Getting a Basic Feel for Conversations
Conversations take work
Even people who are naturally outgoing and seemingly can talk to anyone occasionally get tongue-tied. So if you don’t feel comfortable making conversation, you’re not alone. Because they require you to think on the spot, your conversations are where the skills part of “social skills” really comes into play. How well your interactions go depends on three factors:
- How comfortable and confident you feel in them: If you’re anxious and insecure, that can interfere with your conversations in all the ways outlined in previous trending.plengdut.com post. Shyness is many people’s biggest obstacle to having good interactions. Their conversations are relaxed and flowing when they speak to someone they’re used to, but when they get intimidated or self-conscious, their skills break down.
- Your technical ability to make conversation: Technical ability includes your capacity to come up with things to say, your level in skills like listening and empathy, your body language, your knowledge of appropriate topics for a given situation, and so on. This section focuses on these skills and more.
- Your overall personality, interests, values, and opinions: The choices you make in your interactions flow out of who you are as a person. You could be very comfortable around people and always able to think of things to talk about, but if you’re abrasive and condescending and have a bunch of offensive opinions, your interactions aren’t going to go very well. The line between conversation skills and personality traits is fuzzy (if you’re argumentative, that’s a negative trait, but also a poor conversational style).
When people have trouble making conversation, one of their biggest complaints is that they “just don’t know what to talk about” or that they “always run out of things to say.” This chapter gives you some broad suggestions for keeping your interactions going.
A few reminders about social interactions
As you work on improving your conversation skills, keep these points in mind:
- You can’t make every interaction go well. You won’t have enough in common with everyone you meet, and sometimes the other person will be in a grouchy mood. On occasion, you’ll begin talking to someone who’s initially unfriendly and win them over with your rapport-building skills, but it’s not realistic to expect to do this every time. Even if you became the most charismatic person in the world, a percentage of your conversations would not go well because some people would feel jealous or intimidated around you. You can’t win them all.
- There’s no single right way to make conversation. Every person you talk to is different, and your conversations with them can go in any number of directions and still be a success. When someone asks you a question over coffee, it’s not a test where you have to figure out the one “correct” response.
- Advice on interacting with people has to be general by nature. No book can tell you exactly what to say in every situation. You’ll need to take the broad principles and fit them to the social culture and specific interaction you’re in.
No matter what kind of conversation you find yourself having, the ideas in the rest of this chapter should give you a better idea of what to say in them. When you naturally get along with someone and the conversation flows effortlessly, many of the processes below happen automatically. Using them more deliberately will help you in the interactions where the words don’t come as easily.
Clarify your goals for the conversation
If the average person was placed in the cockpit of a fighter jet and told to go through the start-up sequence and take off as quickly as possible, they’d sit there dumbly because they wouldn’t have the first idea of where to begin. Some people go blank in conversations for the same reason.
They find themselves speaking to someone and know they need to “make good conversation,” but they aren’t sure what to do beyond that. It’s much easier to talk to people when you have a rough idea of where you should try to take the interaction. If you find yourself blanking, you can quickly remind yourself of one of the goals, and that should help you think of something to say.
Goals of day-to-day socializing
If someone says they have trouble making conversation, they usually mean they aren’t good at the kinds of day-to-day interactions that are social for their own sake (if they have to give directions to their house, they’re fine in that conversation). The quintessential example of this is having to make friendly chitchat at a cocktail party. These kinds of interactions have one or more of the following broader unwritten goals:
Goal #1: Have an interaction that’s rewarding for everyone involved
A conversation that engages everyone might include discussing a movie everyone is interested in, joking around about a series of silly topics, connecting over a shared experience, exchanging insights about a philosophical question, having a friendly debate about a political issue, or just enjoying one another’s company for two minutes as you chat about nothing in particular.
That doesn’t mean every second has to be engrossing for each person, just that overall everyone is getting something out of the exchange. Sometimes you’ll give the other person an opportunity to discuss a topic that’s a bit more interesting for them, and they’ll do the same for you. This all seems obvious, but if you have trouble with conversations, you can forget they’re supposed to be enjoyable and only see them as verbal obstacle courses.
If your only concern is to keep an interaction going so you don’t seem awkward, it can land you in discussions you don’t get much out of (“Man, this topic is boring…but at least I haven’t caused any awkward silences”). Don’t passively drift along in your conversations. It’s okay to push them in a direction you think you and your partners will enjoy.
Goal #2: Learn about the other person and try to find common ground
This is more clearly a goal when you’ve first met someone, but even if you’ve known someone forever, there’s always more to discover about each other. Learning about someone shows your interest in getting to know them, and it allows you to get a sense of how much you have in common and if they could be compatible for a closer relationship. You’ll also tend to grow that little bit closer to someone when you find out you have similarities.
Goal #3: Share things about yourself with the other person
You want to learn about the other person, but they also want to know what you’re all about. You should share your interests, personality, sense of humor, values, and what you’ve been up to lately. As long as you’re also allowing the other person to contribute to the discussion, it’s not self-absorbed to reveal yourself this way. Your conversation partners want to know what makes you tick.
Goal #4: Show you’re a reasonably friendly, sociable person
When you talk to someone, come across as if you like talking to them, not as if you’re aloof and feel put upon for having to speak with them.
Here’s an example of how being aware of broad goals can guide your conversations: Say you’re talking to a new student in your art class. If the conversation hits a lull, you could think, “Okay, one general goal is to learn about them.
I’ll ask them what else they’re interested in aside from drawing,” or “I can share something about myself. I’ll quickly explain how I’ve felt about the class,” or “What would make for an interesting topic to discuss?
I’ll ask them if they’ve been to the new exhibit at the art gallery. Maybe after that we can talk about what kind of art we each like.”
Aside from those general goals, many social conversations have more specific goals. Here are a few examples:
- If you know the person already, catch each other up on what you’ve been up to since you last saw each other (for example, events in your life, fun or interesting things you’ve done, current topics that are on your mind).
- If you run into a coworker in the break room, have a brief, pleasant interaction to show you’re a friendly person and a team player.
- Talk about a topic predetermined by the situation, like discussing what else you’ve been reading before your book club meeting starts.
Tune in to what each person wants out of the interaction
Every individual brings their idiosyncratic goals to each conversation or to smaller sections of it. For example, maybe they’re curious to hear the details of how your job interview went, they want you to be impressed with them as they recount their recent trip overseas, or they hope you’ll validate their feelings as they tell you about a rough time they went through last week. If you can tune in to their objectives, it gives you more information about where you could steer the exchange. Next plengdut post, which covers empathy, goes into detail about how to take on other people’s perspectives.
Be aware of any personal goals you have that might harm the conversation
We sometimes want things out of conversations that serve our own needs, but getting them would make the interaction less enjoyable for everyone else. For example, “I want to make everyone feel dumber than me” or “I want my jokes to get a bunch of laughs, and that’s more important than what anyone else has to say.”
Another more innocuous personal goal to be wary of is “I want to keep this conversation going as long as possible.” If you’re just getting the hang of keeping interactions afloat, this is a reasonable thing to aim for, but it’s not appropriate in every situation. Your social worth isn’t based on being able to talk to anyone for the maximum length of time. If you met someone you had nothing in common with, maybe you could have a long interaction if you faked an interest in their hobbies and told them exactly what they wanted to hear about everything. But after the exchange was over you might look back and realize you go nothing out of it.
Go in with an overall approach for making conversation
The approaches below often come naturally to good conversationalists. You can use the same strategies more deliberately.
Having a broad game plan can help because it simplifies and clarifies what you have to think about, gives you the confidence that comes from knowing you’re using a method that works, and provides some reliable, simple starting material so you can practice. It’s good to have several approaches ready to go, and if one doesn’t work, you can try another.
You can also switch up broad approaches within a single conversation as it evolves. You don’t have to apply only one strategy to every person or situation. The broad conversation goals that were covered earlier in the chapter are one way to give yourself some direction (“I’m going to ask about their interests and try to find one we have in common,”
“My grandpa is interested to know what I’ve been up to lately, so I’ll focus on telling him what’s been new in my life since I last saw him”). Here are some other approaches you can use:
Approach #1: Be interested in and curious about other people, and make it your goal to find out what’s fascinating and unique about them
This is the most popular general approach you’ll hear people mention when it comes to making conversation. It comes up again and again, going back to classic books on people skills like How to Win Friends and Influence People.
The idea is primarily to be someone who asks questions and listens to the answers, which leads to focusing the discussion on the other person. Your “mission” in the conversation is to discover what makes the other person interesting.
You don’t need to only listen to or talk about the other person the entire time; you should bring up things about yourself and share your own opinions when relevant. Generally focus the conversation on your partner, but not to the point where you share nothing about yourself and become a forgettable nonentity that just helps other people talk.
The underlying assumption about this approach is that everyone’s favorite subject is themselves, and that people like someone who takes a genuine interest in them and the things they have to say. People also tend to feel good about a conversation in which they can talk about aspects of themselves that they’re proud of and passionate about.
Another line you’ll often hear in regard to this strategy is that you’ll be more successful taking an interest in other people than you will be by trying to get them interested in you. This approach predisposes you to adopt a positive, friendly frame of mind. Its basic premise implies that everyone is worth talking to if you dig past any preconceptions you may have of them. And because you’re likely to find something interesting about the other person if you look for it, it ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Approach #2: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Focusing on the other person’s interests is similar to the approach above, in that you’re mainly listening and the conversation is based around the other person and things they like discussing. This approach is not exactly the same.
The approach above is more general and is about finding people’s good traits, whatever they may be. This one is more about specifically trying to find out what the other person is interested in talking about, whether it’s a hobby or a life decision they’re wrestling with, and centering the conversation on that. You take an interest in their interest, ask thoughtful questions, and listen as they tell you about it.
The limitations of being an interested listener
Both of these listening / other-person-centric approaches can work very well and are essential to have in your toolbox. At the same time, their effectiveness is sometimes oversold. They’re not the perfect, one-size-fits-all conversation cheat codes they can be portrayed as. Sometimes you’ll run into people who
- don’t want to do most of talking because they’re shy, private, have been told it’s rude to go on about themselves, or are bored of talking about their own lives;
- want to learn about you instead;
- like talking about their passions, but only with other knowledgeable enthusiasts, not anyone they have to explain the basics to;
- are self-absorbed and will use you as a prop that gives them permission to go on about themselves;
- are trying to use this strategy themselves and will be reluctant to take the spotlight; or
- will enjoy your interest and having a chance to talk about the things they like, but won’t automatically want to befriend you just because of it.
Also, you can’t use this approach as easily in group conversations because they’re not about focusing on one person.
Approach #3: Figure out what topics you have an easy time talking about, and then try to steer the conversation in that direction
Having a conversation about your own interests is considered a more selfcentered approach. It’s generally thought of as better form to focus on the other person or have your contributions be equal. However, this strategy may help you organize your thoughts and simplify how you approach an interaction. If you’re just starting to get the hang of conversation, you may be most comfortable expounding on a topic in your comfort zone. In reasonable doses, it’s perfectly fine to try to talk about the things you enjoy. You just have to be sensitive to other people and take care not to bore them or monopolize the air space.
Know how to ask good questions and make good statements
To use a common analogy, having a conversation with someone is like working with them to rally a tennis ball back and forth. When it’s your turn to hit the ball, you don’t want to send them weak or difficult shots they have to scramble to return. When it’s your turn to speak and you want to continue the conversation, you have to say something that will give the other person enough to work with. At the most basic level you can:
- Ask them a question, which directly calls on them to contribute.
- Make a statement of your own, which will hopefully lead them to think of something they want to say in response.
Questions
Questions can ask for new information (“So what are you taking in school?”, “How was the show last night?”) or ask for more details about something the other person has said (“You’re studying business? What drew you to that field?”, “No way! Then what did you do?”). Aside from allowing you to get more information, they also show your interest in the other person and let you direct where the conversation will go.
As much as you can, you want to ask open-ended questions rather than easy to-answer closed-ended ones. Open-ended questions require an answer of a couple of sentences; closed-ended questions can be answered with one or two words. Closed-ended questions can stall a conversation because the other person may respond with only a yes or a no, or something like “It’s good.” A quick example of an open vs. closed question would be asking someone what they think of their college major (open), rather than asking if they simply like it (closed).
It’s hardly a fatal error if you ask a close-ended question. Sometimes you’ll want to know the answer to a question that’s simple to reply to, or it will be all you can think to say at that moment. Just be aware that you may not get a good answer and will need to have another contribution ready to go (for example, “Did you have fun on vacation?”, “Yep.”, “Good to hear. What would you say was the highlight?”).
Statements
A statement could be an answer to a question, an opinion, an observation, some information, or sharing something relevant that happened to you. The main guideline when making statements is that you want to say something with enough substance or “jumping-off points” to provide your conversation partner with plenty of ideas about what they could say next.
If you’re answering a question, provide enough details. Rather than saying that you liked a movie, give a few reasons why. Rather than quickly replying that your weekend was fun, mention something you did. Let your interests, values, and personality show.
You won’t always know what to say, and it’s fine if you sometimes have to give short, sparse answers. However, if you give too many, it puts too much pressure on the other person to keep the interaction alive. This isn’t to say you need to go on for a full minute every time it’s your turn to speak. You can offer your partner plenty of jumping-off points in a meaningful sentence or two.
Mini-questions, statements, or facial expressions that encourage the other person to keep talking
If the person is talking about something they’re interested in, you don’t necessarily have to come up with an elaborate reply when they pause to let you speak. You may just need to make a quick little utterance that tells them, “I’m listening. Keep going,” or “Here’s my reaction to what you just said. Continue.”
Some examples are “Hm”, “Uh huh… uh huh…”, “Oh yeah?”, “Go on…”, “Ha ha, no way…”, “Yep, that’s something he’d do.” Sometimes you don’t even have to speak; you can just laugh, look sad, or look surprised at the appropriate moment and let the person continue what they were saying.
Mixing up questions and statements
In most conversations, you’ll want to use a mix of questions and statements. If you ask someone question after question, it can create an interview or interrogation dynamic or cause a lopsided exchange where one person feels they’re doing all of the sharing about themselves while the other remains a cipher.
Sharing too many of your own statements may make you seem like you’re not interested in the other person and their opinions, and simply want someone to talk at. Even if your responses have substance, if you only answer another person’s questions but never ask any of your own, it can put too much pressure on them to keep driving the interaction forward.
That too can make you seem like you’re indifferent to learning anything about them. Some types of discussions will naturally feature more questions or statements. If you’re talking to someone about a mutual interest, you’ll tend to make a lot of statements to each other as you share your opinions and information. If you’re getting to know someone or listening and helping them work through a tricky issue, you may mostly be asking questions when it’s your turn to speak.
Get better at noticing the possible jumping-off points in the statements people make
Not everything you say has to directly tie in to the sentence made right before. However, if you pay attention to what the other person says, their statements can give you a lot of ideas. For example, if someone says, “My weekend at the cottage was fun. I went jet skiing for the first time,” some possible jumping off points are:
- Weekend: Talk about how your own weekend was. “Oh, that sounds fun. I stayed in town and went to a concert this weekend.”
- Cottage: “Oh cool. Was the cottage more isolated, or on a busier lake? Whose cottage is it, your family’s or a friend’s?”
- Jet skiing: “Wow, I’ve never done that. How’d you find it?” or “I remember doing that as a kid. The newer models must be way more fun. How was it?”
- First time jet skiing: “I remember the first time I ever drove a boat up at the cottage…”
There’s no single correct response in this example, so any of these statements or questions, or other ones, could be valid ways to continue the conversation. Sometimes people will set up obvious jumping-off points for you because they have something they want to talk about, but don’t want to launch right into it without gauging your interest.
For example, they’ll say, “Man, the weirdest thing happened to me at the music festival…” You just have to say, “Oh yeah? What happened?” and they’ll tell you.
Ask the other person their thoughts on the question or topic you were just talking about
You can’t build a whole conversation on this technique, but it’s simple to use and can help you here and there if you’re at a loss for words. Its most basic form is to ask someone the question they just asked you (for example, after telling them about your hobbies, you ask what they do for fun). If you give your opinion and observations on an issue first, then after you’re done, you can ask them what their thoughts are.
Realize you have more to talk about than you may think
People who have trouble with conversation sometimes say they have nothing to talk about and they know they’re boring because all they do is work or play video games. Everyone has more topics they can talk about than they think. Even if most of your time is taken up by one activity, you still watch the odd movie, catch bits of the news, or have funny little things happen to you as you go about your day.
You have your unique perspective and opinions on all of them. You have thoughts on your dreams for the future, your family, current events, larger philosophical questions, what it’s like to live in your city, what type of cereal tastes the best, what cats are like as pets, and on and on and on. Don’t unnecessarily dismiss an idea for conversation with, “Well, sure, I have an opinion on that, but no one wants to hear it, so it doesn’t count.” Any of them could potentially be interesting in the right context.
Don’t filter yourself too much when trying to think of something to say
Often when you feel like you can’t think of anything to say, there are actually lots of possible contributions passing through your mind. But instead of going with them, you nix them for one reason or another: “No, I can’t say that. It’s too boring.” or “No, that’s too out of the blue.” Often this thought process is quick enough that you won’t notice yourself doing it.
Instead of censoring yourself too much, just toss out some of the ideas going through your head. It’s better to say something than nothing. Even if you put something out there that didn’t get a stellar response, at least you tried and did your part to keep the conversation going. There’s always a chance to recover if something you say doesn’t lead anywhere.
Don’t fret about saying generic things
A lot of conversation advice tells you not to bore people with clichéd, unoriginal topics. Sometimes recalling this point can cause you to freeze in social situations. You’ll meet someone new and not say anything to them because you think it’s a huge faux pas to say something uninspired, like asking where they work.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself by feeling that every statement that comes out of your mouth has to be sparklingly original, insightful, and entertaining, or that every question you ask has to get the other person thinking about things they’ve never thought about before. If you watch friends hang out, you’ll see they often talk about pretty humdrum topics.
If someone enjoys another person’s company, they’re more than happy to talk about day-to-day subjects with them. If small talk makes you feel impatient, you may hesitate to bring up anything reminiscent of it. If you’ve just met someone, it may be a good play to ask them where they’re from or what they’re studying, but if you find that kind of conversation boring, you may say nothing, and the interaction might fizzle out.
Don’t fret about changing topics
Sometimes you’ll have something you want to say, but you’ll abandon it because you can’t think of a smooth way to segue into it. If you listen to friends talk, you’ll see they bring up new topics all the time. When one conversation thread has come to an end, it’s normal to jump to something unrelated. It’s okay to change the subject as long as the transition isn’t completely random and jarring, and you haven’t cut the other person off from a topic they wanted to stay on. If you do want to switch topics, follow these pointers:
- If the other person is expecting a reply, give them one first. If they tell you about their winter holiday, comment on it or tell them about something you did with your own time off.
- Make a shift seem less abrupt by tacking on a phrase like, “Oh yeah…”, “That reminds me…”, “Speaking of…”, “I’m not sure why, but that makes me think of…”, or “This is going to sound random, but…”.
- If you pause for a few seconds before changing topics, it often signals, “That subject is done, switching to something else.”
Pay attention and keep up with the conversation going on around you
This one applies to group conversations. It’s always easier to come up with things to talk about when you really focus on what everyone else is saying. It’s more likely you’ll hear something that will trigger a contribution you could make. However, some people have a tendency to zone out and disappear into their heads.
Group conversations can also be a bit annoying to follow at times, like if many people are talking at once or if the environment is loud. Sometimes it seems easier to give up and not devote your full attention to what the others are saying. With practice, you can get better at keeping focused during group conversations.
Prepare some topics or statements ahead of time
A standard piece of conversation advice is, “Before you go to a party, it’s always good to catch up on the news so you’ll have a few ready-to-go topics prepared or you’ll have something to add if someone else brings those stories up.”
A similar suggestion is, “If you know you’ll get asked a certain question a lot, it helps to have an interesting little blurb to give in response.” You can prepare for your interactions in a more general way by keeping a few topics in mind that you can bring out whenever the discussion hits a lull.
This could be as simple as asking, “So has anyone seen any good movies lately?” It’s hard to remember more than a handful of these conversation starters though. There’s no need to try to memorize thirty different lines you could use at a party.
In the moment, you’ll probably blank on most of them anyway, or get stuck going through the huge mental list to pick out the best option. If you give yourself only three choices, it’s easier to go with one of them.
A few longer-term approaches for having more things to say in conversations
The suggestions above were more tactical and can be used right away. You can also work over a longer period to develop your conversation skills and give yourself more to talk about.
Have more experiences and develop your opinions
This chapter already argued that even if you think your life is sterile and one dimensional, you still have much more to say than you think. That said, if you do the same things all the time, another way to have more to talk about is… to get more to talk about.
Try new hobbies. Visit new places. If you find you don’t have an opinion to share on some important topic, then do a little reading and develop one so you’re prepared the next time the subject comes up. If you’re really busy, even a small new experience here and there can go a long way. Eat at a new restaurant.
Watch a few episodes of a new show. Listen to a few songs by a new band. Spend half an hour on a website about a subject you’re interested in but not familiar with. Don’t put unrealistic expectations on yourself to gain a whole new colorful life in a week. Just start small and let it add up.
Know facts and details about a range of topics
The more knowledge and experiences you have floating around in your head, the easier it is to chat with people. The likelihood increases that they could say something that will spark an interesting contribution from you. It’s sometimes eerie how you can be reading about some seemingly obscure new topic earlier in the day, and it will come up in conversation that very evening.
This is a pragmatic piece of advice that you may not feel like using, but it never hurts to be at least somewhat familiar with the things other people tend to be interested in and are likely to bring up. Even if you can’t have an in-depth conversation about a certain area, being able to share a little factoid or ask an intelligent question about it can keep the interaction flowing.
As practically useful as it is to have a lot of knowledge and experience, it has its limits. First, it’s impossible to do and learn about everything. Second, everyone has areas that they’re just not interested in, regardless of how practical it would be to know about them (for example, some women just don’t care about fashion trends). That’s fine. No one can be expected to make perfect conversation about every subject on the planet.
Learn to relate to a wider variety of people
You may sometimes find it tricky to make conversation with people who have different interests, priorities, and ways of looking at the world. At times their differences will intrigue you, but you can just as easily find yourself thinking, “I have nothing to say to this person. We don’t think alike at all. We hardly have anything in common.”
You may find you can relate to these types of people better if you make an effort to put yourself in their shoes. Genuinely try to get a sense of why they think the way they do and like the things they like.
Maybe try out some of the things they enjoy that you’ve dismissed up until now. Even if you don’t share their exact worldview, you may realize you have some common ground after all, and they’re not the caricatures you originally thought they were.
Overcoming conversation stumbling blocks
Sometimes you may have a series of conversations, but you aren’t getting good reactions from the people you’re trying to talk to, and you’re not sure why. It’s hard to see outside yourself and get an objective sense of why you might not be making the best impression on people. There are a few ways things could be going wrong:
Reasons that lie with you
- You’re not actually doing anything wrong at all, but you’re insecure and seeing signs of rejection where there aren’t any. You then give up too soon on interactions you “know” have gone south.
- Your conversation and shyness management skills aren’t developed enough yet, and your interactions are stilted.
- You’re expecting too much from various conversation techniques and think you just have to use them and everyone will instantly like you.
- Your nonverbal communication is putting people off.
- You make one of any number of possible mistakes when making conversation.
Reasons that lie with the people you’re talking to
- You’re trying to interact with people who wouldn’t naturally click with someone like you.
- You’re in a demographic that the people you’re trying to talk to will unfairly dismiss (for example, if you have a Southeast Asian background and you’re living in a small-minded mostly white town).
If you’re consistently not getting good responses from others, the best thing you can do is ask a supportive person for some feedback on how you come across. Finding someone to do this can be tough because many people will be reluctant to be straightforward with you.
They feel awkward about possibly hurting your feelings or worry you’ll take their comments badly. And you may not want to ask because it’s scary to willingly open yourself up to criticism and risk hearing something that may make you feel bad about yourself. This is another situation where a professional counselor can be useful.
They’ll be honest, and they’ll word their critique in a sensitive and constructive way. They’re also an impartial stranger, so their feedback will probably sting less than if it came from a friend or family member.