What Is Shyness?

Shyness

Shyness is a multifaceted condition with many variations and nuances, but in short it’s when you feel inhibited and uncomfortable in certain social situations because you’re worried about how you’ll come across to everyone. Just as other social difficulties can range from mild to severe, shyness also comes in degrees. 

If you’re slightly shy, you may seem totally functional and even charming. Even though you may have some inner worries and insecurities, you can socialize in spite of them. Your shyness isn’t a huge problem, but even if you’re performing well outwardly, it’s still draining to be constantly worrying and doubting yourself. If you’re moderately shy, you’ll be more hesitant and quiet than normal in social situations, but still be able to get by. 
Shyness Shyness is a multifaceted condition with many variations and nuances, but in short it’s when you feel inhibited and uncomfortable in certain social situations because you’re worried about how you’ll come across to everyone. Just as other social difficulties can range from mild to severe, shyness also comes in degrees. If you’re slightly shy, you may seem totally functional and even charming. Even though you may have some inner worries and insecurities, you can socialize in spite of them. Your shyness isn’t a huge problem, but even if you’re performing well outwardly, it’s still draining to be constantly worrying and doubting yourself. If you’re moderately shy, you’ll be more hesitant and quiet than normal in social situations, but still be able to get by. If you’re severely shy, you’ll be totally withdrawn, if you get into many interactions at all. Less mild forms of shyness overlap with social anxiety, which will be covered in a second. The richest aspect of shyness is the thinking patterns and beliefs that fuel it. Shy people think in ways that increase the supposed risks and stakes of socializing. They see other people as mean and judgmental. They see themselves as unappealing and less socially capable. They view interactions as life-or-death tests of their social skills and worthiness as individuals. Next plengdut post goes into more detail about these unhelpful thinking patterns. People who suffer from shyness often second-guess the meaning behind other people’s words. They may be hypersensitive to perceived signs of rejection or hostility (“She only sort of laughed at my joke. She must hate me.” “He complimented my hat. He’s probably messing with me somehow.”) Sometimes they dwell on past social situations, sometimes years after the fact, and beat themselves up over the things they supposedly did wrong. Overall presentation Regardless of how shy you are, you’re likely to experience some or all of the following effects: being hesitant, reserved, and untalkative; coming across as meek, soft-spoken, and unsure of what you’re saying; acting uncomfortable (for example, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, crossing your arms over your chest); having trouble getting your words out or putting sentences together; stuttering; coming across as unconfident and self-effacing; on occasion, being more outgoing and chatty than normal because of nerves or because that’s how other people expect you to behave; on occasion, coming across as cold and aloof because you unintentionally act this way when you’re feeling awkward, or because you’re purposely trying to manage your discomfort by sending out “don’t approach me” vibes; reacting physically: blushing; trembling; muscle tension; sweating; clammy hands; dry mouth; tight, quiet voice; increased heart rate; stomach upset; increased need to urinate; feeling amped up and fidgety. Circumstances that can bring on shyness You may feel shy in most social situations or only during particular ones. Situations in which people commonly feel shy include meeting new people; having to work a room and mingle; interacting with people you find intimidating and high-status (for example, asking a professor to reconsider a grade she gave you on a paper); interacting with people whose opinion you really care about and whom you want to make a good impression on; being put on the spot (for example, being handed a microphone out of the blue and asked to record a video message at a wedding); being the center of attention or doing something that draws attention to yourself (for example, being called on in class, wearing flashy clothes, calling down a hall to get a friend’s attention); having to perform (for example, giving a speech or telling a story when everyone at the table is listening intently); confronting someone or being assertive (for example, telling a friend you don’t like it when they tease you constantly, telling a coworker you don’t want to help them move on the weekend); during interactions where you may upset the other person (for example, turning down a request, asking someone not to do something annoying, asking a person to go out of their way for you); talking on the phone or having to leave a voicemail. Approaching social situations Shy people dread many common social settings or interactions because they aren’t sure how to act or they aren’t sure how they’ll be received by others. See if any of these responses for handling social situations sound familiar: completely avoiding social situations or interactions that make you feel shy (for example, not going to a party, crossing the street to avoid having to stop and chat with an acquaintance, sending an email when a phone call would be easier, not following up to hang out with someone you met the other day); bailing out of social situations early (for example, making an excuse to end a conversation after a few minutes, leaving a pub because you feel so out of your element); partially avoiding social situations or interactions (for example, being present in a group conversation but not saying anything); being less likely to take social risks (for example, not asking someone to hang out, not approaching a stranger to start a conversation, holding back a mildly controversial opinion). Overall consequences Being shy does more than keep you home at night. It also causes these overarching problems: The self-doubt and inhibition inherent in shyness prevent you from showing your full personality. When you’re in a conversation with people you feel uncomfortable around, you stand there silently, and no one sees what you’re capable of. However, if the people were your long-time friends, you’d be making all kinds of hilarious jokes and witty observations. It keeps you from going after what you want. It simply doesn’t feel good to be so hard on yourself or feel so ill-at-ease in certain situations Your shy behavior may create a poor impression on other people. It’s not that most people think horribly of shyness; it’s just that if it comes down to being sure of yourself or being withdrawn, the former is going to come across better. Making friends is difficult. You can still make friends when you’re shy, but the process takes longer and you may have less control. You have to hope that you’ll spend enough time with the other people for you to feel comfortable around them or that they’ll give you a chance and make all the first moves. Getting a handle on your shyness allows you to reverse the condition. You’ll be more willing to show your personality and put yourself out there in social situations. You’ll feel better about who you are. You’ll feel comfortable instead of being a ball of nerves. On the whole, your interactions will be more effective. Reducing your shyness also frees you up to work on your social skills more effectively. You’ll be able to socialize more often, during which time you can take more chances, push yourself harder, and make more mistakes you can learn from.


If you’re severely shy, you’ll be totally withdrawn, if you get into many interactions at all. Less mild forms of shyness overlap with social anxiety, which will be covered in a second. The richest aspect of shyness is the thinking patterns and beliefs that fuel it. Shy people think in ways that increase the supposed risks and stakes of socializing. They see other people as mean and judgmental. 

They see themselves as unappealing and less socially capable. They view interactions as life-or-death tests of their social skills and worthiness as individuals. Next plengdut post goes into more detail about these unhelpful thinking patterns. 

People who suffer from shyness often second-guess the meaning behind other people’s words. They may be hypersensitive to perceived signs of rejection or hostility (“She only sort of laughed at my joke. She must hate me.” 

“He complimented my hat. He’s probably messing with me somehow.”) Sometimes they dwell on past social situations, sometimes years after the fact, and beat themselves up over the things they supposedly did wrong.

Overall presentation

Regardless of how shy you are, you’re likely to experience some or all of the following effects: 
  • being hesitant, reserved, and untalkative; 
  • coming across as meek, soft-spoken, and unsure of what you’re saying; 
  • acting uncomfortable (for example, fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, crossing your arms over your chest); 
  • having trouble getting your words out or putting sentences together; stuttering; 
  • coming across as unconfident and self-effacing; 
  • on occasion, being more outgoing and chatty than normal because of nerves or because that’s how other people expect you to behave; 
  • on occasion, coming across as cold and aloof because you unintentionally act this way when you’re feeling awkward, or because you’re purposely trying to manage your discomfort by sending out “don’t approach me” vibes; 
  • reacting physically: blushing; trembling; muscle tension; sweating; clammy hands; dry mouth; tight, quiet voice; increased heart rate; stomach upset; increased need to urinate; feeling amped up and fidgety.

Circumstances that can bring on shyness

You may feel shy in most social situations or only during particular ones. Situations in which people commonly feel shy include 
  • meeting new people; 
  • having to work a room and mingle; 
  • interacting with people you find intimidating and high-status (for example, asking a professor to reconsider a grade she gave you on a paper); 
  • interacting with people whose opinion you really care about and whom you want to make a good impression on; 
  • being put on the spot (for example, being handed a microphone out of the blue and asked to record a video message at a wedding); 
  • being the center of attention or doing something that draws attention to yourself (for example, being called on in class, wearing flashy clothes, calling down a hall to get a friend’s attention); 
  • having to perform (for example, giving a speech or telling a story when everyone at the table is listening intently); 
  • confronting someone or being assertive (for example, telling a friend you don’t like it when they tease you constantly, telling a coworker you don’t want to help them move on the weekend); 
  • during interactions where you may upset the other person (for example, turning down a request, asking someone not to do something annoying, asking a person to go out of their way for you);
  • talking on the phone or having to leave a voicemail.

Approaching social situations

Shy people dread many common social settings or interactions because they aren’t sure how to act or they aren’t sure how they’ll be received by others. See if any of these responses for handling social situations sound familiar: 
  • completely avoiding social situations or interactions that make you feel shy (for example, not going to a party, crossing the street to avoid having to stop and chat with an acquaintance, sending an email when a phone call would be easier, not following up to hang out with someone you met the other day); 
  • bailing out of social situations early (for example, making an excuse to end a conversation after a few minutes, leaving a pub because you feel so out of your element); 
  • partially avoiding social situations or interactions (for example, being present in a group conversation but not saying anything); 
  • being less likely to take social risks (for example, not asking someone to hang out, not approaching a stranger to start a conversation, holding back a mildly controversial opinion).

Overall consequences

Being shy does more than keep you home at night. It also causes these overarching problems: 
  • The self-doubt and inhibition inherent in shyness prevent you from showing your full personality. When you’re in a conversation with people you feel uncomfortable around, you stand there silently, and no one sees what you’re capable of. However, if the people were your long-time friends, you’d be making all kinds of hilarious jokes and witty observations. 
  • It keeps you from going after what you want. 
  • It simply doesn’t feel good to be so hard on yourself or feel so ill-at-ease in certain situations 
  • Your shy behavior may create a poor impression on other people. It’s not that most people think horribly of shyness; it’s just that if it comes down to being sure of yourself or being withdrawn, the former is going to come across better. 
  • Making friends is difficult. You can still make friends when you’re shy, but the process takes longer and you may have less control. You have to hope that you’ll spend enough time with the other people for you to feel comfortable around them or that they’ll give you a chance and make all the first moves.
Getting a handle on your shyness allows you to reverse the condition. You’ll be more willing to show your personality and put yourself out there in social situations. You’ll feel better about who you are. You’ll feel comfortable instead of being a ball of nerves. On the whole, your interactions will be more effective. Reducing your shyness also frees you up to work on your social skills more effectively. You’ll be able to socialize more often, during which time you can take more chances, push yourself harder, and make more mistakes you can learn from.
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