How to Making Conversation in Particular Situations?

Making Conversation in Particular Situations

People often say they have trouble making conversation in certain situations: when they’re talking to people they know well, when they’re first hanging around a group of friends who all know each other well, or when they have to mingle at parties. This chapter helps you navigate conversations in those situations.

Talking to people you know well 

Some people are fine talking to someone new, when there’s lots of unexplored ground to cover, but they feel like they’re out of material with their closer friends. The good news is if you’re already on fairly friendly terms with someone, they’ve unofficially signed off on being interested in you and what makes you tick. 

You may not have every last thing in common, and certain interests of yours may do nothing for them, but on the whole they’re open to whatever you want to bring up. So don’t hold back too much. When you know someone, you can devote some of the conversation to catching up on what you’ve been doing since you last saw each other. 
Making Conversation in Particular Situations People often say they have trouble making conversation in certain situations: when they’re talking to people they know well, when they’re first hanging around a group of friends who all know each other well, or when they have to mingle at parties. This chapter helps you navigate conversations in those situations. Talking to people you know well Some people are fine talking to someone new, when there’s lots of unexplored ground to cover, but they feel like they’re out of material with their closer friends. The good news is if you’re already on fairly friendly terms with someone, they’ve unofficially signed off on being interested in you and what makes you tick. You may not have every last thing in common, and certain interests of yours may do nothing for them, but on the whole they’re open to whatever you want to bring up. So don’t hold back too much. When you know someone, you can devote some of the conversation to catching up on what you’ve been doing since you last saw each other. The better you know someone, and the more often you talk to them, the more detail you can go into. If you haven’t seen someone for three years, you’ll answer, “What’s new?” with a sweeping summary like, “Well, I started my own contracting business, and we have a second kid on the way.” When you talk to someone all the time, you’ll have a more detailed answer like, “I figured out what was making that noise in my car…” When you hang out with someone often, you’ll also generate new events to discuss (“So I spoke more to that guy we met at the party last week…”). Finally, you can always find out more about each other. Even long-time friends don’t know every detail about each other’s childhood or their opinion on every topic. There’s always more to learn. Hanging out with new people who all know each other A lot of us get nervous when we first hang around a group of people who know each other well, such as a friend’s friends who all grew up together. Sometimes the initial meeting goes off without a hitch. You jell with the group right away and are welcomed into the fold. When it doesn’t work out, the group members socialize among themselves, while making lots of inside jokes and references to past experiences, and you’re left standing on the sidelines. If that happens, it usually isn’t because you did something wrong or the group is purposely being mean and exclusionary. They just all know each other, and it’s easy and fun for them to stick to the familiar. They may also be a bit lazy and see getting to know someone new as work, when they could just hang out with their buddies instead. Some of the group members may be shy too, and feel inhibited about engaging someone unfamiliar. If you don’t have a good conversation with them, don’t get too down on yourself. It’s a trickier, more nerve-racking situation to navigate, and if the group isn’t receptive to getting to know someone new, there’s only so much you can do. Here’s what you can try, alongside the general advice in the previous plengdut post on handling group conversations. Take the initiative and throw yourself into the mix Because it’s easy for the group to benignly overlook you, take the initiative to try to get to know everyone. You can’t wait and count on them to bring you in. Basically, whatever the group is doing, put yourself in there and attempt to join their conversation. If you’re at someone’s place and they’re all playing video games, sit down and grab a controller. If you’re all at a club and they’re dancing or playing pool or talking on the patio, then that’s where you should be. Accept you won’t be able to contribute to some topics There’s only so much you can do if the inside jokes start flying or everyone starts updating each other on what another friend has been up to lately. Maybe you’ll have an opportunity to add something, but for the most part, you just have to wait out these stretches. You could also try getting in the loop by asking something like, “Who are you all laughing about? An old friend?” If the explanation is quick, the others may fill you in, but sometimes there will be too much backstory for them to cover. Act as if you’re a long-time group member instead of asking getting-to know-you questions When you’re around a group of new people, your first instinct may be to ask them basic getting-to-know-you questions. Sometimes that works, but they won’t always be receptive. Established groups already know one another’s basic backgrounds and talk about other topics when they hang out. When they’re speaking with you, they may not be in the mood to be interviewed about themselves. They want to talk with their buddies and want you to jump into the discussion and contribute as if you’re familiar with everyone too. For example, if they’re telling funny travel stories, they want you to pipe up and tell yours too. If they’re talking about a popular TV show, they want you to share your opinion on it. As the conversation moves along and hits on more topics, you’ll get to know what they’re like from what they add to it, and they’ll learn the same about you. Chances to learn bits of everyone’s life history will come up organically. This isn’t to say some members won’t be open to a more standard getting-to-know you exchange, especially if you get a chance to talk to them one on one. However, if you initially try that and they don’t seem enthusiastic, switch to the other approach. Don’t feel like you’re at an audition Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to show your best side and win everyone over the first few times you hang out with them. That can backfire. You can get a bit nervous, try too hard to be funny and interesting, and not make the best impression. Even though you do have to take the initiative to join the group’s interactions, you don’t have to go over the top and dazzle everyone either. Act the way you normally would around friends. If the group is going to like you, they’re going to like you. Just do your thing and see how it all plays out. Mingling at parties Parties are one of the top social situations people have trouble with. They know they’re supposed to mingle, but they don’t know how exactly, or it makes them too nervous. Depending on the type of party, there can also be an expectation to be “fun” and “on.” Here are some tips for getting through parties and being able to talk to people (but not necessarily being the zaniest person there). Acknowledging the outside forces at play As with making conversation in general, some of your results at parties will be influenced by your interpersonal skills. The rest is out of your hands and determined by outside forces. Some factors that will affect your experience at a party are what kind of party it is and whether it suits your strengths and personality (that is, is it focused around cerebral group discussions or drunken antics?); the other guests and whether they’re the type of people you get along with; how well everyone knows each other. Is it mainly friends who have known each other forever or people who are strangers to each other? how open everyone is to meeting new people. Are they there to make new friends, or do they plan to stick to the group they came with? Don’t place too much importance on how well you socialize at parties Parties are just one way people get together. For the average person, they come up only occasionally. They can be fun and lively, but they’re not the be-all and end-all of social interaction. Some people blow the significance of parties out of proportion and measure how well they get along with the strangers they meet as the ultimate test of their social worthiness. If it’s important to you to be able to mingle, then you should work on it. But at the same time, know that plenty of people have great social lives even if working the room and being memorable at big gatherings isn’t their strong point. Regarding the expectation that you have to have a caaah-raaazy time, many people’s idea of a good night at a party is to mainly hang out with the friends they came with in a low-key way, have a couple of drinks, and maybe chat with a person or two they don’t know. They don’t feel they’ve failed if they haven’t done a bunch of keg stands, jumped off a roof into a pool, and made twenty new buddies. Deciding the best time to arrive How early or late you show up at a party can influence how comfortable you feel socializing with the other guests. Some people find it’s good to arrive early (not overly early, of course, because that can inconvenience the host). Fewer guests will have arrived, and you can talk to everyone under more low-key circumstances and in smaller, more manageable groups. As the other guests trickle in, you can get to know them as they arrive. However, this doesn’t work for everyone. Some people feel more exposed and on the spot if they’re at a party early with hardly anyone else. It’s also less of an option if you don’t know the host(s) that well. The other option is to arrive later, when you’ll have lots of existing groups to join. You may also like that you can disappear into the crowd and not feel like you stand out. If you find a conversation awkward, you can quickly escape to someone else, rather than, say, being stuck having to chat with just the host and her two good friends for twenty minutes. There are downsides to this approach too. Some people find a room full of guests who are already talking to each other intimidating. Everyone may be into their conversations, and groups can feel harder to break into. Finally, as the night goes on, people get more rowdy, which may not be your style. Ways to approach and chat with people at parties Previous trending.plengdut.com post covered how to feel comfortable approaching people and how to start and maintain conversations with them, so this section won’t repeat all of that. Here are some party-specific ideas for getting into interactions: If you’re going to mingle with strangers on your own, you can talk to whomever you want to. Pick a person who’s close to you, or who seems interesting or approachable, or just go up to someone at random. That may sound too simple, but you really don’t need to think about it more than that. Ask the person throwing the party to introduce you to everyone. (This isn’t always an option, though.) Give yourself a role, like the person who takes people’s coats and shows them where the snacks and drinks are. Join one of the activities that may be going on (for example, a card game, a group watching TV or playing video games in the basement). Initiate a new activity to get people talking, like playing a board game or drinking game (if it’s the type of get-together where that would be appropriate). Two approaches to mingling The first approach to mingling is to be more mechanical and try to have at least a brief conversation with everyone at the event. The second is to go with the flow, talk to whoever catches your fancy, and see where the night takes you. You might end up in a bunch of short interactions, or you may hit it off with the second group you talk to and spend the rest of the party with them. The try-to-talk-to-everyone approach is more appropriate if you’re hosting the event; it’s expected of you to be polite and say hello to everyone. You’d also use it if it’s important for you to meet everyone there, or if the party has a business or networking component and you want to be sure to make the rounds and talk to everyone you need to. The more casual approach is best when you’re attending a bigger, purely social party. In those situations, most of the guests won’t try to speak to everyone else because it’s often impractical and would get in the way of their spontaneous fun. Leaving the party Some people find leaving parties awkward. If you don’t like seemingly being the center of attention as you announce you’re heading out, that’s simply something you can get used to in time. If you’re not sure how to say your good-byes, it’s polite to let at least the host(s) and your good friends know you’re taking off. If you’ve met some new people you’d like to stay in touch with, you can track them down and get their contact info before you go. Don’t feel you have to tell every last guest you’re done for the night. Whoever you tell, just say you’re heading off and don’t think you have to have a five-minute going-away chat. There’s no need to act sheepish if you’re leaving early. Every party has guests who have to go before the others. If you get flak, stick to your guns, then quickly make your exit before you can get sucked into an argument.


The better you know someone, and the more often you talk to them, the more detail you can go into. If you haven’t seen someone for three years, you’ll answer, “What’s new?” with a sweeping summary like, “Well, I started my own contracting business, and we have a second kid on the way.” 

When you talk to someone all the time, you’ll have a more detailed answer like, “I figured out what was making that noise in my car…” When you hang out with someone often, you’ll also generate new events to discuss (“So I spoke more to that guy we met at the party last week…”).

Finally, you can always find out more about each other. Even long-time friends don’t know every detail about each other’s childhood or their opinion on every topic. There’s always more to learn.

Hanging out with new people who all know each other 

A lot of us get nervous when we first hang around a group of people who know each other well, such as a friend’s friends who all grew up together. Sometimes the initial meeting goes off without a hitch. You jell with the group right away and are welcomed into the fold. 

When it doesn’t work out, the group members socialize among themselves, while making lots of inside jokes and references to past experiences, and you’re left standing on the sidelines. If that happens, it usually isn’t because you did something wrong or the group is purposely being mean and exclusionary. They just all know each other, and it’s easy and fun for them to stick to the familiar. 

They may also be a bit lazy and see getting to know someone new as work, when they could just hang out with their buddies instead. Some of the group members may be shy too, and feel inhibited about engaging someone unfamiliar. If you don’t have a good conversation with them, don’t get too down on yourself. 

It’s a trickier, more nerve-racking situation to navigate, and if the group isn’t receptive to getting to know someone new, there’s only so much you can do. Here’s what you can try, alongside the general advice in the previous plengdut post on handling group conversations.

Take the initiative and throw yourself into the mix 

Because it’s easy for the group to benignly overlook you, take the initiative to try to get to know everyone. You can’t wait and count on them to bring you in. Basically, whatever the group is doing, put yourself in there and attempt to join their conversation. If you’re at someone’s place and they’re all playing video games, sit down and grab a controller. If you’re all at a club and they’re dancing or playing pool or talking on the patio, then that’s where you should be.

Accept you won’t be able to contribute to some topics 

There’s only so much you can do if the inside jokes start flying or everyone starts updating each other on what another friend has been up to lately. Maybe you’ll have an opportunity to add something, but for the most part, you just have to wait out these stretches. You could also try getting in the loop by asking something like, “Who are you all laughing about? An old friend?” If the explanation is quick, the others may fill you in, but sometimes there will be too much backstory for them to cover.

Act as if you’re a long-time group member instead of asking getting-to know-you questions 

When you’re around a group of new people, your first instinct may be to ask them basic getting-to-know-you questions. Sometimes that works, but they won’t always be receptive. Established groups already know one another’s basic backgrounds and talk about other topics when they hang out. 

When they’re speaking with you, they may not be in the mood to be interviewed about themselves. They want to talk with their buddies and want you to jump into the discussion and contribute as if you’re familiar with everyone too. 

For example, if they’re telling funny travel stories, they want you to pipe up and tell yours too. If they’re talking about a popular TV show, they want you to share your opinion on it. As the conversation moves along and hits on more topics, you’ll get to know what they’re like from what they add to it, and they’ll learn the same about you. 

Chances to learn bits of everyone’s life history will come up organically. This isn’t to say some members won’t be open to a more standard getting-to-know you exchange, especially if you get a chance to talk to them one on one. However, if you initially try that and they don’t seem enthusiastic, switch to the other approach. 

Don’t feel like you’re at an audition

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to show your best side and win everyone over the first few times you hang out with them. That can backfire. You can get a bit nervous, try too hard to be funny and interesting, and not make the best impression. 

Even though you do have to take the initiative to join the group’s interactions, you don’t have to go over the top and dazzle everyone either. Act the way you normally would around friends. If the group is going to like you, they’re going to like you. Just do your thing and see how it all plays out.

Mingling at parties 

Parties are one of the top social situations people have trouble with. They know they’re supposed to mingle, but they don’t know how exactly, or it makes them too nervous. Depending on the type of party, there can also be an expectation to be “fun” and “on.” Here are some tips for getting through parties and being able to talk to people (but not necessarily being the zaniest person there).

Acknowledging the outside forces at play 

As with making conversation in general, some of your results at parties will be influenced by your interpersonal skills. The rest is out of your hands and determined by outside forces. Some factors that will affect your experience at a party are 
  • what kind of party it is and whether it suits your strengths and personality (that is, is it focused around cerebral group discussions or drunken antics?); 
  • the other guests and whether they’re the type of people you get along with; 
  • how well everyone knows each other. Is it mainly friends who have known each other forever or people who are strangers to each other? 
  • how open everyone is to meeting new people. Are they there to make new friends, or do they plan to stick to the group they came with?

Don’t place too much importance on how well you socialize at parties 

Parties are just one way people get together. For the average person, they come up only occasionally. They can be fun and lively, but they’re not the be-all and end-all of social interaction. 

Some people blow the significance of parties out of proportion and measure how well they get along with the strangers they meet as the ultimate test of their social worthiness. If it’s important to you to be able to mingle, then you should work on it. But at the same time, know that plenty of people have great social lives even if working the room and being memorable at big gatherings isn’t their strong point. 

Regarding the expectation that you have to have a caaah-raaazy time, many people’s idea of a good night at a party is to mainly hang out with the friends they came with in a low-key way, have a couple of drinks, and maybe chat with a person or two they don’t know. They don’t feel they’ve failed if they haven’t done a bunch of keg stands, jumped off a roof into a pool, and made twenty new buddies.

Deciding the best time to arrive 

How early or late you show up at a party can influence how comfortable you feel socializing with the other guests. Some people find it’s good to arrive early (not overly early, of course, because that can inconvenience the host). 

Fewer guests will have arrived, and you can talk to everyone under more low-key circumstances and in smaller, more manageable groups. As the other guests trickle in, you can get to know them as they arrive. However, this doesn’t work for everyone. Some people feel more exposed and on the spot if they’re at a party early with hardly anyone else. 

It’s also less of an option if you don’t know the host(s) that well. The other option is to arrive later, when you’ll have lots of existing groups to join. You may also like that you can disappear into the crowd and not feel like you stand out. 

If you find a conversation awkward, you can quickly escape to someone else, rather than, say, being stuck having to chat with just the host and her two good friends for twenty minutes. There are downsides to this approach too. 

Some people find a room full of guests who are already talking to each other intimidating. Everyone may be into their conversations, and groups can feel harder to break into. Finally, as the night goes on, people get more rowdy, which may not be your style.

Ways to approach and chat with people at parties 

Previous trending.plengdut.com post covered how to feel comfortable approaching people and how to start and maintain conversations with them, so this section won’t repeat all of that. Here are some party-specific ideas for getting into interactions: 
  • If you’re going to mingle with strangers on your own, you can talk to whomever you want to. Pick a person who’s close to you, or who seems interesting or approachable, or just go up to someone at random. That may sound too simple, but you really don’t need to think about it more than that. 
  • Ask the person throwing the party to introduce you to everyone. (This isn’t always an option, though.) 
  • Give yourself a role, like the person who takes people’s coats and shows them where the snacks and drinks are. 
  • Join one of the activities that may be going on (for example, a card game, a group watching TV or playing video games in the basement). 
  • Initiate a new activity to get people talking, like playing a board game or drinking game (if it’s the type of get-together where that would be appropriate).

Two approaches to mingling 

The first approach to mingling is to be more mechanical and try to have at least a brief conversation with everyone at the event. The second is to go with the flow, talk to whoever catches your fancy, and see where the night takes you. 

You might end up in a bunch of short interactions, or you may hit it off with the second group you talk to and spend the rest of the party with them. The try-to-talk-to-everyone approach is more appropriate if you’re hosting the event; it’s expected of you to be polite and say hello to everyone. 

You’d also use it if it’s important for you to meet everyone there, or if the party has a business or networking component and you want to be sure to make the rounds and talk to everyone you need to. 

The more casual approach is best when you’re attending a bigger, purely social party. In those situations, most of the guests won’t try to speak to everyone else because it’s often impractical and would get in the way of their spontaneous fun.

Leaving the party 

Some people find leaving parties awkward. If you don’t like seemingly being the center of attention as you announce you’re heading out, that’s simply something you can get used to in time. If you’re not sure how to say your good-byes, it’s polite to let at least the host(s) and your good friends know you’re taking off. 

If you’ve met some new people you’d like to stay in touch with, you can track them down and get their contact info before you go. Don’t feel you have to tell every last guest you’re done for the night. Whoever you tell, just say you’re heading off and don’t think you have to have a five-minute going-away chat. 

There’s no need to act sheepish if you’re leaving early. Every party has guests who have to go before the others. If you get flak, stick to your guns, then quickly make your exit before you can get sucked into an argument.
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