How To Hone Assertiveness Skills?

Assertiveness Skills

Assertive communication is when you look out for or stand up for your rights and needs in a self-assured, direct manner, while being respectful toward the person you’re talking to. Assertiveness skills are often talked about in terms of intimate relationships or the workplace, but they’re also needed in lots of day-today social situations: 
  • turning down drinks and letting people know you’re not drinking at all, or any more for the night 
  • declining invitations you’re being pushed to say yes to because the event isn’t your style or you simply don’t feel like attending 
  • leaving a party early when your friends want you to stay 
  • having an opinion about where you’d like to eat or go out 
  • turning down inconvenient requests for things like car rides, course notes, or free tech support 
  • excusing yourself from a conversation with someone who’s full of themselves and not letting you get a word in edgewise 
  • telling someone you disagree with them, whether it’s to express a minor difference in taste in movies, or to challenge them on an offensive view they hold 
  • telling a friend it annoys you when they’re late all the time 
  • sticking up for yourself when people take “joking” insults and teasing too far 
  • generally being able to put yourself out there, like inviting someone to hang out or sharing your views with a group of people you’ve just met
Knowing how to be assertive has many benefits. Your self-respect will naturally be higher if you’re willing and able to look out for yourself, and refuse to be put down or cajoled into doing things you’ll regret later. 

Knowing how to be assertive provides you with a sense of self-confidence and control. It makes your life more rewarding because you’re able to get your needs met, go after what you want, and steer clear of situations and activities that you don’t find enjoyable. 
Assertiveness Skills Assertive communication is when you look out for or stand up for your rights and needs in a self-assured, direct manner, while being respectful toward the person you’re talking to. Assertiveness skills are often talked about in terms of intimate relationships or the workplace, but they’re also needed in lots of day-today social situations: turning down drinks and letting people know you’re not drinking at all, or any more for the night declining invitations you’re being pushed to say yes to because the event isn’t your style or you simply don’t feel like attending leaving a party early when your friends want you to stay having an opinion about where you’d like to eat or go out turning down inconvenient requests for things like car rides, course notes, or free tech support excusing yourself from a conversation with someone who’s full of themselves and not letting you get a word in edgewise telling someone you disagree with them, whether it’s to express a minor difference in taste in movies, or to challenge them on an offensive view they hold telling a friend it annoys you when they’re late all the time sticking up for yourself when people take “joking” insults and teasing too far generally being able to put yourself out there, like inviting someone to hang out or sharing your views with a group of people you’ve just met Knowing how to be assertive has many benefits. Your self-respect will naturally be higher if you’re willing and able to look out for yourself, and refuse to be put down or cajoled into doing things you’ll regret later. Knowing how to be assertive provides you with a sense of self-confidence and control. It makes your life more rewarding because you’re able to get your needs met, go after what you want, and steer clear of situations and activities that you don’t find enjoyable. It’s a trait other people admire. Finally, if you want to live a less conventional social life, you’re going to need to get the hang of standing up for what you want and resisting pressure from other people. This post chapter goes into detail about what it means, and doesn’t mean, to act assertively, then gives some suggestions on how to become more assertive. Breaking down the definition of assertiveness As this chapter’s opening sentence said, assertive communication is when you look out for or stand up for your rights and needs in a self-assured, direct manner, while being respectful toward the person you’re talking to. Here’s that definition broken down further: …look out for or stand up for your rights and needs… You, and everyone else, have implicit rights in interpersonal situations, such as the right to be treated respectfully the right not to be used and taken advantage of the right to say no and not be coerced into doing things you don’t want to do the right to feel what you feel, even if some people think your emotions or reactions are wrong or irrational the right to do things like form opinions, make decisions, set goals for yourself and take action, and not have to justify any of your choices to anyone else the right to not be perfect, that is, you can make mistakes, say the wrong thing, change your mind, or not know how to do something Everyone also has various needs and preferences, ranging from what they require from a friend to what type of restaurant they’d like to go to that night. …in a self-assured, direct manner… When you communicate assertively, you’re open about what you want and how you’re feeling. That doesn’t mean you have to spill your entire soul every time. You could be assertive just by saying, “Hey, cut it out” in a tone of voice that shows you’re serious, or by ending a conversation with “Well, it was nice meeting you…” with a firmness that says, “I’m done talking with you now.” …while also being respectful toward the person you’re talking to. Assertive communication allows you to protect your rights but respects those of the people you’re talking to. It’s different from aggressive communication, where you look out for your own rights but trample over someone else’s by insulting, threatening, or badgering them. Considering the flip side of assertiveness: Passive communication The opposite of assertiveness is a passive communication style. That’s when you don’t look out for your needs and rights, and people sometimes unintentionally or purposely disregard them. Facets of passive communication having trouble saying no not speaking up to share an opinion or preference when it would be appropriate going along with what other people want, even though you’re not on board being quick to say, “Whatever you guys want is fine with me” committing to things you’d rather not do, and then trying to get out of them later not defending yourself when people disrespect you easily caving into pressure to change your mind when you do speak up about what you want adopting a false easygoing, go-with-the-flow, helpful persona to make it seem like you’re happy to put other people’s needs ahead of yours If you’re passive too often, and subsequently get walked all over, other people’s disregard for your thoughts and needs will eat away at your self-esteem and self-respect. A vicious cycle can start where people see you being unassertive around others, so they figure it’s okay to treat you poorly themselves (it’s not right or your fault, but it can still happen). Being taken advantage of can cause resentment to build, which can result in passive-aggressive behaviors where you act hostile toward people in indirect ways (for example, subtly trying to undermine them or purposely being undependable). Some people aren’t even aware of when they’re feeling resentful and being passive-aggressive, and continue to see themselves as laid back and giving. Chronic passivity can also cause you to try to get your needs met through indirect or manipulative means (for example, rather than telling your friends you don’t feel like seeing a movie, you agree, then try to plant the idea of doing something else instead). How to improve your assertiveness skills You can improve your assertiveness through a combination of changing your attitude and learning practical, effective assertive behaviors. Believe that your needs, rights, and worldview matter One big reason people aren’t assertive is that deep down they don’t believe their needs are important or worth standing up for. They don’t have faith in their own values, opinions, and preferences, and they let other people override them (for instance, they don’t like nightclubs, but have swallowed the idea they’re weird and antisocial for feeling that way, and let their friends talk them into going). You need to develop a mentality that your needs and worldview are valid and worth protecting. Here are some suggestions: Just hearing that your needs and views matter might be enough for the idea to take hold. If you’ve unintentionally gone through life assuming you deserve to put yourself second, learning about a better alternative may make you think, “Wow, that makes sense. Why haven’t I been doing that all along?” Work on your overall sense of self-worth. Make a list of your personal needs and rights. Practice putting your needs and values first. Do fun activities that are solely a treat for you and no one else. Shamelessly indulge in interests that other people may see as lame or pointless. If you’re not used to doing this, you may feel guilty or self-centered at first, but with time it will feel more natural. Question your beliefs and fears about what being assertive means Reason No. 2 people have trouble being assertive is they have the wrong idea about what it involves. If you have any of the thoughts below, you need to replace them with more adaptive alternatives: “Being assertive means being selfish.” Alternative: Being assertive means prioritizing and looking out for your needs in a healthy way. It doesn’t mean you have to become totally self-absorbed; you just can’t let other people’s interests run roughshod over yours. Even when you want to help other people, you can’t do that to the best of your abilities if you’re not taking care of yourself first. “Being assertive means being rude and bossy and forcing my will on others.” Alternative: Forcing your will on others is aggressive, not assertive. A lot of assertive messages can be delivered with a smile. You don’t need to be cold and abrupt to do so. “If I become more assertive, I’m going to have to constantly get into battles.” Alternative: Having assertiveness skills doesn’t mean you have to use them all the time. If someone slights you in a minor, unintentional way, it’s often easier to let it slide. Assertiveness isn’t the only tactic for handling certain situations either. For example, sometimes it’s easier to get someone off your back by changing the subject. “I’ll hurt people’s feelings if I always have to be open and speak my mind.” Alternative: Assertiveness is about being straightforward, but it doesn’t mean you should pointlessly share every potentially upsetting detail. If a coworker invites you to see their band, which you don’t think is very good, a quick “No, thanks. I’m into different kinds of music” is all it takes to decline the invitation without hurting the person’s feelings. If you suspect even that will offend them, it may be simpler to go with another approach, like making a polite excuse. “People won’t like me if I’m assertive.” Alternative: Someone who’s trying to walk all over you may not appreciate it when you stand your ground, but overall, people will tend to like and respect you more when they see you have a backbone and healthy boundaries. “People may react badly if I’m assertive.” Alternative: Sometimes they will, but that doesn’t automatically mean you did anything wrong. If someone has a tantrum because you don’t agree with everything they think or they can’t impose their will on you, that’s their problem. Sometimes to get what you want in life, you’re going to make other people unhappy through no fault of your own. “I’ll be more likely to get what I want with a more people-pleasing approach.” Alternative: Some people-pleasers tell themselves this, but deep down most of them know their strategy doesn’t work and often leaves them feeling used and unappreciated. Practice being assertive until you get comfortable with it Reason No. 3 people have difficulty being assertive is that it can simply be scary and uncomfortable at first. To get used to being more assertive, start by role playing scenarios with a friend, support group, or counselor. In real life, you can begin with situations you can handle and then move on to tougher ones. Know some techniques for asserting yourself Knowing some basic assertiveness techniques allows you to deliver and stick to your message in a calm, self-assured way. If you get pushback, you can also avoid getting flustered and giving in, or getting angry and having your communication slide into more aggressive, confrontational territory. Say what you want in a confident, straightforward style Once you’ve gathered up the nerve to do it, being assertive is pretty simple: Plainly state what you want in a composed, self-possessed manner. You don’t need to add a ton of explanations and justifications. For example, if you’re at a party and your friends are bugging you to drink more than you’d like, you can say, “No, thanks. I’m not drinking any more.” If you’re out with a friend and they’re paying more attention to their phone than to you, you can say something like, “Can you please save that for when we’re not in the middle of a conversation?” Again, you don’t have to be exaggeratedly firm and forceful. If someone is really stepping over a line, that may be appropriate, but you can often be assertive in a friendly, casual manner. Use “I” statements A standard piece of assertiveness advice is that if you’re asking someone to stop doing something that bothers you, you should phrase your message so it keeps the focus on you and how you’re feeling. That’s better than attacking the other person, which violates their rights, puts them on the defensive, and makes it more likely a pointless argument will break out. For example, if your friend sometimes gets a little too cutting and personal when they tease you, a textbook “I” statement could be “When you bring up my personal flaws to tease me, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel insecure about myself. I’d like you to stop.” However, a lot of people feel “I” statements come off as forced and unnatural. You don’t always have to use them. As long as you’re still being respectful to the other person, it’s fine to make your message fit the communication style you’d normally use with them. For example, if you’re a 17-year-old guy asserting yourself to your immature buddy, you could say something like, “Dude, knock it off. You go too far sometimes when you poke fun at me.” Employ the broken-record technique A lot of the work of being assertive comes from having to hold your ground if people push back after you’ve delivered your initial statement. They may argue, pester you, question your character, get angry, lay on the guilt trips, subtly imply they’ll stop hanging out with you if you don’t give in, or insist you have no choice but to go along with them. It can be tough to resist all the social tension this creates. The broken-record technique is to keep repeating the same assertive phrase over and over again until they give up. You’re giving them nothing to work with, so an argument can’t break out. The best feature of this technique is that you don’t have to do any thinking under pressure. You just need to repeat yourself. Here’s an example set at a bar: “Here, I bought you a shot. You need a drink.” “No, thanks. I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” “Come on, don’t be so boring.” “I said, ‘no, thanks’. I’m not drinking any more tonight.” “I bought you this shot. You have to drink it. It’d be rude not to.” “Feel free to drink it yourself or give it to someone else, but I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” “You’re no fun. You’re dragging down my mood.” “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” “Ugh, fine. Forget it.” Agree, but don’t give in When you agree but don’t give in, you say you agree with the other person’s arguments, but keep on point. Here’s the bar example again: “Here, I bought you a shot. You need a drink.” “No, thanks. I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” “Come on, dude. Don’t be so boring.” “You’re right. I am being totally boring, but I’m not drinking any more tonight.” “I bought you this shot. You have to drink it. It’d be rude not to.” “Yeah, I am being totally rude for not drinking the shot, but I’m still not going to do it.” This technique and the last one also work if you’re asking something of someone else. State what you want, and then keep repeating it if they argue against you. It won’t guarantee they’ll give you what you’re asking for because there’s no way to perfectly control other people, but at least from your end, you won’t let yourself get pulled off course. Have a plan for the odd cases where the other person won’t drop the subject Being assertive and standing your ground doesn’t mean you have to calmly let someone debate your decision forever. If someone keeps pushing an issue, you’ll need another response. If they’re really being disrespectful of your wishes, you may need to leave or let them know they’re acting out of line. If you have friends who repeatedly step on your rights even after you’ve asked them not to, the best call may be to end the relationship. Sticking to your assertiveness guns You may get some resistance from people when you first start acting more assertive. If your friends, family, partner, or coworkers are used to getting what they want from you, they may not like it when you start sticking up for yourself. They might make remarks about how you’ve become selfish or rude, or ratchet up their pressure tactics. It’s not necessarily that they’re evil and liked it better when you were soft and timid; it’s just that people are sometimes thrown off by change and will unconsciously try to force you back into behaving the way they expect. Although there may be a rough transition period, you’ll eventually earn respect when you establish you’re going to have more solid boundaries. If you lose the odd exploitive or disrespectful friend, it’s not exactly a loss.


It’s a trait other people admire. Finally, if you want to live a less conventional social life, you’re going to need to get the hang of standing up for what you want and resisting pressure from other people. This post chapter goes into detail about what it means, and doesn’t mean, to act assertively, then gives some suggestions on how to become more assertive.

Breaking down the definition of assertiveness 

As this chapter’s opening sentence said, assertive communication is when you look out for or stand up for your rights and needs in a self-assured, direct manner, while being respectful toward the person you’re talking to. Here’s that definition broken down further: 

…look out for or stand up for your rights and needs… 

You, and everyone else, have implicit rights in interpersonal situations, such as 
  • the right to be treated respectfully 
  • the right not to be used and taken advantage of 
  • the right to say no and not be coerced into doing things you don’t want to do 
  • the right to feel what you feel, even if some people think your emotions or reactions are wrong or irrational 
  • the right to do things like form opinions, make decisions, set goals for yourself and take action, and not have to justify any of your choices to anyone else 
  • the right to not be perfect, that is, you can make mistakes, say the wrong thing, change your mind, or not know how to do something 
Everyone also has various needs and preferences, ranging from what they require from a friend to what type of restaurant they’d like to go to that night. 

…in a self-assured, direct manner… 

When you communicate assertively, you’re open about what you want and how you’re feeling. That doesn’t mean you have to spill your entire soul every time. You could be assertive just by saying, “Hey, cut it out” in a tone of voice that shows you’re serious, or by ending a conversation with “Well, it was nice meeting you…” with a firmness that says, “I’m done talking with you now.” 

…while also being respectful toward the person you’re talking to. 

Assertive communication allows you to protect your rights but respects those of the people you’re talking to. It’s different from aggressive communication, where you look out for your own rights but trample over someone else’s by insulting, threatening, or badgering them.

Considering the flip side of assertiveness: Passive communication 

The opposite of assertiveness is a passive communication style. That’s when you don’t look out for your needs and rights, and people sometimes unintentionally or purposely disregard them. 

Facets of passive communication 

  • having trouble saying no 
  • not speaking up to share an opinion or preference when it would be appropriate 
  • going along with what other people want, even though you’re not on board 
  • being quick to say, “Whatever you guys want is fine with me” 
  • committing to things you’d rather not do, and then trying to get out of them later 
  • not defending yourself when people disrespect you 
  • easily caving into pressure to change your mind when you do speak up about what you want 
  • adopting a false easygoing, go-with-the-flow, helpful persona to make it seem like you’re happy to put other people’s needs ahead of yours
If you’re passive too often, and subsequently get walked all over, other people’s disregard for your thoughts and needs will eat away at your self-esteem and self-respect. A vicious cycle can start where people see you being unassertive around others, so they figure it’s okay to treat you poorly themselves (it’s not right or your fault, but it can still happen). 

Being taken advantage of can cause resentment to build, which can result in passive-aggressive behaviors where you act hostile toward people in indirect ways (for example, subtly trying to undermine them or purposely being undependable). Some people aren’t even aware of when they’re feeling resentful and being passive-aggressive, and continue to see themselves as laid back and giving. 

Chronic passivity can also cause you to try to get your needs met through indirect or manipulative means (for example, rather than telling your friends you don’t feel like seeing a movie, you agree, then try to plant the idea of doing something else instead).

How to improve your assertiveness skills 

You can improve your assertiveness through a combination of changing your attitude and learning practical, effective assertive behaviors. 

Believe that your needs, rights, and worldview matter 

One big reason people aren’t assertive is that deep down they don’t believe their needs are important or worth standing up for. They don’t have faith in their own values, opinions, and preferences, and they let other people override them (for instance, they don’t like nightclubs, but have swallowed the idea they’re weird and antisocial for feeling that way, and let their friends talk them into going). 

You need to develop a mentality that your needs and worldview are valid and worth protecting. Here are some suggestions: 
  • Just hearing that your needs and views matter might be enough for the idea to take hold. If you’ve unintentionally gone through life assuming you deserve to put yourself second, learning about a better alternative may make you think, “Wow, that makes sense. Why haven’t I been doing that all along?” 
  • Work on your overall sense of self-worth. 
  • Make a list of your personal needs and rights. 
  • Practice putting your needs and values first. Do fun activities that are solely a treat for you and no one else. Shamelessly indulge in interests that other people may see as lame or pointless. If you’re not used to doing this, you may feel guilty or self-centered at first, but with time it will feel more natural. 

Question your beliefs and fears about what being assertive means 

Reason No. 2 people have trouble being assertive is they have the wrong idea about what it involves. If you have any of the thoughts below, you need to replace them with more adaptive alternatives: 

“Being assertive means being selfish.” 

Alternative: Being assertive means prioritizing and looking out for your needs in a healthy way. It doesn’t mean you have to become totally self-absorbed; you just can’t let other people’s interests run roughshod over yours. Even when you want to help other people, you can’t do that to the best of your abilities if you’re not taking care of yourself first. 

“Being assertive means being rude and bossy and forcing my will on others.”

Alternative: Forcing your will on others is aggressive, not assertive. A lot of assertive messages can be delivered with a smile. You don’t need to be cold and abrupt to do so. 

“If I become more assertive, I’m going to have to constantly get into battles.” 

Alternative: Having assertiveness skills doesn’t mean you have to use them all the time. If someone slights you in a minor, unintentional way, it’s often easier to let it slide. Assertiveness isn’t the only tactic for handling certain situations either. For example, sometimes it’s easier to get someone off your back by changing the subject. 

“I’ll hurt people’s feelings if I always have to be open and speak my mind.” 

Alternative: Assertiveness is about being straightforward, but it doesn’t mean you should pointlessly share every potentially upsetting detail. If a coworker invites you to see their band, which you don’t think is very good, a quick “No, thanks. I’m into different kinds of music” is all it takes to decline the invitation without hurting the person’s feelings. If you suspect even that will offend them, it may be simpler to go with another approach, like making a polite excuse. 

“People won’t like me if I’m assertive.” 

Alternative: Someone who’s trying to walk all over you may not appreciate it when you stand your ground, but overall, people will tend to like and respect you more when they see you have a backbone and healthy boundaries. 

“People may react badly if I’m assertive.” 

Alternative: Sometimes they will, but that doesn’t automatically mean you did anything wrong. If someone has a tantrum because you don’t agree with everything they think or they can’t impose their will on you, that’s their problem. Sometimes to get what you want in life, you’re going to make other people unhappy through no fault of your own.

“I’ll be more likely to get what I want with a more people-pleasing approach.” 

Alternative: Some people-pleasers tell themselves this, but deep down most of them know their strategy doesn’t work and often leaves them feeling used and unappreciated. 

Practice being assertive until you get comfortable with it 

Reason No. 3 people have difficulty being assertive is that it can simply be scary and uncomfortable at first. To get used to being more assertive, start by role playing scenarios with a friend, support group, or counselor. In real life, you can begin with situations you can handle and then move on to tougher ones. 

Know some techniques for asserting yourself 

Knowing some basic assertiveness techniques allows you to deliver and stick to your message in a calm, self-assured way. If you get pushback, you can also avoid getting flustered and giving in, or getting angry and having your communication slide into more aggressive, confrontational territory. 

Say what you want in a confident, straightforward style 

Once you’ve gathered up the nerve to do it, being assertive is pretty simple: Plainly state what you want in a composed, self-possessed manner. You don’t need to add a ton of explanations and justifications. For example, if you’re at a party and your friends are bugging you to drink more than you’d like, you can say, “No, thanks. I’m not drinking any more.” If you’re out with a friend and they’re paying more attention to their phone than to you, you can say something like, “Can you please save that for when we’re not in the middle of a conversation?” Again, you don’t have to be exaggeratedly firm and forceful. If someone is really stepping over a line, that may be appropriate, but you can often be assertive in a friendly, casual manner. 

Use “I” statements

A standard piece of assertiveness advice is that if you’re asking someone to stop doing something that bothers you, you should phrase your message so it keeps the focus on you and how you’re feeling. 

That’s better than attacking the other person, which violates their rights, puts them on the defensive, and makes it more likely a pointless argument will break out. For example, if your friend sometimes gets a little too cutting and personal when they tease you, a textbook “I” statement could be “When you bring up my personal flaws to tease me, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel insecure about myself. 

I’d like you to stop.” However, a lot of people feel “I” statements come off as forced and unnatural. You don’t always have to use them. As long as you’re still being respectful to the other person, it’s fine to make your message fit the communication style you’d normally use with them. 

For example, if you’re a 17-year-old guy asserting yourself to your immature buddy, you could say something like, “Dude, knock it off. You go too far sometimes when you poke fun at me.” 

Employ the broken-record technique 

A lot of the work of being assertive comes from having to hold your ground if people push back after you’ve delivered your initial statement. They may argue, pester you, question your character, get angry, lay on the guilt trips, subtly imply they’ll stop hanging out with you if you don’t give in, or insist you have no choice but to go along with them. It can be tough to resist all the social tension this creates. The broken-record technique is to keep repeating the same assertive phrase over and over again until they give up. You’re giving them nothing to work with, so an argument can’t break out. The best feature of this technique is that you don’t have to do any thinking under pressure. You just need to repeat yourself. 
Here’s an example set at a bar: 
  • “Here, I bought you a shot. You need a drink.” 
  • “No, thanks. I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” 
  • “Come on, don’t be so boring.” 
  • “I said, ‘no, thanks’. I’m not drinking any more tonight.”
  • “I bought you this shot. You have to drink it. It’d be rude not to.” 
  • “Feel free to drink it yourself or give it to someone else, but I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” 
  • “You’re no fun. You’re dragging down my mood.” 
  • “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” 
  • “Ugh, fine. Forget it.” 

Agree, but don’t give in 

When you agree but don’t give in, you say you agree with the other person’s arguments, but keep on point. Here’s the bar example again: 
  • “Here, I bought you a shot. You need a drink.” 
  • “No, thanks. I already told you I’m not drinking any more tonight.” 
  • “Come on, dude. Don’t be so boring.” 
  • “You’re right. I am being totally boring, but I’m not drinking any more tonight.” 
  • “I bought you this shot. You have to drink it. It’d be rude not to.” 
  • “Yeah, I am being totally rude for not drinking the shot, but I’m still not going to do it.” 
This technique and the last one also work if you’re asking something of someone else. State what you want, and then keep repeating it if they argue against you. It won’t guarantee they’ll give you what you’re asking for because there’s no way to perfectly control other people, but at least from your end, you won’t let yourself get pulled off course. 

Have a plan for the odd cases where the other person won’t drop the subject 

Being assertive and standing your ground doesn’t mean you have to calmly let someone debate your decision forever. If someone keeps pushing an issue, you’ll need another response. If they’re really being disrespectful of your wishes, you may need to leave or let them know they’re acting out of line. If you have friends who repeatedly step on your rights even after you’ve asked them not to, the best call may be to end the relationship. 

Sticking to your assertiveness guns 

You may get some resistance from people when you first start acting more assertive. If your friends, family, partner, or coworkers are used to getting what they want from you, they may not like it when you start sticking up for yourself. They might make remarks about how you’ve become selfish or rude, or ratchet up their pressure tactics. 

It’s not necessarily that they’re evil and liked it better when you were soft and timid; it’s just that people are sometimes thrown off by change and will unconsciously try to force you back into behaving the way they expect. 

Although there may be a rough transition period, you’ll eventually earn respect when you establish you’re going to have more solid boundaries. If you lose the odd exploitive or disrespectful friend, it’s not exactly a loss.
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