Navigating Group Conversations

You're in good company if you’re fine in one-on-one conversations but clam up or feel overwhelmed when more people are in the mix. Group conversations are different than one-on-one interactions in the following ways:

Rather than two people sending communication back and forth to each other, each person in the group throws in their contribution for everyone else’s benefit. That means many one-on-one conversation styles don’t work as well. You can’t ignore everyone else to lock onto one person and listen as they tell you about the graphic novel they’re working on. You have to be able to chip in to the larger discussion.
Their energy levels can vary because there are more people to influence it. One-on-one conversations are mostly conducted at a low-key level, but group discussions can range from calm and orderly to excited and rowdy.
There’s less pressure on you to keep the interaction alive because if you don’t have something to say, someone else will. Unless every member in the group is feeling shy, a group conversation will keep going. The challenge becomes contributing enough. If you don’t talk for a while, the interaction won’t end, but you may be left sitting unhappily on the side or get the dreaded “Why are you so quiet?”
Speaking in groups, such as if everyone’s listening as you tell a funny story, can sometimes feel like you’re giving a mini-performance because so many pairs of eyes are focused on you. When you’re joking around or arguing a point, you may also have the sense that you have to play for the crowd.
They can continually shift back and forth between a true group discussion, where everyone is talking together, and several smaller subconversations.

This post tells you what you need to know to handle group conversations. It lists some ways to join group discussions, be more talkative in them, and hold your own and not get too annoyed when they get more hectic and energetic.

Navigating Group Conversations You're in good company if you’re fine in one-on-one conversations but clam up or feel overwhelmed when more people are in the mix. Group conversations are different than one-on-one interactions in the following ways: Rather than two people sending communication back and forth to each other, each person in the group throws in their contribution for everyone else’s benefit. That means many one-on-one conversation styles don’t work as well. You can’t ignore everyone else to lock onto one person and listen as they tell you about the graphic novel they’re working on. You have to be able to chip in to the larger discussion. Their energy levels can vary because there are more people to influence it. One-on-one conversations are mostly conducted at a low-key level, but group discussions can range from calm and orderly to excited and rowdy. There’s less pressure on you to keep the interaction alive because if you don’t have something to say, someone else will. Unless every member in the group is feeling shy, a group conversation will keep going. The challenge becomes contributing enough. If you don’t talk for a while, the interaction won’t end, but you may be left sitting unhappily on the side or get the dreaded “Why are you so quiet?” Speaking in groups, such as if everyone’s listening as you tell a funny story, can sometimes feel like you’re giving a mini-performance because so many pairs of eyes are focused on you. When you’re joking around or arguing a point, you may also have the sense that you have to play for the crowd. They can continually shift back and forth between a true group discussion, where everyone is talking together, and several smaller subconversations. This post tells you what you need to know to handle group conversations. It lists some ways to join group discussions, be more talkative in them, and hold your own and not get too annoyed when they get more hectic and energetic. Ways to join group conversations Previous trending.plengdut.com post covered various ways to start conversations. A lot of what was said there applies here as well, like how your exact opening line is less important than your ability to get along with everyone once you’re speaking to them. One new thing to keep in mind is that you should roughly try to match the group’s energy level. If you’re at a party and see a group that’s boisterous and joking around, it won’t work too well if you try to engage them in a calm, dry manner. Similarly, a subdued group that’s talking about world affairs won’t respond as well to an amped-up approach. Try to read how open the group is to being approached. If a group is standing way off to the side, is formed in a tight circle, and seems to be having an intense, private conversation, it may be best to leave them alone. You may worry that if the group isn’t receptive, you’ll be rejected in a harsh, humiliating way. Usually this doesn’t happen, especially if you were just approaching them to be friendly and not aggressively hitting on anyone. Usually all that will happen is they’ll respond to you in a token, noncommittal manner, then resume talking to each other and leave you standing on the sidelines. They might turn away from you or tighten their circle to box you out. At that point, you can quietly move on. It’s a bit awkward when it happens, but hardly a scathing cut-down. To an outside viewer, it doesn’t look like much happened. Of course, this can be confused with when the group allows you to join but doesn’t make a ton of effort to include you in the conversation because they expect you to use your own initiative. If you make several attempts to contribute and they make no effort to engage you, then it’s likely they don’t feel like speaking to you. Introduce yourself to everyone At parties, mixers, or networking events, it’s okay to simply go up to a group and introduce yourself. A “Hey, how’s it going, everyone? I’m ____” is all you need. After you introduce yourself, you could ask a standard discussionpromoting question like, “How do you all know the host?” or “Are you all criminology students too?” To join the conversation but also not interrupt too much, you can quickly give your name and then say, “Anyway, what you were guys talking about?” to get it back on track. Sidle up to the group, listen to the conversation for a bit, and then make a contribution when it’s appropriate Sometimes joining a group conversation involves entering a circle of people who are talking. You may be able to do this silently, or it may be appropriate to give a quick “hi” or nod to everyone as you walk up to them. In other situations, like while sitting in a break room at work, you may not physically join the group, but be near them and able to hear their conversation. Either way, once you pick up on a chance to add something relevant, you can jump in with your contribution and then be part of the discussion. Make sure you wait for a small pause before you interject. You don’t want to blatantly cut anyone off. “Mind if I sit here?” If you’re already sort of friendly with a group who are sitting around, you can join their conversation by straightforwardly asking if you can sit down and join them. This may seem intrusive, but the idea is to do it only with people you’re already pretty sure would be open to you joining them, like if you’re at your school or work cafeteria and see a group you’d like to know better. Once you sit down, they’ll either start chatting to you directly, or they’ll continue with their current conversation, and you can try to chime in when an opportunity arises. Start talking to one person in the group to get your foot in the door If you see a larger group, there may be a member on the periphery who’s focused on something else or who looks left out or uninterested in the topic. If you strike up a conversation with them, you may be able to transition to speaking to the larger group—they introduce you, they turn their attention back to the larger conversation, and they carry you along; or the group notices you talking to their friend, and then you introduce yourself. A similar strategy is to wait until one group member is on their own, like if they’ve gotten up at a party to grab a drink. You can start talking to them when they’re alone and then join the rest of their friends with them soon after. However, don’t join a group discussion and then immediately try to steal one or more members away to have a side conversation. Respect that they want to talk to the group. If a smaller conversation splinters off a bit later, that’s fine, but don’t shoot for one right away. Join the conversation by way of an activity Activities can be used to start both one-on-one and group conversations. It’s mentioned here because it often allows you to chat with several people at once. Parties often have group activities going on, like games of one kind or another. In pubs you can find pool, darts, Foosball, and maybe an arcade machine or two. You can easily get a conversation going by joining in and chatting with the other players. Even if you can’t think of much to say, the ebb and flow of the game itself will provide some things to talk about. Start a conversation with the group the same as you would with a single person If you’re taking a direct approach with groups you don’t know, it’s usually simpler and more courteous to begin the interaction by introducing yourself. However, you could also open with a typical conversation-starting question or statement. You’ll need to size up the group and try to get a feeling for what type of opening line they may be receptive to. Some examples: Ask about your common situation: “Are you guys having a good night?”, “So how do you guys know (the party’s host)?” Comment on the shared context: “This apartment is decorated in such a neat way.” Ask them a question about themselves: “Has anyone here been to any concerts lately?” Make a statement about them: “You guys seem like you’re from out of town.” Ask a question or make a statement about an outside topic: “Anyone here see the game last night?” Make a statement about yourself: (To a group of people you already know somewhat) “The craziest thing happened to me this weekend…” How to be less quiet in group conversations As a loose guideline, in a group conversation you should aim to speak about as much as everyone else. So if there are four people in the group, you should talk roughly a quarter of the time. Of course, you don’t need to hit that exact percentage. What you really want to avoid is being silent for long stretches. As last post says, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being less of a chatterbox. Many social circles have members who are on the quiet side and whom everyone likes just fine. However, there are times when you’re being quieter than you’d like in a group conversation, and not by choice. Here are some suggestions about how to be more talkative: Work on the anxiety or confidence issues that could be holding back your ability to contribute in groups As with one-on-one interactions, it’s often not a lack of conversation knowledge or technique that’s to blame for quietness, but mental barriers like worrying about saying something lame or inappropriate, believing you have nothing worth sharing, feeling uncomfortable being in the spotlight, and feeling psyched out by certain types of people. If you believe this is your main barrier to talking more, focus on the advice in the previous section. Accept that the topic won’t always be one you can easily contribute to When a pair is talking, the conversation needs to stay on topics they’re both interested in. With several people involved, the discussion may shift to a subject most of the people want to talk about, but which the rest can’t add to (for example, a job most of them share). Everyone finds themselves left out from time to time, and it’s not a knock against you if you can’t chip in. Just be a good sport and wait for the topic to change. If it doesn’t switch after a few minutes, try bringing up a new one yourself. If you often find yourself in conversations about subjects you legitimately can’t contribute to, that may be a sign you need to get more life experience or that a particular group isn’t a good fit for you. Make little contributions instead of remaining totally mute You can still seem engaged and keep yourself in the middle of the action by adding small contributions like, “Yeah, I heard the same thing”, “No way. Then what happened?”, laughing when appropriate, or making little listening noises like “Oh” or “Hmm.” These verbal tidbits are also a good way to speak a little here and there when another member has the spotlight for a longer period of time. If you’re more inhibited about speaking up, smaller statements can also help you slowly ease yourself into saying more down the road. Even if you’re not talking, appear to be tuned into the conversation If several friends are chatting at a pub, there’s a big difference between someone who’s not talking but is clearly attending to the discussion (by leaning in, looking at the speaker, making an effort to hear them over the background noise, nodding, and having an interested expression on their face) versus someone who’s obviously bored or tuned out and trapped in their head. The first set of behaviors sends the message that even if you’re not talking right that second, you’re a part of the exchange. Even though you’re not technically saying much, people will be less likely to consider you quiet. You’re more prone to get that comment when your nonverbals show you’re uncomfortable, uninterested, or checked out. This point is also practical in the sense that if you make an effort to tune into the conversation, you’ll have less mental energy to devote to fretting about how quiet you’re being. You’ll also be more likely to spot snippets of dialogue that could trigger a thought you could contribute. Tell yourself that you have to say something every so often If you want to talk in group conversations more, it’s helpful to make an explicit rule in your head that you have to say something at least every few minutes. If the topic is changing constantly, you don’t have to chime in on every one, but you should speak up often enough. If the discussion has been on one subject for a while, you’ll want to give your two cents on it, assuming it’s one you can add to. If you aren’t conscious about needing to contribute, it’s easy to settle back or zone out and go too long without saying anything. The following rule trumps this one. If you find yourself getting more and more stressed out because you’re too focused on monitoring your continually dropping “contribution percentage,” give yourself permission to be quiet and take the pressure off yourself. Give yourself permission to be quiet A lot of people psych themselves out when they try to be less quiet. They put pressure on themselves to say something, and if they don’t, they get more and more self-conscious and inhibited, which makes the problem worse. Take some of that burden away by permitting yourself to be quiet. If you can think of something to say, great, but if not, that’s okay too. It’s not that unusual for people to go silent during stretches of group conversations. Maybe in a few minutes the topic will change to one that suits you more, or you’ll do better next time. How to handle loud, lively group conversations Many people don’t have too much trouble with calm, orderly group conversations where everyone sticks to a topic, lets others finish their points, and listens respectfully. Shy, reserved types usually find group conversations more difficult and irritating when they get more hectic—when everyone is excited and trying to talk over one another, the topic keeps changing, and the overall vibe becomes more immature and show-off-ish. Your approach to these conversations should be a mix of accepting and adapting to them for what they are, while doing what little you can to try to turn their intensity down. Accept these types of conversations for what they are and what they aren’t What sometimes bothers people about chaotic, boisterous group conversations is that they feel they could have been something else—polite, intellectual, easy-tofollow, courteous—but they aren’t. By nature they’re loud, scattered, inconsiderate, and “dog eat dog.” They’re for laughs, spirited debate, and enjoying the company and essence of all your friends at once. Aspects of them are an acquired taste. Being in the middle of all that noise and chaos can be energizing, and you may get a cheap thrill when trying to hold your own in it. Try your best to tolerate the inherent annoyances of the situation Hectic group conversations can create a maddening din as everyone talks at once. If the group is big enough, there may be several subdiscussions, and it can be confusing and overwhelming to try to follow them all. One or more people may be derailing every tangent with idiotic jokes. It’s easy to become annoyed and exasperated, then give up and shut down. Do your best to put up with all the noise and stimulation so you can get what you can out of the interaction. It may be frustrating to try to keep your focus, but with time, you can improve your ability to follow along. Realize if you want to get speaking time, you’ll have to grab it for yourself These conversations are more “every man for himself.” They’re not purposely heartless; it’s just that everyone is excited and wants to talk, and they’d rather it be them than you. Waiting patiently for the others to recognize that you have something to say usually won’t work. You have to treat these interactions like a game and find ways to get your fair share of the spotlight. Below are some ways to become the speaker. All of these behaviors are more acceptable in wild group conversations than in standard day-to-day group conversations. You can still go overboard, but if you don’t do them too obnoxiously, no one takes these behaviors too personally. Make it really, really obvious with your body language that you want to talk after the current speaker is finished by leaning forward, raising your hand slightly, and catching everyone’s eye to let them know you want to speak next. Make a statement such as, “I’ve got something to say about that after she’s done.” Be the first one out of the gate when one person finishes talking. Interrupt someone or cut them off after they’ve spoken for a while. Raise your voice to overpower anyone else who’s also trying to be the next to talk. Repeat the beginning of your statement several times until you’re given the floor. Bring your point up again a minute later if you weren’t able to become the speaker on your first try. Once you’ve got the floor, here are some ways to defend it: Speak with enough volume that you can’t be talked over. Talk quickly to get your point out before someone cuts you off. Make your statements to the point. You won’t get away with rambling on. Use gestures to indicate to other people that you’re not done talking so they shouldn’t cut you off. For example, loosely hold your hand up to make a “stop, not yet” signal. Say things like, “Whoa, whoa, hold on, I’m not done, I’m not done.” Don’t be too dry. Zest up your statements with some humor or creative language so everyone will be more interested in hearing them. Many people have painful memories of times they tried to chip in to a group discussion and got ignored or talked over, even if they repeated themselves several times. Reading about group dynamics may help put those experiences in perspective. Getting overlooked like this happens to everyone from time to time, and it’s nothing personal. When people are really focused on following group conversations and are also busy strategizing about how they can talk next, they can inadvertently tune out the other members who are trying to jump in. Ways to ease the madness and help other people be included You have to accept that these conversations can get hairy and go along with their unwritten rules to a point, but you can do some things to try to rein them in too. Depending on how many people are in the group and how amped up they are, your efforts may not have a huge effect, but you can try. If you’re good at getting your speech time, don’t be selfish. Ease off a bit to give other people space to contribute. Help the quieter or less eager people in the group get a chance to talk by signaling to the others that they have something they’d like to say. If you can tell someone really wants to finish a point, and you’re tempted to interrupt, try to resist that urge. If a less forceful person makes a point and it’s falling on deaf ears, direct the conversation back towards them (for example, “Sorry, what’s that Natasha? You were talking about…”). If another group member keeps cutting people off, shift the discussion back to the person who got interrupted (“So anyway, before you got cut off you were saying…”)

Ways to join group conversations

Previous trending.plengdut.com post covered various ways to start conversations. A lot of what was said there applies here as well, like how your exact opening line is less important than your ability to get along with everyone once you’re speaking to them. One new thing to keep in mind is that you should roughly try to match the group’s energy level. If you’re at a party and see a group that’s boisterous and joking around, it won’t work too well if you try to engage them in a calm, dry manner.

Similarly, a subdued group that’s talking about world affairs won’t respond as well to an amped-up approach. Try to read how open the group is to being approached. If a group is standing way off to the side, is formed in a tight circle, and seems to be having an intense, private conversation, it may be best to leave them alone. You may worry that if the group isn’t receptive, you’ll be rejected in a harsh, humiliating way.

Usually this doesn’t happen, especially if you were just approaching them to be friendly and not aggressively hitting on anyone. Usually all that will happen is they’ll respond to you in a token, noncommittal manner, then resume talking to each other and leave you standing on the sidelines.

They might turn away from you or tighten their circle to box you out. At that point, you can quietly move on. It’s a bit awkward when it happens, but hardly a scathing cut-down. To an outside viewer, it doesn’t look like much happened.

Of course, this can be confused with when the group allows you to join but doesn’t make a ton of effort to include you in the conversation because they expect you to use your own initiative. If you make several attempts to contribute and they make no effort to engage you, then it’s likely they don’t feel like speaking to you.

Introduce yourself to everyone

At parties, mixers, or networking events, it’s okay to simply go up to a group and introduce yourself. A “Hey, how’s it going, everyone? I’m ____” is all you need. After you introduce yourself, you could ask a standard discussionpromoting question like, “How do you all know the host?” or “Are you all criminology students too?” To join the conversation but also not interrupt too much, you can quickly give your name and then say, “Anyway, what you were guys talking about?” to get it back on track.

Sidle up to the group, listen to the conversation for a bit, and then make a contribution when it’s appropriate

Sometimes joining a group conversation involves entering a circle of people who are talking. You may be able to do this silently, or it may be appropriate to give a quick “hi” or nod to everyone as you walk up to them. In other situations, like while sitting in a break room at work, you may not physically join the group, but be near them and able to hear their conversation. Either way, once you pick up on a chance to add something relevant, you can jump in with your contribution and then be part of the discussion. Make sure you wait for a small pause before you interject. You don’t want to blatantly cut anyone off.

“Mind if I sit here?”

If you’re already sort of friendly with a group who are sitting around, you can join their conversation by straightforwardly asking if you can sit down and join them. This may seem intrusive, but the idea is to do it only with people you’re already pretty sure would be open to you joining them, like if you’re at your school or work cafeteria and see a group you’d like to know better. Once you sit down, they’ll either start chatting to you directly, or they’ll continue with their current conversation, and you can try to chime in when an opportunity arises.

Start talking to one person in the group to get your foot in the door

If you see a larger group, there may be a member on the periphery who’s focused on something else or who looks left out or uninterested in the topic. If you strike up a conversation with them, you may be able to transition to speaking to the larger group—they introduce you, they turn their attention back to the larger conversation, and they carry you along; or the group notices you talking to their friend, and then you introduce yourself. A similar strategy is to wait until one group member is on their own, like if they’ve gotten up at a party to grab a drink. You can start talking to them when they’re alone and then join the rest of their friends with them soon after. However, don’t join a group discussion and then immediately try to steal one or more members away to have a side conversation. Respect that they want to talk to the group. If a smaller conversation splinters off a bit later, that’s fine, but don’t shoot for one right away.

Join the conversation by way of an activity

Activities can be used to start both one-on-one and group conversations. It’s mentioned here because it often allows you to chat with several people at once. Parties often have group activities going on, like games of one kind or another. In pubs you can find pool, darts, Foosball, and maybe an arcade machine or two. You can easily get a conversation going by joining in and chatting with the other players. Even if you can’t think of much to say, the ebb and flow of the game itself will provide some things to talk about.

Start a conversation with the group the same as you would with a single person

If you’re taking a direct approach with groups you don’t know, it’s usually simpler and more courteous to begin the interaction by introducing yourself. However, you could also open with a typical conversation-starting question or statement. You’ll need to size up the group and try to get a feeling for what type of opening line they may be receptive to. Some examples:

Ask about your common situation: “Are you guys having a good night?”, “So how do you guys know (the party’s host)?”
Comment on the shared context: “This apartment is decorated in such a neat way.”
Ask them a question about themselves: “Has anyone here been to any concerts lately?”
Make a statement about them: “You guys seem like you’re from out of town.”
Ask a question or make a statement about an outside topic: “Anyone here see the game last night?”
Make a statement about yourself: (To a group of people you already know somewhat) “The craziest thing happened to me this weekend…”

How to be less quiet in group conversations

As a loose guideline, in a group conversation you should aim to speak about as much as everyone else. So if there are four people in the group, you should talk roughly a quarter of the time. Of course, you don’t need to hit that exact percentage.

What you really want to avoid is being silent for long stretches. As last post says, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being less of a chatterbox. Many social circles have members who are on the quiet side and whom everyone likes just fine. However, there are times when you’re being quieter than you’d like in a group conversation, and not by choice. Here are some suggestions about how to be more talkative:

Work on the anxiety or confidence issues that could be holding back your ability to contribute in groups

As with one-on-one interactions, it’s often not a lack of conversation knowledge or technique that’s to blame for quietness, but mental barriers like worrying

about saying something lame or inappropriate, believing you have nothing worth sharing, feeling uncomfortable being in the spotlight, and feeling psyched out by certain types of people. If you believe this is your main barrier to talking more, focus on the advice in the previous section.

Accept that the topic won’t always be one you can easily contribute to

When a pair is talking, the conversation needs to stay on topics they’re both interested in. With several people involved, the discussion may shift to a subject most of the people want to talk about, but which the rest can’t add to (for example, a job most of them share). Everyone finds themselves left out from time to time, and it’s not a knock against you if you can’t chip in. Just be a good sport and wait for the topic to change. If it doesn’t switch after a few minutes, try bringing up a new one yourself. If you often find yourself in conversations about subjects you legitimately can’t contribute to, that may be a sign you need to get more life experience or that a particular group isn’t a good fit for you.

Make little contributions instead of remaining totally mute

You can still seem engaged and keep yourself in the middle of the action by adding small contributions like, “Yeah, I heard the same thing”, “No way. Then what happened?”, laughing when appropriate, or making little listening noises like “Oh” or “Hmm.” These verbal tidbits are also a good way to speak a little here and there when another member has the spotlight for a longer period of time. If you’re more inhibited about speaking up, smaller statements can also help you slowly ease yourself into saying more down the road.

Even if you’re not talking, appear to be tuned into the conversation

If several friends are chatting at a pub, there’s a big difference between someone who’s not talking but is clearly attending to the discussion (by leaning in, looking at the speaker, making an effort to hear them over the background noise, nodding, and having an interested expression on their face) versus someone who’s obviously bored or tuned out and trapped in their head. The first set of behaviors sends the message that even if you’re not talking right that second, you’re a part of the exchange.

Even though you’re not technically saying much, people will be less likely to consider you quiet. You’re more prone to get that comment when your nonverbals show you’re uncomfortable, uninterested, or checked out.

This point is also practical in the sense that if you make an effort to tune into the conversation, you’ll have less mental energy to devote to fretting about how quiet you’re being. You’ll also be more likely to spot snippets of dialogue that could trigger a thought you could contribute.

Tell yourself that you have to say something every so often

If you want to talk in group conversations more, it’s helpful to make an explicit rule in your head that you have to say something at least every few minutes. If the topic is changing constantly, you don’t have to chime in on every one, but you should speak up often enough.

If the discussion has been on one subject for a while, you’ll want to give your two cents on it, assuming it’s one you can add to. If you aren’t conscious about needing to contribute, it’s easy to settle back or zone out and go too long without saying anything.

The following rule trumps this one. If you find yourself getting more and more stressed out because you’re too focused on monitoring your continually dropping “contribution percentage,” give yourself permission to be quiet and take the pressure off yourself.

Give yourself permission to be quiet

A lot of people psych themselves out when they try to be less quiet. They put pressure on themselves to say something, and if they don’t, they get more and more self-conscious and inhibited, which makes the problem worse. Take some of that burden away by permitting yourself to be quiet. If you can think of something to say, great, but if not, that’s okay too. It’s not that unusual for people to go silent during stretches of group conversations. Maybe in a few minutes the topic will change to one that suits you more, or you’ll do better next time.

How to handle loud, lively group conversations

Many people don’t have too much trouble with calm, orderly group conversations where everyone sticks to a topic, lets others finish their points, and listens respectfully. Shy, reserved types usually find group conversations more difficult and irritating when they get more hectic—when everyone is excited and trying to talk over one another, the topic keeps changing, and the overall vibe becomes more immature and show-off-ish. Your approach to these conversations should be a mix of accepting and adapting to them for what they are, while doing what little you can to try to turn their intensity down.

Accept these types of conversations for what they are and what they aren’t

What sometimes bothers people about chaotic, boisterous group conversations is that they feel they could have been something else—polite, intellectual, easy-tofollow, courteous—but they aren’t. By nature they’re loud, scattered, inconsiderate, and “dog eat dog.” They’re for laughs, spirited debate, and enjoying the company and essence of all your friends at once. Aspects of them are an acquired taste. Being in the middle of all that noise and chaos can be energizing, and you may get a cheap thrill when trying to hold your own in it.

Try your best to tolerate the inherent annoyances of the situation

Hectic group conversations can create a maddening din as everyone talks at once. If the group is big enough, there may be several subdiscussions, and it can be confusing and overwhelming to try to follow them all. One or more people may be derailing every tangent with idiotic jokes. It’s easy to become annoyed and exasperated, then give up and shut down. Do your best to put up with all the noise and stimulation so you can get what you can out of the interaction. It may be frustrating to try to keep your focus, but with time, you can improve your ability to follow along.

Realize if you want to get speaking time, you’ll have to grab it for yourself

These conversations are more “every man for himself.” They’re not purposely heartless; it’s just that everyone is excited and wants to talk, and they’d rather it be them than you. Waiting patiently for the others to recognize that you have something to say usually won’t work. You have to treat these interactions like a game and find ways to get your fair share of the spotlight. Below are some ways to become the speaker.

All of these behaviors are more acceptable in wild group conversations than in standard day-to-day group conversations. You can still go overboard, but if you don’t do them too obnoxiously, no one takes these behaviors too personally.

Make it really, really obvious with your body language that you want to talk after the current speaker is finished by leaning forward, raising your hand slightly, and catching everyone’s eye to let them know you want to speak next.
Make a statement such as, “I’ve got something to say about that after she’s done.”
Be the first one out of the gate when one person finishes talking.
Interrupt someone or cut them off after they’ve spoken for a while.
Raise your voice to overpower anyone else who’s also trying to be the next to talk.
Repeat the beginning of your statement several times until you’re given the floor.
Bring your point up again a minute later if you weren’t able to become the speaker on your first try.

Once you’ve got the floor, here are some ways to defend it:

Speak with enough volume that you can’t be talked over.
Talk quickly to get your point out before someone cuts you off.
Make your statements to the point. You won’t get away with rambling on. Use gestures to indicate to other people that you’re not done talking so they shouldn’t cut you off. For example, loosely hold your hand up to make a “stop, not yet” signal.
Say things like, “Whoa, whoa, hold on, I’m not done, I’m not done.”
Don’t be too dry. Zest up your statements with some humor or creative language so everyone will be more interested in hearing them.

Many people have painful memories of times they tried to chip in to a group discussion and got ignored or talked over, even if they repeated themselves several times. Reading about group dynamics may help put those experiences in perspective.

Getting overlooked like this happens to everyone from time to time, and it’s nothing personal. When people are really focused on following group conversations and are also busy strategizing about how they can talk next, they can inadvertently tune out the other members who are trying to jump in.

Ways to ease the madness and help other people be included

You have to accept that these conversations can get hairy and go along with their unwritten rules to a point, but you can do some things to try to rein them in too. Depending on how many people are in the group and how amped up they are, your efforts may not have a huge effect, but you can try.

If you’re good at getting your speech time, don’t be selfish. Ease off a bit to give other people space to contribute.
Help the quieter or less eager people in the group get a chance to talk by signaling to the others that they have something they’d like to say.
If you can tell someone really wants to finish a point, and you’re tempted to interrupt, try to resist that urge.
If a less forceful person makes a point and it’s falling on deaf ears, direct the conversation back towards them (for example, “Sorry, what’s that Natasha? You were talking about…”).
If another group member keeps cutting people off, shift the discussion back to the person who got interrupted (“So anyway, before you got cut off you were saying…”)

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