive
Likable people are usually happy. They see the positives in things. They don’t complain that often, and even when they talk about their problems, they don’t let their energy get too negative. They can vent about their annoying boss but have it come across as an entertaining story. A cheerful emotional state feels good to be around and is somewhat contagious. Again, you don’t have to be excessively chipper or never express a negative feeling or opinion. Just try to maintain a good ratio of positivity to negativity.
Seem as if you like people
People generally find someone more likable if they seem as if they like us and people in general. Conversely, people usually dislike anyone who comes off as arrogant or aloof. The wording “seem as if” is used deliberately. Some people inwardly feel misanthropic, but they’re seen as likable because they’re outwardly friendly and personable. If you truly like most people you meet, that’s great, but having that trait is easier said than done. Some of us are choosier than others about who we want to chat to or be friends with. You can still make it a point to be pleasant in your interactions:
- Show friendly and interested body language, like smiling, making pleasant eye contact, and giving people your full attention.
- Initiate conversations with people.
- Eagerly chat with anyone who starts a conversation with you.
- Take an interest in other people and what they have to say.
- If you don’t have time to talk to someone, at least give them a cheerful greeting.
Help people feel good about themselves
When it comes to this point, it’s less about actively trying to make people feel good, and more about not saying anything that cuts them down. If you purposely try to build someone up by cooing over every little thing they do, it can seem very transparent, patronizing, and manipulative.
It’s more than enough to compliment someone or tell them you’re impressed by something they’ve done when the opportunity comes up naturally. Being a decent, friendly person who’s interested in others also makes people feel good about themselves.
If you want to work on this point, you should put most of your energy into not being petty and undermining. Perhaps you know someone who isn’t a blatant jerk, but who’s always peppering their interactions with cutting little comments.
They’ll make snarky remarks, downplay or dismiss their friends’ accomplishments, and make “joking” insults that are a little too stinging. Maybe that person has social status and respect for another reason, but no one would call them likable.
When you act this way yourself, you often won’t even notice you’re doing it. For example, a friend will tell you they just took up rock climbing, and before you know it, you feel threatened by the fact that they have more adventurous hobbies than you and are brushing it off with “Yeah, that is a popular fad these days.” Likable people aren’t immune to acting petty, but they do it much less often.
Bring something to the table in your interactions
Aside from making others feel liked and good about themselves, likable people have traits that make them enjoyable to be around. They’re genuinely funny, they have interesting things to say, they’re fun to go out with, they’re good listeners, and so on. Again, this is subjective. A sense of humor that’s hilarious to one group may seem too dark or corny to another.
One person may find a certain opinion interesting, while someone else thinks it’s pretentious. You can become more likable by developing your social strengths. Maybe you’re fairly funny, but could refine your sense of humor. Or maybe being funny isn’t your thing and you could focus on having intriguing things to talk about instead.
Have more positive than negative personality traits
In a chapter full of general points, this one is even more general than the others. A likable person could be lazy at work and careless with money, but when it comes to interacting with others, they show mostly good personality traits.
The socializing-related personality flaws they do have are often milder. They also tend to be aware of their irksome traits and can put a charming spin on them. For example, if they’re a bit opinionated and temperamental, they can catch themselves at the start of a rant and poke fun at themselves about what a hothead they are.
They don’t randomly explode at people with no sense of how tedious they are to be around. It’s not practical for this book to list every possible good and bad character trait or tell you how to overhaul your entire personality. All you can do is tune in to your strengths and weaknesses, and work to change or eliminate the traits that may be annoying to other people.
Avoid being labeled as “nice” in the bad sense of the word
Likable people are often genuinely nice. They’re pleasant, friendly, and helpful. Of course, that kind of true niceness is a positive trait. However, some people get told they’re “nice” or “too nice” in a tone that makes it clear it’s not meant as a compliment. What do people mean when they call someone “nice” and don’t mean something entirely positive by it? The word is used to describe several interaction issues:
“Nice” = “I don’t dislike them as a person, but they’re not for me”
“Why didn’t I invite Colin to the party? Uh, he’s nice and all, but he’s not really my style…” When “nice” is used this way, it means, “I don’t hate them as an individual. They seem pleasant and like they have good intentions. They’re just not someone I’d choose to be friends with.” If you’ve been labeled “nice” for this reason, there’s not a solution. It just means someone doesn’t think you’re a match for them.
“Nice” = Bland
Someone may refer to a person as “nice” when they see them as being boring and not showing much of their personality. “Nice” serves as a description that’s used when someone can’t think of anything else to say and they don’t want to be negative. If people see you as nice in the bland sense, you should work on being a little more outgoing and forward about what drives and interests you.
“Nice” = “Not enough of an edge for my tastes”
People generally like to hang out with friends who have a similar level of “edge” to theirs. Someone may label a person who’s less edgy as “nice”—too naive, wholesome, or innocent for their tastes (“She’s one of those nice girls. I don’t think she’d want to go to the bar with us”).
By this book’s definition, someone has an edge if they’re willing to do “bad” things. Or if they don’t do those “bad” things, they at least seem like they’re knowledgeable about and not totally frightened by them.
Most people aren’t edgy to the point of being dangerous criminals, but many have some edge because they sometimes do common, mostly harmless “bad” stuff like
- swearing
- telling tasteless jokes
- skipping classes
- drinking or smoking underage
- dressing in a way that’s offensive or provocative to some people (for example, having lots of tattoos and piercings)
- casually hooking up with people
- coming across like they’re tough and willing to get into a fight
- flaunting authority in small ways, like purposely skateboarding in an area where they know they’ll get kicked out of
- committing petty crimes like tagging a mailbox with a marker or shoplifting some lip gloss at age fifteen for a cheap thrill
In general, though, it’s good if you can find a nice middle ground. Practically speaking, if you’re unfamiliar with commonplace “edgy” things or see them as more sketchy and dangerous than they are, it can socially hinder you:
- Even if you’re open to hanging out with run-of-the-mill, mildly edgy people, they may unfairly dismiss you as a potential friend because they see you as being too wholesome for them.
- You may not get invited to slightly edgy events, like parties that you’d have no problem going to, because everyone assumes you wouldn’t be interested or able to handle them.
- You may simply have the wrong idea about certain behaviors (for example, you may see every last person who smokes as depraved and evil).
- You may become scared of things that are mostly harmless (for example, seeing dance clubs as risky places).
To shed that naivety, you don’t need to do any edgy things if you don’t want to. You just need to become more knowledgeable about them. You can even do this by doing some at-home research. For example, if you’re in college and know nothing about what goes on at parties, you could read a few articles on the rules of common drinking games.
Try to get a more nuanced picture of behaviors you may initially have seen as completely bad. You can also try some edgier activities yourself. Don’t do anything that’s so edgy it’s illegal or could otherwise get you in trouble. However, some things that you may see as edgy are actually pretty harmless.
For example, if you’ve been really sheltered, you may see going to a bar as a foolish, rebellious act. There’s no reason not to give something like that a try.
“Nice” = “Too much of a people-pleaser”
People-pleasers are often told they’re “too nice.” They engage in outwardly nice behaviors, but their actions are motivated by a fear of being disliked, along with poor boundaries and assertiveness skills.
They’re nice when other people wouldn’t be, and they show non-assertive behaviors, like putting other people’s needs ahead of theirs, being overly agreeable, hiding their true feelings behind a cheery mask, and having a hard time saying no and standing up for themselves.
“Nice” = “Being overly giving, thoughtful, and considerate to get people to spend time with you”
Some people believe that being much nicer than average is a valuable social commodity that will pay off in the form of friendships, romantic relationships, promotions, appreciation, and respect. They’re often not fully conscious that they’re operating on this principle.
They may do lots of unasked-for favors and always be available to provide practical or emotional support. People who are nice in this way are often disappointed, and they may eventually become bitter when their giving style doesn’t translate into the relationships and admiration they hoped it would.
The fact is, most people don’t place a huge amount of value on above-and-beyond niceness. It’s not that they disregard niceness completely. It’s just that the majority of humans are pretty nice (outside of rough dog-eat-dog environments). Being fairly nice is a bare minimum social expectation, and once someone meets that standard, additional niceness isn’t given too much credit.
When they’re choosing whom to be friends with, people place more importance on factors like having similar interests and values, sharing the same sense of humor, and whether they have fun together. If a “nice” person does something for them, they’ll enjoy it in the moment, but it’s not going to sway their overall opinion on whether the person is desirable as a friend. Not only that, but above-average niceness can be a liability.
Extremely nice, giving people may be taken advantage of. They may be looked down on as insecure suck-ups who feel they have to buy people’s friendship because they have nothing else to offer. They may be seen as lacking judgment and common sense for being so loose with their time, money, and emotional energy.
Many people feel uncomfortable when someone gives them too many unsolicited gifts and favors because it makes them feel obligated. If you’re “nice” in this way, realize that your preferred strategy for getting what you want in relationships isn’t very effective. You don’t need to do a one eighty and become a complete jerk. Be as nice as the next person, or maybe slightly nicer, but nothing more. Learn to draw people to you through other aspects of your personality.