Conversation Mistakes You Must Avoid
The previous trending.plengdut.com post have mentioned some conversation mistakes when it made sense to bring them up. This one provides a more dedicated list of mistakes to try to avoid. It can’t cover every mistake you could possibly make in a conversation, but it includes the most common ones. Mistakes can be one-off errors in judgment or be more habitual and stem from larger issues in a person’s personality that they need to work on.
The No. 1 thing to remember about conversation mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes while conversing from time to time. It’s great to steer clear of as many bad habits as possible, but don’t put too much strain on yourself to be flawless when you talk to people. No one gets it right 100 percent of the time.
Also, even if you converse in a way that most people find acceptable, you’ll encounter the occasional person who has a different perspective and sees something as a mistake on your part (for example, someone who’s overly sensitive may take offense to normal affectionate teasing).
Don’t let a fear of making a mistake paralyze you. Many so-called mistakes aren’t ideal, but they’re not that bad, and the conversation will often continue just fine. For example, it’s not great to brag, but if you subtly talk yourself up one time, most people aren’t instantly going to be turned off.
They may not even see it as bragging to begin with, just you stating a fact about yourself. If you’re just getting the hang of making conversation and are anxious about getting rejected or making a bad impression, you can get so worried about all the behaviors you have to avoid that your mind goes blank. Saying something lessthan-perfect is often better than saying nothing at all.
At least that way you’re keeping the conversation going and giving the other person something to react to. For example, if you mildly brag about how good you are at drawing, the other person may start talking about how they’re into art as well. If you catch yourself making a bigger mistake, you can usually smooth it over by apologizing for it.
Don’t say you’re sorry in too serious a tone. Just quickly, casually acknowledge what you did wrong, then get on with the discussion. For example, “Whoops, I just cut you off. Sorry about that. So you were saying?”
Knowing when it’s okay to break the rules
People get away with making errors in conversations all the time. An observation socially inexperienced people sometimes make is, “I’ve read about all these things that are supposedly bad conversation habits, but I see popular people doing them all the time. What gives?” There are a few explanations:
- Some “bad” behaviors are okay in certain situations. As explained, it’s acceptable in loud, rowdy group conversations for people to interrupt and talk over each other as they try to make their points heard.
- Some “bad” behaviors are accepted in particular subcultures or social groups. In a group of young, bro-ish guys, mild bragging may be common and acceptable. A circle of intellectual friends may be fine with members correcting each other.
- Individuals vary in which social mistakes bother them. Someone who’s not a big talker themselves may have fewer issues with a monopolizer. Someone with a crasser sense of humor may not mind a less-sensitive friend. Our friendships are partially determined by what mistakes we don’t mind, or even find endearing, in others.
- People’s personalities are somewhat defined by the minor, mostly tolerated mistakes they tend to make. “Yep, that’s Norm, always telling those meandering stories”, “Mindy’s just excitable. I used to get annoyed when she interrupted me, but now I’m used to it”, “Ha ha, Dennis is a passionate guy. If you talk to him about politics, you’re going to get into a debate with him. You’ve been warned.”
Mistakes
Mistakes fall into many categories and can creep into any conversation. You can’t avoid all mistakes, but by being aware of potential missteps, you’re more likely to sidestep or minimize the mistakes you’ll make occasionally.
General
- Interrupting: Again, it’s sometimes okay to cut people off in rowdy group conversations, but at any other time it’s inconsiderate. Make an effort to let other people finish their thoughts and statements, even if you’re eager to share what you have to say. The rare exception when it’s okay to cut someone off is if they’re obviously floundering, but can’t get themselves to stop talking and would like someone to jump in and save them from themselves.
- Not doing your fair share to keep the conversation going: You don’t want to make your conversation partner do all the work. Examples include giving short answers to their questions but not asking any of your own, or simply acknowledging their statements and not giving a fuller reaction. It’s okay not to pull your weight at first if you’re shy or initially getting the hang of conversation skills, but after that, don’t force the other person to do all the work of keeping the conversational ball in play.
- Being unwilling to give the types of replies people reasonably expect to day-to-day questions: When you reply with an unexpected answer to a standard question, you throw people off and force them to scramble to come up with something else to keep the interaction going. It may also make you seem negative or difficult. For example, someone asks you how your job is going, and rather than replying straightforwardly, you think, “Ugh, this question is so boring. They must be trying to annoy me on purpose” and give a curt, vague answer.
- Trying too hard to force a particular dynamic: By all means, try to start a certain dynamic if you think it will be enjoyable, but be willing to change course if the other person isn’t biting. For example, trying to get a teasing vibe going is fine, but if the other person indicates they want to be more serious, you should respect their wishes.
Being self-absorbed
- Being selfish, not looking out for the overall health of the conversation, and turning every subject back to what you want to talk about: Within reason it’s okay to steer a discussion to some of the things that interest you, but not at the expense of everyone else’s needs. A good conversation has elements that every person in it enjoys.
- Monopolizing the conversation by hogging too much of the spotlight and not letting others speak: Although some people like talking more than others, in general everyone in the conversation should have equal time to contribute. The exception is when everyone has clearly shown interest in letting you take center stage to share a longer story or opinion. You can gauge this interest by throwing out a teaser sentence or two (“Did I tell you guys about the time I…?”), then seeing if they seem to want to hear more, rather than launching right into a longer spiel.
- Being long-winded; going on and on when it’s your turn to speak, rather than being more succinct: Even if you have a longer point to share, you should still aim to make it as concise as you can. People will get impatient if you ramble on too much. Continually check the other person’s nonverbal signals (see Chapter 18). If they look interested, keep going, but if they seem bored, wrap it up.
Bragging
- Straight-out gaudy bragging: Simply put, most people find this obnoxious.
- More subtly trying too hard to bring up your talents and accomplishments: It’s understandable that you’d want to make people aware of your strengths, but let them come up naturally. You may come across as insecure if you seem like you need to give people reasons to approve of you right away.
- One-upping: For example, “Yeah, zip lining’s cool and all, but I’ve been skydiving about a dozen times, so I don’t know how much I’d get out of it.” One way people accidentally one-up is when they’re trying to relate to someone by sharing a similar experience, but theirs is “better.” If someone wants to share an accomplishment or experience, let them have it, and don’t feel you lose something unless you can “beat” it.
Poor choice of topics
- Bringing up inappropriate topics around people who won’t appreciate them: The topic could be too controversial, offensive, upsetting, disgusting, or overly personal and familiar. At past article covered, try to consider other people’s perspectives and potential reactions when choosing what subjects to discuss.
- Not moving on from a topic that isn’t going anywhere: For example, you’re trying to ask someone about their job, and they don’t seem keen to talk about it, but you keep trying to get them to open up. Know when to switch gears, and don’t assume someone would enjoy a particular topic if they just gave it a chance.
- Changing topics too abruptly: You don’t always have to make perfect, artful segues, but switching topics too randomly can throw people off. Last post gives some tips on segueing to a new subject.
- Over-relying on complaining, negative, or downer topics to keep your conversations going: This simply injects too many negative vibes into the interaction, which wears most people down before long. Discussions about personal problems can feel “deep,” but be careful not to always steer your interactions into that territory because it helps you get your fix of meaningful interactions.
- Over-relying on critiquing topics, like picking apart the plot holes in a movie you just saw with a friend: In moderation this is okay, especially with other analyzer types, but it also adds some negative energy to your exchanges.
- Over-sharing by telling your heavy personal problems or foibles to someone you barely know: last post goes into more detail about appropriate ways to self-disclose.
Mistakes often made by people who consider themselves intellectual and logical
- Speaking in a way that’s more blunt and direct than the other person is used to: People and cultures vary in how to-the-point they are, but if you’re more blunt than what your partner expects, it may offend them or hurt their feelings.
- Correcting people about minor things that aren’t relevant to the overall point they were trying to make: Doing so usually makes you look uptight and pedantic, and can throw the conversation off course.
- Being too quick to start debating people, especially if they weren’t expecting it or don’t enjoy that kind of verbal sparring: For example, getting into an argument about politics when they offhandedly mention something funny about a politician. Most people find arguing emotionally unpleasant, especially if it’s sprung on them suddenly. It’s okay to disagree with people, but don’t approach it from an adversarial stance where you think their view is stupid and you have to “win” with yours. Approach differences of opinion from the perspective that you’re both on the same team and you’re respectfully sharing ideas to help each other learn and grow.
- Talking at people rather than with them: That is, you’re thinking out loud at someone about a subject that interests you, not having a back-and forth interaction. The other person feels like they could be replaced with a cardboard cut-out, and it wouldn’t make much difference. This is similar to hogging the spotlight, but it makes the other person feel especially unimportant. It also makes people who do it seem unaware.
Group conversation mistakes
- Blatantly hogging the spotlight: The bigger the group is, the more of a mistake it is to try to take all the airtime for yourself. However, you have a bigger audience, and that urge to try to capture everyone’s attention can be stronger.
- Trying to have a conversation with one other person in the group, rather than focusing on everyone: That is, not breaking off into a side conversation, but just focusing on one person and ignoring the others. It’s a group interaction. Every member deserves to be included.
- Cutting people off, interrupting, and doing other things to fight to be heard when the interaction is low key: These things are acceptable within reason during more hectic group discussions, but will seem domineering or attention-hogging if everyone else is interacting in a more restrained way