What Is The Basic Steps To Making Friends?

The basic steps to making friends

The basic steps for forming relationships are:
  1. Find some potential friends
  2. Invite and make plans with those potential friends to do something with you
  3. Once you have some budding friendships, gradually take the relationships to a deeper level
  4. Repeat the above steps until you’ve made as many friends as you’d like, whether it’s a handful of close relationships or a giant group. 
People who have trouble with their social lives usually stumble on one or more of these steps. This list seems simple, but each of the listed chapters goes into detail about it.

Some things to keep in mind as you try to form a social life 

As with tackling anything you’re not yet good at, the process of making friends will be easier and more pleasant if you go into it with the right mentality and expectations. Know that… 

Being lonely doesn’t mean you’re deeply flawed 

Lonely people often see their sparse social lives as a sign of how broken and unlikable they are. Loneliness is usually just a symptom of a lifestyle and set of social habits that are not conducive to meeting people and forming relationships. 
The basic steps to making friends The basic steps for forming relationships are: Find some potential friends Invite and make plans with those potential friends to do something with you Once you have some budding friendships, gradually take the relationships to a deeper level Repeat the above steps until you’ve made as many friends as you’d like, whether it’s a handful of close relationships or a giant group. People who have trouble with their social lives usually stumble on one or more of these steps. This list seems simple, but each of the listed chapters goes into detail about it. Some things to keep in mind as you try to form a social life As with tackling anything you’re not yet good at, the process of making friends will be easier and more pleasant if you go into it with the right mentality and expectations. Know that… Being lonely doesn’t mean you’re deeply flawed Lonely people often see their sparse social lives as a sign of how broken and unlikable they are. Loneliness is usually just a symptom of a lifestyle and set of social habits that are not conducive to meeting people and forming relationships. Everyone has the potential to go through a lonely patch if they don’t carry out the behaviors that will let them make friends. Someone who was well liked and socially connected in their hometown will be lonely in a new city if all they do is go to work and then head home to watch TV. Growing up, many people fell into their friendships without knowing how it happened, and they aren’t sure how to deliberately create a new social circle from scratch when they’re in a different environment. Being lonely isn’t automatically a sign that you have a horrible, off-putting personality either. There are plenty of annoying individuals who have big social circles because they’re good and active at the specific skill of making friends. There are many pleasant, interesting people who are more isolated than they’d like to be because they’re not as proficient at those same skills. Trying to make friends doesn’t make you lame, desperate, or needy Many people want to make friends but worry that actively pursuing friendships means they’re desperate or groveling. That’s not true. It’s more of that emotional reasoning: Because you feel desperate about something, you think it is desperate. There’s nothing pathetic about trying to make friends or taking an interest in others. It’s an everyday activity that confident, sociable people do. Even if the rare person does see you as desperate, you have to take the attitude that it’s all about you and you’ll do what needs to be done to form the relationships you want. Who cares if a handful of people think you’re a bit too eager along the way if it all eventually works out? Don’t handicap yourself by trying to hide your loneliness Lonely people can get caught in a self-defeating cycle; they’re ashamed of their loneliness and try to hide it, but that prevents them from doing the things that will let them make friends. They don’t go to a meet-up because it might tip someone off that they want a better social life. They don’t invite a classmate out for fear of revealing they don’t already have plans. As their loneliness gets worse, so does their need to save face, and they get pushed further into isolation. In reality, no one can tell if you don’t have any friends, and even if they know, they probably don’t care that much. Everyone has times in their lives when they need to refresh their social circle—they’re in a new city, they’ve grown apart from their old friends, or their previous group atrophied little by little as everyone moved away or got too busy with work and family. If you want a social life, you have to make it happen for yourself It’s essential to take initiative. The quality of your social life depends on how much work you put into it. A key mistake lonely people make is they passively wait for others to do the work of befriending them, then conclude they’re flawed when no one ever invites them out. Sometimes people will make the first move, but you can’t count on it. If you want a group of friends, assume you’ll have to put in all the effort. Don’t take it personally if people seem indifferent to you This is related to the previous point. Lonely people often wonder what’s wrong with them and why no one seems interested in hanging out. Usually it’s nothing personal. Other people are often harmlessly thoughtless, preoccupied, and locked into their routines. They’d be happy if they hung out with you, but they wouldn’t think to ask you themselves. Sometimes you have to take an interest in others and generally get the word out that you’re open to new friendships before you appear on their radar. There’s always going to be some uncertainty in the process When you’re trying to form relationships with people, there are going to be times when you’ll get unclear signals. For example: You’ve invited someone out twice, and they’ve had other plans both times. Are they truly busy, or are they just making excuses because they don’t want to hang out? You texted someone, and they got back to you a few hours later with a one-word answer. Do they not want to hear from you, or is it just not their style to message back and forth with their friends all day? You always have to be the one to invite a new friend out. Are they hoping you’ll eventually take the hint and leave them alone, or are they just used to you always getting in touch first because that’s what you’ve been doing so far? If you’re prone to feeling insecure, it’s easy to assume the worst. You can never fully know what someone else is thinking. All you can do is stay focused on your own goals and continue to take steps that move toward them. If you’d like to be friends with someone, invite them out a few times or contact them to chat. It’s hard to draw conclusions from one or two incidents, but before long their behaviors will reveal whether they’re going to help you meet your goals or whether you need to move on to other prospects. Don’t feel that making friends is super tricky If you’re inexperienced at making friends, you may see the process as being more drawn-out and complex than it really is. Often all you have to do to make a friend is meet someone you naturally get along with and spend time with them enough. You don’t have to know them for months before applying the “friend” label either. One characteristic of more social people is that they’ll throw the word “friend” around pretty loosely when describing their relationships, and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve just met someone, it probably won’t be a deep, intimate relationship, but you can still have a good time with them as you get to know them better. Accept that it can take time Under the right circumstances, you can build a new social life quickly, like if you’ve just moved to a new city to go to college or if you join the right club or team and instantly click with everyone there. At other times, it takes longer for your social life to fall into place. It may take a little searching before you meet some people you’re compatible with, and then, if everyone is busy, it might be a few months before you’re all hanging out regularly. Stick in there and don’t give up on anything too quickly.


Everyone has the potential to go through a lonely patch if they don’t carry out the behaviors that will let them make friends. Someone who was well liked and socially connected in their hometown will be lonely in a new city if all they do is go to work and then head home to watch TV. 

Growing up, many people fell into their friendships without knowing how it happened, and they aren’t sure how to deliberately create a new social circle from scratch when they’re in a different environment. Being lonely isn’t automatically a sign that you have a horrible, off-putting personality either. 

There are plenty of annoying individuals who have big social circles because they’re good and active at the specific skill of making friends. There are many pleasant, interesting people who are more isolated than they’d like to be because they’re not as proficient at those same skills. 

Trying to make friends doesn’t make you lame, desperate, or needy 

Many people want to make friends but worry that actively pursuing friendships means they’re desperate or groveling. That’s not true. It’s more of that emotional reasoning: Because you feel desperate about something, you think it is desperate. There’s nothing pathetic about trying to make friends or taking an interest in others. It’s an everyday activity that confident, sociable people do. Even if the rare person does see you as desperate, you have to take the attitude that it’s all about you and you’ll do what needs to be done to form the relationships you want. Who cares if a handful of people think you’re a bit too eager along the way if it all eventually works out? 

Don’t handicap yourself by trying to hide your loneliness 

Lonely people can get caught in a self-defeating cycle; they’re ashamed of their loneliness and try to hide it, but that prevents them from doing the things that will let them make friends. They don’t go to a meet-up because it might tip someone off that they want a better social life. 

They don’t invite a classmate out for fear of revealing they don’t already have plans. As their loneliness gets worse, so does their need to save face, and they get pushed further into isolation. In reality, no one can tell if you don’t have any friends, and even if they know, they probably don’t care that much. 

Everyone has times in their lives when they need to refresh their social circle—they’re in a new city, they’ve grown apart from their old friends, or their previous group atrophied little by little as everyone moved away or got too busy with work and family. 

If you want a social life, you have to make it happen for yourself

It’s essential to take initiative. The quality of your social life depends on how much work you put into it. A key mistake lonely people make is they passively wait for others to do the work of befriending them, then conclude they’re flawed when no one ever invites them out. Sometimes people will make the first move, but you can’t count on it. If you want a group of friends, assume you’ll have to put in all the effort. 

Don’t take it personally if people seem indifferent to you 

This is related to the previous point. Lonely people often wonder what’s wrong with them and why no one seems interested in hanging out. Usually it’s nothing personal. Other people are often harmlessly thoughtless, preoccupied, and locked into their routines. 

They’d be happy if they hung out with you, but they wouldn’t think to ask you themselves. Sometimes you have to take an interest in others and generally get the word out that you’re open to new friendships before you appear on their radar. 

There’s always going to be some uncertainty in the process 

When you’re trying to form relationships with people, there are going to be times when you’ll get unclear signals. For example: 
  • You’ve invited someone out twice, and they’ve had other plans both times. Are they truly busy, or are they just making excuses because they don’t want to hang out? 
  • You texted someone, and they got back to you a few hours later with a one-word answer. Do they not want to hear from you, or is it just not their style to message back and forth with their friends all day? 
  • You always have to be the one to invite a new friend out. Are they hoping you’ll eventually take the hint and leave them alone, or are they just used to you always getting in touch first because that’s what you’ve been doing so far?
If you’re prone to feeling insecure, it’s easy to assume the worst. You can never fully know what someone else is thinking. All you can do is stay focused on your own goals and continue to take steps that move toward them. If you’d like to be friends with someone, invite them out a few times or contact them to chat. It’s hard to draw conclusions from one or two incidents, but before long their behaviors will reveal whether they’re going to help you meet your goals or whether you need to move on to other prospects. 

Don’t feel that making friends is super tricky 

If you’re inexperienced at making friends, you may see the process as being more drawn-out and complex than it really is. Often all you have to do to make a friend is meet someone you naturally get along with and spend time with them enough. You don’t have to know them for months before applying the “friend” label either. One characteristic of more social people is that they’ll throw the word “friend” around pretty loosely when describing their relationships, and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’ve just met someone, it probably won’t be a deep, intimate relationship, but you can still have a good time with them as you get to know them better. 

Accept that it can take time 

Under the right circumstances, you can build a new social life quickly, like if you’ve just moved to a new city to go to college or if you join the right club or team and instantly click with everyone there. At other times, it takes longer for your social life to fall into place. It may take a little searching before you meet some people you’re compatible with, and then, if everyone is busy, it might be a few months before you’re all hanging out regularly. Stick in there and don’t give up on anything too quickly.
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